Cold feet about upcoming wedding... confusion and other man. Unusual relationship.

[MyFickleHeart]

Hey there,
I read an amazing thread of similar topic here and was so grateful to hear the helpful advice from everyone so I thought I'd ask my questions here too. I have been engaged to my fiancé (BF of 4 years) for just over a year. We have recently moved into our first home (thanks to help from both of our parents) and got adorable cats we've been raising since kittens a year ago. I am a touring musician and my career has been picking up really heavily lately with my two touring original projects! At the same time I'm 33 (going on 34) and we're thinking about kids. My life dream has always been to take music as far as I can and I know that although I am fit and feel in the prime of my life, my music career also has an expiry in the capacity that I am doing it now. I have also always wanted children. I have had a lot of struggles with band dynamics (mental illness in two band members and serious health issues for them too) that have made it so heartbreakingly frustrating to move forward. Despite this, THIS YEAR my prayers were answered and my career is taking off! Both my bands got grants (against the odds) and have awesome albums out and tour opportunities. My band mates are on the road to recovery and I am thrilled to finally be living my life dream (somewhat unexpectedly). Unfortunately this has lead to some confusion of the heart.

My fiancé is a very sweet, gentle and supportive character. He came into my life when I wasn't looking at all for a partner... I had broken up with a great love of my life about 9 months prior and about to go on my first tour of Australia (I have now just finished my 4th). I have been a serial monogamist my whole life. I always feel good and happy with myself when I'm single and it feels right to dedicate my life to my art and personal health/growth. I am a romantic though and most of my partners have been adoring and kind men who were just not right for me in the end. I don't consider myself to have a fear of commitment, per se, just a fickle heart! I fall madly for them and then, over time the magic fades and either they, or I, find someone else who renews our passion and we part ways. I am guilty, often, of hanging on too long because I want to make them happy and meet their expectations. Also guilty of falling into resentment and dishonesty (though I'm not a cheater, I often get a wandering eye).

With my current fiancé (I have never been engaged previously) it seemed so perfect because he's so independent. He was only in open relationships before me and so when I said I wanted to be monogamous he was thrilled. He'd never had a long-term girlfriend beyond a few months (I can't imagine why, he's only 3 years younger than me and attractive/sweet). We talked about an open relationship early on and it made sense (arose totally organically) that we pursue that when I'm away on tour. I'm not overly promiscuous, I just actually feel guilty leaving him so often for so long and don't want him to resent me... I also get a wandering eye and it puts my heart at ease knowing that's "allowed". I have only ever thought about it, never taken advantage of our arrangement (until very recently) and he has been with people a couple of times. All of these compatibilities led me to the conclusion that he was the one for me. How else could I ever sustain any kind of long term relationship with anyone!? I need to feel free, yet need a home-base from which I can regenerate and create art. I love the consistency of having a caring partner at home, while also having the freedom to pursue my art without guilt. He wants kids, he's not in a rush, he's so even-keel and easy to be with - he makes me feel safe in my volatile artist's life. I have felt really set up for success!

OF COURSE there are many holes in my plan which have recently made themselves abundantly clear. Rewind the clock 4 years... my guy took me on our first date and it was to an underground rave where he got blitzed on drugs and my gut gave me a resounding NO. I told my band mates this "well, nope he's not the one for me, that's a relief" I didn't WANT to meet the one either. Then I went away on tour and crushed on him, then I came back and realized how totally sweet and considerate he was and gave him a second chance. He gently wooed me and made it so easy I couldn't resist.

