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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband a selfish twat

108 replies

dellacucina · 30/08/2018 23:09

Sorry, but it's true.

He is basically really, really selfish and I am really tired of it. Has anyone here found a way to come to terms with an essentially selfish man?

His main flaws are that he insists on having his way and he is quite grumpy and critical. We have a DD2 together.

OP posts:
mrstwit16 · 31/08/2018 15:45

Either way, it’s not working for you. You’re miserable. Start with the Bancroft book and go from there. PM me any time x

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 16:39

Ok. I will pursue a four pronged plan:

  • try to actually do couples counseling (I know people say it's a bad idea but I feel it is fair to treat him as if he is reasonable and give him a chance to work things out in this way)
  • grey rock as needed
  • research emotional abuse
  • consider exit strategies / prepare myself for this possibility
OP posts:
neverbetrickedagain · 01/09/2018 10:58

I feel your pain OP. My husband put selfishness on another level. We are getting divorced after 6 years of proper nightmare. I kept asking myself how do you love a selfish person and I haven't come up with an answer. I found the whole experience soul destroying. There were plenty of other issues as well, but somehow I felt that majority of our problems stem from his profound selfish behaviour. It is truely horrible to live with.

Original poster
dellacucina · 01/09/2018 12:34

Neverbetricked: sorry to hear that but glad you got out of it. Sorry also to hear you never learned to come to terms with DH's selfishness.

Has anyone's partner realised they were selfish and changed? I understand that this is a long shot...

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 01/09/2018 12:36

(sorry that you did not learn to deal with this because that doesn't bode well for me!)

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 09/09/2018 12:12

Update: every time I think maybe there is a chance of improvement, he proves me wrong again. It even seems like he has been making an effort, but he is so selfish that his behaviour still isn't really ok for me.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 09/09/2018 16:04

So what do you think you will do now?

Original poster
dellacucina · 10/09/2018 12:39

I suppose I need to find a way to suck it up and live through the next year. I really am starting to hate him.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/09/2018 14:27

I have threatened to leave a lot, which I realise is stupid since I have not followed through and I don't have a concrete plan for doing so.

Do you see that you're doing the same thing as your husband, OP, in not following through on your promise (except this one is to yourself)?

Unless and until you can do this, you're going to experience the same behaviour, because one of you has to change - and I don't think he has the capacity or the need to change. You, on the other hand, can - or you wouldn't have posted here.

Good luck.

lowtide · 10/09/2018 14:45

Have you spoken to an immigration lawyer?

Moffa · 10/09/2018 17:49

Following this thread as I’m in a similar situation!
@lowtide - I saw you post on a different thread something along the lines of “Jesus Christ, you have one fucking life”.

I actually screen grabbed it as that is what I need to hear!

RabbitsAreTasty · 10/09/2018 18:28

Planning your exit might make it easier to put up with it. That way you know you can leave at the very second it is all OK for immigration. Do go see an immigration lawyer though. Make sure you have exactly the right information.

Original poster
dellacucina · 12/09/2018 19:12

Moffa: tell me more!

I keep struggling with the question whether I am in fact being unreasonable.

OP posts:
StartingGrid · 12/09/2018 19:29

What exactly has happened now della? I have read your previous thread and I do feel for you, it seems there is definitely a lot of incompatability in your relationship.

Original poster
dellacucina · 12/09/2018 19:41

It's sort of a long story with very specific facts. I actually asked a friend for an objective opinion and she said she could see both sides meaning we probably both had a point. But her initial response was that he could maybe have been nicer.

The basic facts are that something really stressful has come up and I needed his help. He was quite helpful up to a point but then became angry with me for "abusing" his generosity when he had to wait for me for 10 minutes longer than expected while he was looking after our toddler in an annoying situation. He then basically held this against me and punished me by withholding further help and affection.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 12/09/2018 19:51

And I think it is possible that I am just so angry with him for being so selfish for so long that I want him to go above and beyond - for once to just help me and be nice and uncritical and for everything not to revolve around money. Maybe his behaviour in this particular situation was even semi-normal (though on the selfish side of that!)

OP posts:
Moffa · 12/09/2018 21:16

@dellacucina i don’t have the visa issues but I have a selfish, workaholic DH. Over 7 years married, 2 DC’s. I need to leave. My friends & family all think I’m a total mug for putting up with his moody, uncommunicative, hostile behaviour - he is rude when we have guests, and worse when we don’t. I’m struggling though as I’m frightened of hurting the children & their future relationship with him (even though I can say hand on heart he isn’t a good dad), I’m scared of being lonely, and I’m nervous about how the finances will work out (where we will live etc) - so many unknowns.
I’m interested in the book @mrstwit16 recommended. Has anyone read it?
I’m gathering my thoughts, trying to save money & planning my exit. Any advice appreciated! Especially from anyone who’s been through it & got to the other side!

HermioneGoesBackHome · 12/09/2018 21:24

My advice been in a similar ish situation.

Get some advice re immigration and check if you can stay in the uk wo him in a year’s time. And what exactly will you need. Then,
Ignore, ignore and ignore.
Dint expect anything from him.
Don’t engage when he is deciding to stonewall you etc...
And emotionally detach from him.
Oh and maybe also consider not telling them your plans re visa, staying wo him been your sponsor etc...

He is a twat. He knows that. He also knows you wont leave because of your visa so why wouod he make an effort??

MistressDeeCee · 12/09/2018 21:26

He sounds a complete and utter selfish bore. How do you get the energy for constant arguments, don't you want peace in your life?

He's not the only man in the world/last man standing. I can't even grasp the concept of your 1 life spent coming to terms with a difficult man. Years of arguments. With your DD watching and listening to it all.

Some men are just an impenetrable wall. Good luck dealing with that for years and years.

MistressDeeCee · 12/09/2018 21:28

Phone JCWI they'll help you in your situation. Lots of men out there with overseas wives who assume they wield all the power. They dont.

Original poster
dellacucina · 13/09/2018 03:46

"impenetrable wall". Sadly, probably true.

Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think DH even perceives that my immigration status puts him in the power position. He seems to truly believe that everything he does is for the best interests of the family and that he is quite magnanimous. When I feel differently, he thinks I am just being unreasonable and obstructionist. I don't think he consciously has chosen someone who is beholden to him for a visa to manipulate this - though he may have chosen me because I have self doubt and try to please others.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 13/09/2018 03:48

Also, I am not sure I am the kind of person JCWI would want to help?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 13/09/2018 21:56

Phone JCWI then you'll be sure

Shambu · 13/09/2018 23:11

OP are you the American with the British lawyer DH with around a year to go before you can apply for ILTR?

If so, I read your previous thread tho I don't think I posted.

Either way, your DH is a selfish arsehole.

Try reading Lundy Bancroft 'Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men'.

Shambu · 13/09/2018 23:12

Sorry 'Why does he do that?' Is the title. 'Inside the minds etc' is the subtitle.

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