Husband a selfish twat

[dellacucina]

Sorry, but it's true.

He is basically really, really selfish and I am really tired of it. Has anyone here found a way to come to terms with an essentially selfish man?

His main flaws are that he insists on having his way and he is quite grumpy and critical. We have a DD2 together.

I lived with a man like this for six years. He was pathologically selfish, to the point where I started thinking there was actually something wrong with him: a congenital problem of some kind. I spent years, like you, having these awful circular arguments, where I would try and get him to see how I felt. It’s a waste of time. They don’t care how you feel! If you can’t leave him for a year, then detach in your head. Stop expending energy arguing with him. Try and ignore what he does and don’t get sucked into fights about whose fault it is. You will be amazed how much easier everything gets once you’ve decided you’re on your own and no longer have to brace yourself for the next time he disappoints you.

Do you think I should try to be amenable again? I just find that when I trust him to treat me properly and keep his word to me, I always end up disappointed.

Please don’t do this Op. He will never change and you’ll end up even more unhappy each time.

It isn’t your fault that he treats you badly.

Mrstwit: did he ever seen to understand even a little?

I also feel bad for DH because he has had some professional disappointments that I think have hurt him and his self esteem. I told him that I think this is affecting his behaviour toward me and he seemed to actually appreciate this. He said he would call his work's employee assistance line to ask about counseling etc. He hasn't bothered yet though.

You're wasting your energy on this war. Either go to the counselling that's been arranged or separate, but constant bickering is bad for you and your child.

He did what yours did, to be honest. We’d go 10 rounds about something and after hours of shouting and crying (on my side) he’d show a glimmer of understanding, and I’d think: Great! I’ve finally got through to him! But then the same issue would come up again and we’d be right back at the beginning. It was like the first world war: days of fighting to gain an inch of ground.

The other thing he did, which you mentioned too, is pretend to go along with what you want then conveniently ‘forget’ when the time rolls round. It’s bullshit, btw they’re not forgetting. It’s just a less aggressive tactic to get what they want.

I don’t normally reply to posts but yours felt so familiar I was compelled to. I left him in the end. I am now with someone unselfish. It is like getting in a warm bath after a lifetime of freezing cold showers.

Mrstwit: do you know what that partner is doing now? Just curious. I imagine leaving DH and it is quite strange. I imagine he would find someone new pretty quickly but I wonder if he would change at all.

I don’t, because I made a conscious decision to completely cut him off. He’s tried to get in touch a few times but I just ignored him. I’m sure whoever he’s with, he’s busy making her very, very unhappy. Your situation is different of course because you have a child so you’ll have to maintain some sort of contact

How did he respond when you left? Did he put on more manipulation?

della

Re your earlier comment addressed to me:-

"Attila: losing my visa would be such a nightmare that I really can't leave now. How abusive is too abusive? He doesn't hit either of us and he is just kind of a dick".

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.
He does not have to hit you to hurt you; you are being emotionally abused and that does and will hurt you badly. Your DD will also pick up on your overall unhappiness at home too.

You can prepare to leave until your immigration status is sorted out.

What he is doing here to you works for him; he will not change.

Well leaving was a gradual process. I left him twice before I actually left which is often the way we with these men. First two times he sucked me back in, promising change, which never materialised. The third time, save for a few half hearted texts and one shouty phone call, he left me to get on with it. I think by that point I’d outlived my usefulness to him. I was very depressed and crying all the time, and probably not much fun to live with. Magically, my depression lifted almost as soon as I left him!

Attila: aren't most people mean sometimes? What do you think is the line between normal meanness and abuse?

I also feel confused because I don't think others see things the way I do. I was out with some women from DH's friend group recently and one of them started saying to me after many drinks how lucky I am, how DH is so sweet and kind, etc. She hasn't seen us together much, but she has known him for years. It made me wonder if I just have the wrong end of the stick.

My mother has stayed with us for many weeks at a time and she thinks he is quite selfish and insists on his own way though.

Mrstwit: thanks for sharing your story. And well done for getting out of a bad situation!

Are you actually married to my ex? People were always telling me how lovely he was. The thing is it’s perfectly possible to be a kind friend, a great colleague, a dutiful son, and a dogshit partner. Your mother saw his private face, rather than his public persona. Mums often see through these men. Mine did too. Don’t ignore the instinct that brought you here, asking for the advice of strangers. You feel this way for a reason.

That woman is not married to your H and as such does not at all know what he is like behind closed doors. Also she was half drunk and therefore not worth listening to in any event.

Abusers can appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world and many people are fooled.

Your boundaries as a result mainly of growing up within such a household like you describe are understandably mashed; it will take a lot of work to undo all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. Even your mother who has seen your H at close hand says that he is selfish.

You already have cited several red flags re your H that go beyond general meanness (also mean with money = mean with love in my opinion). These are:-

he being critical
he being selfish
he wanting his own way all the time
not allowing you to have a real say
wants his own way all the time
is good at making you doubt your own self

No worries, I love talking about how I got away from him! Three and half years and I still want to kick up my heels and dance when I think about it . This could be you too, in time

Ha, he has never lived with another woman and I think I am only the second he ever introduced to his family. So I don't think he could be your ex...

Mrstwit: do you think you were scarred in any way by the ex? With DH I feel I have to protect myself all the time and it makes me worry that I may not be fit for future relationships

I think I was, yes. But after I left him, I made a real effort to understand what had happened, educate myself on abuse, and on what healthy relationships looked like. My boyfriend knows about my ex, and knows certain things will go over very badly with me because of him, but day to day it doesn’t affect us. I sometimes think women who’ve come out of abusive relationships end up better off than those who haven’t, because going through extreme unhappiness helps you recognise and appreciate happiness when it comes along. BUT that only applies to women who’ve educated themselves post abuse, rather than slept walked into a similar situation with a different man. Feel free to PM me if you like

Thanks

I was going to write this in a pm, but realised that your answer may help others who read this:

I still question whether this is an abusive relationship, to be honest, and I wonder if you could let me know what you did to educate yourself on these topics. Are there any particular books, podcasts, or other resources you would recommend? Is counseling important?

(or feel free to PM me your response!)

I think people exist on a continuum; dangerously abusive at one end, reliably gentle and respectful at the other. Sometimes it’s very hard to call whether a man is abusive or simply selfish and unpleasant to live with. A good place to start is Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? He says that even if you don’t want to call your husband abusive the book can be used to make sense of excessively selfish behaviour. He’s also good on defining what is actual abuse as compared to general, unpleasant behaviour. I would recommend it, as well as going to individual counselling and coming on here, getting advice and reading other people’s stories.

I think it’s worth adding that your husband doesn’t actually have to be abusive for you to feel ok about leaving him. Extreme selfishness - the sort you have described- is enough of a reason. You get one life. Don’t waste it being miserable over someone who only cares about himself.

I have 3 kids with my selfish other half, but he works full time I find it hard to be mad but I think after I've spent the afternoon making him home made calzones he could at least not complain it's taking so long and put his dish and cutlery In the dishwasher like everyone else, clean up after himself in the bathroom instead of leaving it like a teenagers bedroom, and put his shit away before bed!. Instead of coming home eating barely talking to me and then complaining that I'm talking over his crappy Facebook videos he's trying to watch. Oh and then going bed leaving the place I've spent all day cleaning in a tip so fed up.

That's probably a more helpful way to view it - not is this an abusive relationship, but is this a healthy relationship.