Hey there,
I read an amazing thread of similar topic here and was so grateful to hear the helpful advice from everyone so I thought I'd ask my questions here too. I have been engaged to my fiancé (BF of 4 years) for just over a year. We have recently moved into our first home (thanks to help from both of our parents) and got adorable cats we've been raising since kittens a year ago. I am a touring musician and my career has been picking up really heavily lately with my two touring original projects! At the same time I'm 33 (going on 34) and we're thinking about kids. My life dream has always been to take music as far as I can and I know that although I am fit and feel in the prime of my life, my music career also has an expiry in the capacity that I am doing it now. I have also always wanted children. I have had a lot of struggles with band dynamics (mental illness in two band members and serious health issues for them too) that have made it so heartbreakingly frustrating to move forward. Despite this, THIS YEAR my prayers were answered and my career is taking off! Both my bands got grants (against the odds) and have awesome albums out and tour opportunities. My band mates are on the road to recovery and I am thrilled to finally be living my life dream (somewhat unexpectedly). Unfortunately this has lead to some confusion of the heart.
My fiancé is a very sweet, gentle and supportive character. He came into my life when I wasn't looking at all for a partner... I had broken up with a great love of my life about 9 months prior and about to go on my first tour of Australia (I have now just finished my 4th). I have been a serial monogamist my whole life. I always feel good and happy with myself when I'm single and it feels right to dedicate my life to my art and personal health/growth. I am a romantic though and most of my partners have been adoring and kind men who were just not right for me in the end. I don't consider myself to have a fear of commitment, per se, just a fickle heart! I fall madly for them and then, over time the magic fades and either they, or I, find someone else who renews our passion and we part ways. I am guilty, often, of hanging on too long because I want to make them happy and meet their expectations. Also guilty of falling into resentment and dishonesty (though I'm not a cheater, I often get a wandering eye).
With my current fiancé (I have never been engaged previously) it seemed so perfect because he's so independent. He was only in open relationships before me and so when I said I wanted to be monogamous he was thrilled. He'd never had a long-term girlfriend beyond a few months (I can't imagine why, he's only 3 years younger than me and attractive/sweet). We talked about an open relationship early on and it made sense (arose totally organically) that we pursue that when I'm away on tour. I'm not overly promiscuous, I just actually feel guilty leaving him so often for so long and don't want him to resent me... I also get a wandering eye and it puts my heart at ease knowing that's "allowed". I have only ever thought about it, never taken advantage of our arrangement (until very recently) and he has been with people a couple of times. All of these compatibilities led me to the conclusion that he was the one for me. How else could I ever sustain any kind of long term relationship with anyone!? I need to feel free, yet need a home-base from which I can regenerate and create art. I love the consistency of having a caring partner at home, while also having the freedom to pursue my art without guilt. He wants kids, he's not in a rush, he's so even-keel and easy to be with - he makes me feel safe in my volatile artist's life. I have felt really set up for success!
OF COURSE there are many holes in my plan which have recently made themselves abundantly clear. Rewind the clock 4 years... my guy took me on our first date and it was to an underground rave where he got blitzed on drugs and my gut gave me a resounding NO. I told my band mates this "well, nope he's not the one for me, that's a relief" I didn't WANT to meet the one either. Then I went away on tour and crushed on him, then I came back and realized how totally sweet and considerate he was and gave him a second chance. He gently wooed me and made it so easy I couldn't resist.
Over the years our fire burned down to a slow simmer, I hear this is common (and has certainly been common for me). He has actually often been the one to withdraw from me in terms of sex, much to my frustration. It has become a two-way street, our sex life has ebbed to a mere 2 times per month average (often at least one of them I don't even orgasm, just do it more for him)... but we both enjoy cuddling and kissing and I kind of figured maybe that's fine. I am a very sexual person but my sex drive is very fickle and often dies after a couple of years with a partner. Also thought, maybe it's good for me to get a dose of my own medicine! I am usually the one who ends up pulling away. I have known I needed to work on it with him, talk about it... I've attempted to bring it up a few times to no real avail... but it's hard for me to talk about it and admittedly I'd just as soon let it slide most of the time and go on with our lives.