Over the years our fire burned down to a slow simmer, I hear this is common (and has certainly been common for me). He has actually often been the one to withdraw from me in terms of sex, much to my frustration. It has become a two-way street, our sex life has ebbed to a mere 2 times per month average (often at least one of them I don't even orgasm, just do it more for him)... but we both enjoy cuddling and kissing and I kind of figured maybe that's fine. I am a very sexual person but my sex drive is very fickle and often dies after a couple of years with a partner. Also thought, maybe it's good for me to get a dose of my own medicine! I am usually the one who ends up pulling away. I have known I needed to work on it with him, talk about it... I've attempted to bring it up a few times to no real avail... but it's hard for me to talk about it and admittedly I'd just as soon let it slide most of the time and go on with our lives.

When he proposed, that day a year ago, I was annoyed with him. He was acting in that certain way that gets to me, all agitated and awkward, needing to have a smoke... I had somewhat guessed that he might be going there, it was Christmas eve and we had stayed in a hotel (on his mother's dime). She LOVES me and I love her back. She spoils us and truly treats me like part of the family. I feel so blessed. She wants us to have kids even more than we do (same with my parents). She has always been there behind the scenes helping him, giving him money on valentines or our anniversary, she's a real romantic! Sometimes I feel like I'm dating HER! And I admire her ability to make amazing things happen, she is truly impressive. His whole family feels so close to me. They feel like my family. I have many times been having doubts about our relationship, spent time with him and his family, and then felt like everything was going to be ok. Isn't that often the opposite of how things usually are!? Anyway it was Christmas eve and his whole family knew, probably even helped him organize it. A spa date, a glass of champaign. He asked me and I said yes. No tears, no butterflies... maybe even a slight sinking feeling. It was a practical choice. I couldn't bare to say no! Didn't feel compelled to do so either. I knew his whole family would be there that night, waiting to hear the news. I couldn't ruin Christmas! Also didn't feel sure one way or the other - I do love him, he does fit in my life very well. I figured love takes compromise and work, that's normal. He's the only one who has fit so easily in with my lifestyle and it has just flowed. Maybe true love is a lie, it all comes down to practicality.

So after all my ramblings (thanks for reading this far) here we are. I had told myself that if things didn't go well for my last two tours maybe it was time to make some changes. My fiancé has grown tired of my drama, feeling upset with my music career being so hard and us never having time or money to go on vacations. I'm in debt, I want to start a family one day, my time is running out! The last two tours just so happened to be the best of my life, and I can feel my career amping up more than ever and a deep desire to give it my all. Our wedding is supposed to be in 7 months and nothing is planned or booked yet. I just found out that I have the opportunity to tour Europe this Fall (a life dream of mine) and have begun booking my biggest tour of Canada yet. I feel like this is my shot!

On this last tour, I met with an old friend, near the end. We had always had a close bond and been affectionate with one another, in a totally plutonic way (though we had a certain special spark). He lives in Australia but I met him here, in Canada, just a little before I met my fiancé. At that time he was going through a bad breakup and I was still processing my last breakup so we just hung out and supported each other. He was very broken over her. He's a musician too - a brilliant one. Over the years we've kept in touch and always supported each other when in need, in the kindest and sweetest of ways. When I saw him that night in Melbourne, it was unexpected. I hadn't known if he'd make it to the show and had been focussed on everything else. I had hoped he would! When I saw him, got to hug him and be around him, I felt something strong I hadn't felt before. A powerful attraction. He felt it too. Fireworks. From then on I couldn't eat or sleep... I just wanted to talk to him and be close to him, as we often had done in the past - but now it felt different... I was definitely attracted to him. He is putting an album out too, one we had talked about years ago, now he's strong, happy and healthy. We ended up spending two magical days together and it was completely mind-blowingly amazing for both of us. The way we can talk to each other is something I have rarely experienced but there is also incredible fiery sexual chemistry and connection. Even though this was all technically within the consensual bounds of my relationship, it has completely thrown me for a loop. I feel I'm in love with my old friend. I feel like that must be crazy. I told my fiancé when I got home a few days later... I said I had been with someone and I told him who and how much and that I felt very connected to this old friend/now lover. He just smiled and shrugged it off "I'm glad he was good to you and that you had fun". I said... "thank you but, how do you feel about it that it might happen again - when I tour there again? I just feel a real connection to him, it was really nice" he said "as long as you're here, with me, in my bed, I am fine with that - I don't see him as a threat". At that point I bit my tongue, it was my fiancé birthday tomorrow, maybe this crazy love feeling will fade and I will come back to my senses. I recently bought a famous book on open relationships called "the ethical slut" and I told my fiancé I thought we should both read it and have more open conversations. That's where we left it. Since then I have talked to my old friend (we'll call him OF) every day, insatiably. We talk for hours, we just relive our encounter and old memories, want to know everything about each other and he's so unbelievable. He knew, that first night my situation with my fiancé... he asked before things got physical... he knows everything up to this point but I'm feeling terrible about my fiancé. I just feel like we need to postpone the wedding while I work out the mess of my emotions and focus on my career. He deserves better, he has been there for me in my dark/struggling times and now I feel he is not thriving with me, he has not made any real progress in his life. It's all so confusing. I'm sorry for the novel. This is complex. It helps me to write it all out. I know how selfish I sound and how opportunistic I've been. I have felt a distancing from my fiancé for some time but thought we should do some counselling (which he didn't think we needed) and things would work out. Relationships take work and aren't always amazing and fiery. I do love him, I am so afraid to leave him and upset the balance of our lives.

