Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found husband's dirty messages to colleague

106 replies

peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 22:36

What an absolute knob. Sorry this is an all too familiar tale of woe...

Messages on computer...blah blah blah...you make me feel alive...wouldn't turn you down...blah blah ... he's not even denied it just said he was drunk and it meant nothing. Prick. Got no one to talk to so offloading here.

OP posts:
2birds1chick · 17/01/2018 22:37

He's an arse.

Being drunk is no excuse...

Inthishouse · 17/01/2018 22:38

That's such a shitty excuse as well as a shitty thing to do. I've never had the urge to send texts like that, drunk or not, so have no idea why some blokes think it will get them off the hook.
Has this come out of the blue OP? Flowers

Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 22:39

amazingly not too drunk to be able to send messages at 2am.

OP posts:
Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 22:42

pretty much out of the blue yes. not even clever enough to delete the messages. asked to see his phone immediately and there's nothing saved under her name and no recent texts to a name I don't recognise just in case he's called her jack or something.

OP posts:
fos6mo3 · 17/01/2018 22:42

Tell him he's had an emotional affair with her whilst he was drunk he needs to accept this and grovel .... and realise you're
Upset !

thelastjedi · 17/01/2018 22:45

Do you know if the flirting started before the drunken messages as in has it been going on for a while?

Either way there's no excuse for any of itThanks

remaincalm · 17/01/2018 22:47

What an idiot. Hopefully he will realise the impact of his drunken behaviour. I hope he's very sorry.

meowimacat · 17/01/2018 22:49

So he isn't remorseful? I don't care how drunk I am, I know what I'm doing and if I'm in the wrong/overstepping the mark.

So he's going to be seeing this woman every day at work and you just have to plod along and forgive him? What was her response to his messages, if she did respond?

I would be VERY cautious to trust him again. He's minimising his behaviour.

Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 22:52

Last Messages seen by her but not replied to. In fact she only replied to tell him she's a 10 and not an 8 as he said she was (fucksake he can't even flirt properly who tells someone they're an 8???)

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 17/01/2018 22:57

Sorry but the 8 made me laugh out loud.

How disrespectful, embarrassing and unprofessional.

thelastjedi · 17/01/2018 23:05

Hope you're ok OP. He is totally minimising his behaviour. If he has to see her every day I wouldn't trust him at all. Really sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 23:09

Thanks for the messages. He doesn't seem to understand that trust is a delicate thing and breaking it will make you question everything. Like what did he get up to every other time he was drunk. Like the person a long time ago who messaged me to say she'd slept with him...maybe that was true and not some wind up merchant. sighs

OP posts:
AlwaysOneSock · 17/01/2018 23:09

Is he referring to her dress size with the 8/10 thing or rating her as an 8! Please tell me it’s the former?
Sorry you’re going through this. Bring drunk is not an excuse. All alcohol does is loosens your inhibitions and lets you do things you’re too nervous or embarrassed to do when sober. Decent, faithful partners do not cheat simply because they’ve had a few to drink. Hope you’re ok.

thelastjedi · 17/01/2018 23:12

Where is he at the moment op? I'm shocked some woman messaged you a long time ago saying she slept with your dh. What did he say back then??

I think maybe you need some time to clear your head. And he need to work on a sincere apology and a vow to change for the better.

Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 23:14

I assume it's rating her an 8 out of 10. This was NYE. I got a message to say he might stay out where he was (family party) and sleep on the sofa but then he came home. Perhaps a bit dejected that she didn't respond. Poor poor man.

OP posts:
LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 17/01/2018 23:16

Hope you're ok op, what a twat badger he is.

Do you know this woman?

Have you had reason to suspect anything at all lately?

Hugs to you Flowers

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 17/01/2018 23:18

Just read update- sorry to think this but is there a possibility that he would have stayed with her if the messages had gone further ( in his head ) if that makes sense

So he told you he may stay on family sofa as a diversion?

Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 23:24

I don't know about the sofa thing. It makes sense to sleep over at a family party to avoid a NYE's taxi fare and I don't mind if he sleeps somewhere as long as I'm told where (major anxiety if I don't know someone is safe overnight...plus it's just so incredibly rude to not inform your bedmate of your whereabouts). However when trust is broken you question everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 23:28

And the message about 'i'm sorry i slept with your boyfriend I didn't know he had a girlfriend and im so sorry i thought you should know' he said she was making it up. I believed him since she knew someone who had a bit of beef with me. (Sounds so lame I know, Im not really a drama llama)

OP posts:
theftbyfinding · 17/01/2018 23:30

If my dh told another woman she made him feel alive, I'd have to assume I didn't make him feel that way. And then kick his alive ass out of the marital home, pronto.

How did he react to the message you were sent alleging he'd slept with someone else?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 17/01/2018 23:34

I am so sorry OP....he sounds like a proper tool.

The lack of response from him in the light of your discovery, illustrates that he either has no love or respect for you or he's checked out of your marriage.

I'd be very seriously working out how to end things.

By the looks of things he's already scouting his next woman.

Original poster
peasepuddinghot · 17/01/2018 23:35

Fairly calmly. There's a backstory there that came from a lie he told. He wonders why i dont always trust him yet he has told lies that are easily found out. See it makes you wonder if there's other secrets that he's hidden better.

I realise he sounds like a complete dickhead now.

He went innthe bath then asked if he'd be sleepi g on the sofa tonight for those who were asking

OP posts:
IrkThePurist · 17/01/2018 23:40

He told her she's an 8? Did he try negging her?

www.newstatesman.com/blogs/voices/2012/05/negging-latest-dating-trend

Notadrill · 17/01/2018 23:52

Oh this just sounds majorly shitty for you OP Flowers
And as for the '8 out of 10' bit... Hope no other woman touches him with a bargepole.
And there's definitely a pattern there.
Time to sack him off.

Itsjustmarley · 17/01/2018 23:54

I'm sick of hearing about these disrespectful men. Who the hell do they think they are. If he's not even remorseful then he doesn't value you and doesn't think he needs to try and keep you happy. If you know how much you're worth then get out of this. He's the type of guy who just sees women as playthings, giving a woman an 8/10 is basically trying to psychology make her think "well what's wrong with me that I'm not a 10?" And then usually a woman with kinda low self esteem will try and prove herself to him. He's a head fuck and you can see that by blatantly not giving a dam about the messages he sent, wants to lower your self esteem so you don't realise that you're probably to good for him. Get out.