When he proposed, that day a year ago, I was annoyed with him. He was acting in that certain way that gets to me, all agitated and awkward, needing to have a smoke... I had somewhat guessed that he might be going there, it was Christmas eve and we had stayed in a hotel (on his mother's dime). She LOVES me and I love her back. She spoils us and truly treats me like part of the family. I feel so blessed. She wants us to have kids even more than we do (same with my parents). She has always been there behind the scenes helping him, giving him money on valentines or our anniversary, she's a real romantic! Sometimes I feel like I'm dating HER! And I admire her ability to make amazing things happen, she is truly impressive. His whole family feels so close to me. They feel like my family. I have many times been having doubts about our relationship, spent time with him and his family, and then felt like everything was going to be ok. Isn't that often the opposite of how things usually are!? Anyway it was Christmas eve and his whole family knew, probably even helped him organize it. A spa date, a glass of champaign. He asked me and I said yes. No tears, no butterflies... maybe even a slight sinking feeling. It was a practical choice. I couldn't bare to say no! Didn't feel compelled to do so either. I knew his whole family would be there that night, waiting to hear the news. I couldn't ruin Christmas! Also didn't feel sure one way or the other - I do love him, he does fit in my life very well. I figured love takes compromise and work, that's normal. He's the only one who has fit so easily in with my lifestyle and it has just flowed. Maybe true love is a lie, it all comes down to practicality.
So after all my ramblings (thanks for reading this far) here we are. I had told myself that if things didn't go well for my last two tours maybe it was time to make some changes. My fiancé has grown tired of my drama, feeling upset with my music career being so hard and us never having time or money to go on vacations. I'm in debt, I want to start a family one day, my time is running out! The last two tours just so happened to be the best of my life, and I can feel my career amping up more than ever and a deep desire to give it my all. Our wedding is supposed to be in 7 months and nothing is planned or booked yet. I just found out that I have the opportunity to tour Europe this Fall (a life dream of mine) and have begun booking my biggest tour of Canada yet. I feel like this is my shot!
On this last tour, I met with an old friend, near the end. We had always had a close bond and been affectionate with one another, in a totally plutonic way (though we had a certain special spark). He lives in Australia but I met him here, in Canada, just a little before I met my fiancé. At that time he was going through a bad breakup and I was still processing my last breakup so we just hung out and supported each other. He was very broken over her. He's a musician too - a brilliant one. Over the years we've kept in touch and always supported each other when in need, in the kindest and sweetest of ways. When I saw him that night in Melbourne, it was unexpected. I hadn't known if he'd make it to the show and had been focussed on everything else. I had hoped he would! When I saw him, got to hug him and be around him, I felt something strong I hadn't felt before. A powerful attraction. He felt it too. Fireworks. From then on I couldn't eat or sleep... I just wanted to talk to him and be close to him, as we often had done in the past - but now it felt different... I was definitely attracted to him. He is putting an album out too, one we had talked about years ago, now he's strong, happy and healthy. We ended up spending two magical days together and it was completely mind-blowingly amazing for both of us. The way we can talk to each other is something I have rarely experienced but there is also incredible fiery sexual chemistry and connection. Even though this was all technically within the consensual bounds of my relationship, it has completely thrown me for a loop. I feel I'm in love with my old friend. I feel like that must be crazy. I told my fiancé when I got home a few days later... I said I had been with someone and I told him who and how much and that I felt very connected to this old friend/now lover. He just smiled and shrugged it off "I'm glad he was good to you and that you had fun". I said... "thank you but, how do you feel about it that it might happen again - when I tour there again? I just feel a real connection to him, it was really nice" he said "as long as you're here, with me, in my bed, I am fine with that - I don't see him as a threat". At that point I bit my tongue, it was my fiancé birthday tomorrow, maybe this crazy love feeling will fade and I will come back to my senses. I recently bought a famous book on open relationships called "the ethical slut" and I told my fiancé I thought we should both read it and have more open conversations. That's where we left it. Since then I have talked to my old friend (we'll call him OF) every day, insatiably. We talk for hours, we just relive our encounter and old memories, want to know everything about each other and he's so unbelievable. He knew, that first night my situation with my fiancé... he asked before things got physical... he knows everything up to this point but I'm feeling terrible about my fiancé. I just feel like we need to postpone the wedding while I work out the mess of my emotions and focus on my career. He deserves better, he has been there for me in my dark/struggling times and now I feel he is not thriving with me, he has not made any real progress in his life. It's all so confusing. I'm sorry for the novel. This is complex. It helps me to write it all out. I know how selfish I sound and how opportunistic I've been. I have felt a distancing from my fiancé for some time but thought we should do some counselling (which he didn't think we needed) and things would work out. Relationships take work and aren't always amazing and fiery. I do love him, I am so afraid to leave him and upset the balance of our lives.