Go for all the grants and opportunities OP. Don't end up bitter and wishing you had while you pour cold water on younger women's dreams.

As for the man - decide what you really want. It's not fair on anyone if you don't.

If you decide to go with your current man though then negotiate a change of wedding date so that you can tour Europe.

I think I see other things than most people.
You are very clear about the importance of having a ‘home base’ for yourself. Somewhere to get back to, something that is actually at the heart of your creative side. I think that’s why your fiancé and his family are so important for you. They give you a stability you would be struggling to find when in tour otherwise (and lack of stability leads to the MH issues that the members of youands have been suffering from)
This is important to realise BUT ou also need to realise that there are plenty of ways to achieve that that do not equate getting married.

The other thing that is standing out for me is the desire to ‘do the right thing’. It seems that the right thing for you is having a family, have kids and ‘settle down’ because Your ur music has an experience date. I’m wondering. Is that YOUR idea or is the ideas of your parents and stbPIL? Both sets of parents seem to be very keen on you having kids, more than you are (and maybe more than your DP is too). There seems to be pressure from there to remember your music isn’t ‘life’ and that they are hoping you will settle for something more .... I don’t know secure, valuable, adult??? But is what you want? What you REALLY want?

I think you need to get some clarity on what is important for you rather than what people are pushing onto you. I gather this is the music and I’m at loss as to why this would have an expiry date. You might find that you will practice that in different ways with time but that’s pretty normal imo.

Finally you are a people pleaser and this comes out loud and clear in your YES to getting married. The YES was mainly because you felt you couldn't say NO as it would spoil Christmas..... it’s really not a good enough reason to get married!

My advice would be to find a life coach/counsellor to help you suss out what is and isn’t important in your life and how to live your life
It might be that LT relationhsips are not for you at this moment in time. The level of travel is making it hard to start with anyway (same with having a baby btw).

One last word is that most people on this site are settled, one partner, maybe children and what is seen as a ‘settled ‘ job. So about the opposite to what you are describing (constant travel, open relationhsip, more instability job wise both in the ability to work and the type of work you will do and how) so I think you need to be mindful of that bias.

Oh another question that came to my mind is the lack of sex.
In any other situation, People would ask if your DP isn’t having an affair.
In your situation, I’m wondering if he doesn’t have more relationship than he has told you and therefore doenst want sex anymore. (Because his needs for sex are met else where)

I think you need to ask yourself if you would be happy to come home to someone who doesn’t want you.

