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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband a selfish twat

108 replies

dellacucina · 30/08/2018 23:09

Sorry, but it's true.

He is basically really, really selfish and I am really tired of it. Has anyone here found a way to come to terms with an essentially selfish man?

His main flaws are that he insists on having his way and he is quite grumpy and critical. We have a DD2 together.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:52

MarieG10: yes, I want to prioritise counseling. I am hoping we can find a new slot sometime soon. We only had like two sessions with the last counselor, one by myself. She actually looked visibly surprised by some of the things I told her about him. I wish we could have continued with her and it is really discouraging to see all that time (scheduling, waiting for, and attending) wasted

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Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:54

Tonyroy: it's not really possible to go on a break without DD. She is very dependent on me and there is no one who would watch her overnight.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 10:56

And I seem to be unable to just accept his behaviour and behave nicely in response. But if there might be a way to learn to accept and ignore, that would be better.

I think my problem is that I keep hoping that I can get through to him. My newest plan was to basically ignore but then he is annoyed and asks me what is wrong - and I of course then tell him.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 10:56

dellacucina

What you describe is the cycle of abuse; not all abusive men are horrible all the time. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is also a continuous one.

You cannot use either your DD or concerns re your spousal visa as reasons to stay with him now. Both are not good enough reasons to stay with him.

I would not enter into couples counselling with this man due to his ongoing and abusive treatment of you. If counselling is to be at all done here I would go on my own as dljlr has done. Such men like you describe do not change and what he is doing here works for him. They never see the light or error of their ways. It is likely that his own father did the same to his mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 11:00

"But if there might be a way to learn to accept and ignore, that would be better".

You will simply become a further shadow of your own self if you do that to yourself and he has diminished you more than enough already. Why do you keep thinking that there is a way somehow of getting through to him?. Where did that mindset come from?. Parental example?.

You will never be able to learn to accept and ignore and would you advise a friend to do the same if she was in a similar sort of relationship?. If its not good enough for anyone else its really not good enough for you either.

SittingAround1 · 31/08/2018 11:03

I also remember your other thread. I think you need to start the ball rolling for separation once you've secured your permanant residency in the UK. You don't need to tell him this, but you could be getting advice and find ou the best way to proceed in the meantime.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 11:06

I think things are actually getting worse in some ways. I am basically in all out war mode, not even trying to get along when he decides to be nice (which surely isn't helping!)

For his part, now when he tries to tell me his version of events, I just shut him down. His new line is to turn my complaint about him (invalidating/ignoring my feelings) onto me.

This is what happened last night: I brought up how he was mean and resentful about looking after DD and tried to explain why it was not on. He then told me why he treated me this way (which was just him being selfish - he slept on Friday when he said he would look after DD so I then needed to do my work on Monday instead - and he was resentful that I dared ask if I could go to a yoga class on Monday too. He said that he needed a break and it was unfair of me to ask for 'more extra time'.).

Instead of letting him explain again, I told him to stop and I already knew what his excuse was. He said he was just trying to make me understand and why would I invalidate his feelings in this way. Don't I care about his feeling that he needed a break?

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Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 11:09

Attila: I am not sure. I am probably somewhat codependent and my mother was in some really terrible relationships when I was a child. She allowed her mean alcoholic husband to punish me in really sadistic ways. I imagine this contributes to my low self esteem and view of relationships.

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RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 11:11

You are trying to manipulate him into having a different personality. He is doing the same to you. He has been much more successful at this.

Accept his personality as being reality. Stop trying to change it. Don't accept bad treatment though: plan your exit.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 11:14

Rabbits: yes, I can see that. It is actually kind of unfair of me, and I feel bad about it. My irritation over the selfishness which affects me also makes me less tolerant of annoying traits that I might otherwise overlook or treat as amusing quirks (like his extreme cheapness)

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 11:16

dellacucina

Being codependent in relationships hurts you but you can undo codependency with lots of hard emotional work.

Your mother certainly did teach you some really damaging lessons on relationships when you were growing up and her own poor example has certainly contributed into being an easy foil for someone as abusive as your H.

Do plan your exit from your marriage and with great care. Your safety here is paramount. No more couples counselling either; counselling for you alone and without him needs to continue.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 11:40

Attila: losing my visa would be such a nightmare that I really can't leave now. How abusive is too abusive? He doesn't hit either of us and he is just kind of a dick.

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RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 11:49

You can prepare to leave until your immigration status is sorted. Don't shoot yourself in the foot. Could he do anything to ruin your immigration status if he got pissed off with you?

Ittakestwo · 31/08/2018 11:51

My XH, made me sit the garden with my 3 month old because he was crying and he couldn’t enjoy the football match Angry

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 11:53

Rabbits: presumably he could start divorce proceedings or refuse to act as my sponsor.

I don't think he is nasty enough to do something that would separate me from my daughter. He loves her and knows she needs me. If our relationship did end, I don't think he would want to be left as her sole caretaker.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 12:08

Everyone is saying to leave. This may be necessary eventually, but certainly can't happen in the next year. How should I handle everyday life until then? Holidays?

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HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:11

Rabbits: yes, I can see that. It is actually kind of unfair of me, and I feel bad about it.

I think you misunderstood what Rabbits was saying there. It’s not “you’re unfair trying to change him”, but “it’s impossible to chance horrible people - the only answer is escaping from them”

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 12:21

HeckyPeck: I do understand that. But it's also true that I should have known what I was getting into and what kind of person DH is. He does have feelings and I am sure he finds it frustrating to be with someone who is always unhappy with him (even if this is unfair on his part).

I am sure some women would be ok with this dynamic, or would at least tolerate it.

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GetOffTheTableMabel · 31/08/2018 12:23

If you are aware that your mother’s poor relationship history has affected your self-esteem and is a relevant factor in your own own poor choice of partner, you can surely see that it is important that your own daughter not grow up in this toxic atmosphere? Leaving isn’t easy but it sounds like the best option for your child.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:25

He does have feelings and I am sure he finds it frustrating to be with someone who is always unhappy with him (even if this is unfair on his part).

It makes me sad that you think you’re to blame for being unhappy with his shit behaviour.

I don’t know any women that happily live with this kind of behaviour. Ones that tolerate it (and I’ve been one in the past) are always incredibly unhappy in my experience.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 12:35

Mabel: my mother's husband was sadistic. My husband is just a bit of a dick. My daughter is very, very small. It think it would be hard for her to see or understand the nature of his selfishness at this age.

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faeriequeen · 31/08/2018 12:35

It sounds like you are both pretty hard to live with, and together it isn't working.

As far as sleeping in separate beds goes, that's quite reasonable so you can both sleep.

You either need to snap yourself out of "war mode" or leave.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:39

It sounds like you are both pretty hard to live with, and together it isn't working.

Being unhappy living with someone who’s being a selfish dick doesn’t make you hard to live with.

Eminado · 31/08/2018 12:41
  1. Please focus on getting out of this situation
  1. You can sort your visa issues if you ask for help. Get help. Nothing shady - just be focused and clear and methodical. It can be done.

You are overanalysing everything. This man will drain your soul.

Original poster
dellacucina · 31/08/2018 12:43

Faeriequeen: I am probably hard to live with now. But I honestly feel this is a result of his mistreating me.

Do you think I should try to be amenable again? I just find that when I trust him to treat me properly and keep his word to me, I always end up disappointed.

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