As well as wondering why he never had a LT relationship (I’m wondering if this doesn’t have something to do with the fact you are away a lot, you are happy with an open relationhsip so he can carry on having his life like he did before)

I'm going to go against the tide here as I don't think OP has committed any crime or wrong doing.

OP, you're still quite young at 33yrs to postpone the wedding and wait a bit longer until you're truly ready for marriage. Look at the classic example of Meghan Markle, who's now engaged at 36yrs old (although it's the 2nd time for her) but to the right one (we'll hopefully).

True love does exist but it's not like what you watch on TV. It involves making sacrifices for better or worst. I'm afraid, you can't just bolt through the door when things aren't going right. OP, you need to search your heart whilst asking, "Do I really want to grow old with current fiancé?"

To have not gotten married is better than a short lived marriage.

In terms of having children, you might want to put that off until you're more settled in life. You say you're focused on building your music career, in which case there is no room for children in the mix as they'll take-up a lot of your time and resources and rightly so.

You're only 33 yrs young with many more miles to go. If you want to explore the new guy then go ahead but break it off with your fiancé. You can then enjoy your freedom without feeling guilty.

I think if you get a sinking in your heart, even a tiny one, at a proposal- you definitely shouldn't go ahead with the marriage.

If you are getting besotted by other people, you definitely shouldn't go ahead with the marriage.

Your time has come- and even if it's brief, I think you will regret not seizing it. Do the tours, let the fiance move on, and continue to have the relationships you want to have.

You don't have to 'settle down' and marry and have children right this second and everything in your post suggest that wouldn't be a good idea right now.

No idea why people are being so sniffy about what you wrote/length/style, it's pretty obvious it's a long involved post, so why read it just to be sniffy!

TL;DR. Would not purchase for my Kindle.

One last word is that most people on this site are settled, one partner, maybe children and what is seen as a ‘settled ‘ job. So about the opposite to what you are describing

You'd be surprised Not ready. Lots of us Artistes here too. As well as many varieties of 9-5ers. & the polyamorous set, of course.

OP I didn't realise you were 34 tho. I wasn't particularly mature at that age but I'd already had children. & very solid childcare in place for when I toured, my family were very on board with that. I quickly began to tour UK only however as I missed my DCs too much. Then progressed to mostly workshops instead of gigs, so I could be around.

Children may or may not happen along the way, but sounds as if next 5 years at least, is for career/touring focus

I appreciate that Cee
I think my comment was more a reaction to PP who are in a very different situation than the OP. And the OP lifestyle is often seen as excentric etc etc.

Your comment about your work changing once you had dcs is what I was thinking about re being able to carry on with the music but in a different way.

My DH is a touring musician and nothing like what you've described. It's a choice. It doesn't have to come with your job. It's not like all people who work in offices and shops are stable, sensible, not self-obsessed or whatever. Your generalisations as an attempt to justify your (imo bad) behaviour are offensive and crude.

As everyone has said, don't marry your fiancé. Just enjoy touring and shagging around. Park the kids idea - they need a lot more looking after than cats and who do you expect will do that?

Ask yourself very honestly: are you using a narrative of your image as a muso on the road to romanticise a situation so that you can avoid the difficult conversation at home.

The conversation that admits that you accepted his proposal knowing in your heart of hearts that it was wrong, that you, at best ‘settled ‘ for whatever you could pretend was your fantasy future, that you are not actually in love with your DF, that you would rather tour internationally than plan a wedding, and that you really are going to pursue your ‘special spark with your OF.

This isn’t about convention, lifestyle, being creative, it is about being authentic and honest in your emotional relationships.

I think your DF sounds as a bit of a dickhead, what with forcing you into an "open relationship"(it wasn't an open relationship, it was him pressuring you into accepting his shagging whoever he wants). Your sleeping with the OF might have happened regardless, not as part of this arrangement you have.
You DF's mum paying for everything (what does he do for a living?), him getting off his face on drugs, him not sleeping with you...even if he proposed, I don't think he did it because you are the One, sounds like it might be his family's pressure or some practical reasons he's being guided by.

He will be hurt if you break up the engagement, but not because you'd break his heart, don't worry about it too much, he'll be hurt because it is never pleasant to be dumped, but in the end you'd be doing him a favour.
You are not gonna live with his mum, her feelings are not your primary concern. She is probably not aware he tricked you into an "open relationship" from the start anyway, you could tell her the truth if you want.
I imagine you'll go through enormous pressure from both sets of parents if you break off the engagement, but it's your life, not theirs, they might be wishing well and thinking you are making a mistake, but they don't know what it's like for you.
Are you an only child? Is your DF an only child? Because DPs sound too focused on you and potential future grandchildren, are there no siblings who could distract them a bit 😁 or provide hope of grandchildren?

Your trying to have it all.If you choose your career it's likely you will never have children (34 now ,career busy for 4 years will mean your 38) by that time you might not be with a partner and less fertile.
Is your career really taking off ?You are in debt so not making much money.Every band thinks that they are taking off ,in reality 1% actually are.
Don't get married.It doesn't sound like you are both committed to each other and sooner or later one of you will fall for someone else ,without a massive geographical barrier

Your first love is your music. That's where your passion lies. This sweet man that you call your fiancé is only being considered by you because neither of you care about each other enough to spoil your current situation and nor do you make any demands of each other. You don't need to settle down and have kids if that's not what you truly want. Having kids is a massive change in lifestyle for most people but for you it would be life changing.

You're obviously not right for each other. You don't care if either of you sleeps with other people. So end it. Carry on living this life that you love and if or when you meet someone that you love me adore and makes the world for round for you, then consider settling down and also how you can fit your artistic inclinations around having children. Maybe start looking into what you can do that doesn't take you away so much.

NotReadyToMove yes, can see what you mean and you are right, it definitely is considered an eccentric/erratic lifestyle by some people.

I think it suits OP but she's now trying to do what "people" think is best/acceptable/the norm, but it won't work for her.

Albeit lots of us manage to meet partners, have DCs etc somewhere along the line. It's hard to accept having to put the lifestyle on hold for a bit but there's no avoiding that. If it can't be done then sticking with the freedom & hopefully remaining mindful that age time and biological clock wait for no-one..

Your trying to have it all.If you choose your career it's likely you will never have children (34 now ,career busy for 4 years will mean your 38) by that time you might not be with a partner and less fertile

OTOH maybe the OP can have it all by the OH being the SAHD. Many women perform this role for touring male partners after all and I bet they shag around too.

OP, I'm a romantic like you. Have been a serial monogamist. I'm never ever single but I can't seem to stick around.

I don't think it's my own fault. And I don't think it's your fault that you aren't as into your fiancé as you want to be.

He confessed he was at a festival and wanting to sleep with another woman. If I heard this, I could probably push it to the back of my mind and act cool and go along with it.

I would convince myself that I wanted an open relationship, too--because I am an unconventional person and of course that would be what he loved about me. And I could have an unconventional relationship if I just convinced myself he really really loved me.

But then he stopped fancying you as much as you wanted him to sexually.

You rationalized this and made up some reason why he couldn't wait for you while you were on tour because he needed sex so much...but now you're around he suddenly doesn't need sex that much. I'm sure you came up with a good answer.

Your conscious mind and your ego need to believe that he is the comfortable place for you to land in between your forays out into the world in pursuit of fame and art. Because you so desperately want that comfortable place and you deserve it.

But your unconscious mind knows he's just the same as all the other bastards. He wants you on his terms. He wants to squirrel you away from the limelight...and if he can't, he'll withdraw just enough to hurt you but make sure that he can still get his own on the side while keeping you down.

And the thing that really bloody hurts is that no matter how much you insist to the world that your music is the main thing, you'd happily give it away for kids and a man who could love you as fiercely and unconditionally as you are capable of loving him.

But I fear there are no men alive who can love like you do. Just as I fear there are no men alive who can love like I do.

Your OF sounds like the start of several relationships I've had that didn't pan out. He got lazy or my novelty wore off. Without the initial high, he stopped putting in work. This has happened to me three times in my life and it is devastating. But on hindsight they were all such fucking bastards to give up on me and they were so fucking careless with love. They just stopped trying because it wasn't over-the-top exciting anymore. Things fizzled out. I can't even think of those unimaginative, predictably wandering complete cunts without feeling some kind of deep feminist rage: the rage that we live in a world where men take us so much for granted that even when we start out with the whole world at our feet, it's not enough for them to commit to the kind of love we deserve.

So I dunno. I don't think you will find better than either of these two. So you may choose one or the other or neither. It's a crap shoot.

But I don't think you are self-absorbed as many here have stated. I think you are hurt and idealistic and romantic. I am the same. I'm a decade older than you and I don't believe that people like you and I can have the kind of love we dream about, so we choose to settle down or we put up with all the shit that the men we TRULY love put us through. (FWIW I've chosen the latter but I'm not always confident I've made the best choice.)

blarrrggggg what a read - you don't sound mature enough at the moment for a relationship, an open relationship, marriage and definitely not kids. Go on the tours, shag about and give the music a go.

I would cancel the wedding (call it a postponement if you like).

I would also think seriously about freezing some eggs.

I would also get some financial advice so you're protected long-term.

Iow, choose in favour of what makes you happy but, also ensure you lay some foundations which will help to support you in the future.

Sounds like you are in love with the idea of being in love. Have you googled 'Limerence'? From what you describe, you seem drawn to relationships that are dramatic? Maybe you have a low boredom threshold? You do sound a little Narcissistic? However I'm aware Narcissism is on a spectrum so I'm not insinuating you're a proper Narcissist! More centred on 'self' rather than 'others'?

Your DP's mother sounds controlling. Do you think your DP struggles to define his own identity in her shadow?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe is there any need for you to be so fucking spiteful?!

Op some people on here are being vile, I'm sorry. You don't fit in their mound of how someone should think and act. I suspect part of it is bitterness and jealousy, it's the same people who make snidey comments on other threads.

Obviously don't marry him though.

I suspect you're an adrenalin junkie. As a musician, when you perform you get nerves leading up to the performance, during it you are in heady thrill, and afterwards you are on a high from the adrenalin rush.

New relationships are similar to that, the nerves leading up to dates, the adrenalin rush, etc.

What you don't know how to do is to live an 'ordinary' life. The normal waiting, when things are just.... there. It's not exciting, it's not extraordinary, it just... is. So when the excitement of a relationship dies down, and the rush is no longer there to the same extent, then you stop enjoying it, hence the lack of orgasms.

Have you ever gone on a retreat? Somewhere you can stop and think and be with your own thoughts and in your own head? It might do you some good to go on one. Because it's not healthy to live your life on a constant high. You need to learn to enjoy the plateaus as well.

Don't give up the day job op

Sex only twice a month though. I mean, I can understand that if you've got babies and small kids, but if there's just the two of you to consider, you have to ask what's getting in the way of intimacy?

Unlike all the MN on here who have little time to themselves because of putting their DC's first, you and your DP have all the time in the world to show love to each other. You need to be honest with yourself about what is REALLY going on here. Maybe he's a withholding abuser or maybe he's on drugs that have dampened his sex drive? Maybe he KNOWS he doesn't have much sex drive and that's why he's offering an open relationship?? A lot of drug addicts prefer drugs to sex. He may not even have "had a few" but might be just saying it!!

Kevin if you think I'm being 'spiteful' then report my post. I have my own opinion on the OP and I have no time for grandiose excuses why messing about in marriage is in any way acceptable.

Was that your only contribution to the thread?