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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My darling husband shoved me and called me a prick today

118 replies

SnapYap · 07/12/2017 20:35

This morning DH and I were rushing around as usual to get ready for work and get the toddler ready to be dropped off at childcare. I work 3 days, Dh full time. I do all drop offs and pick ups for ds. I was in the bathroom a little longer than expected this morning (I came on) and DH kept coming in to the bathroom and asking me to hurry up. I asked him to leave the room so I could get on with it and be sorted quicker. It was literally probably an extra 2 minutes.

I then finished, left the bathroom and started dressing toddler ds, and then went back in to ask DH something before taking ds downstairs for breakfast. DH was so annoyed that I'd come into the bathroom while he was in there, even though he'd just been doing it to me, that in front of ds he grabbed me by the arm, tried to turn me round and shoved me out the room. It was quite a rough grab and it hurt at the time, didn't leave a mark or anything. I told him it hurt. His response was 'you're a fucking prick and you're making me late for work again' even though he was completely ready to go, and always gets himself ready and leaves, whereas I have to get myself and DS ready, fed and dropped off.

Then at home we argued about washing and he called me lazy. He had a go at me for giving ds some bubble wrap to play with. He lay and stared at me and ds while I was trying to get him to sleep (I do all bed times).

I don't know the point of this thread other than to vent a bit as I can't explain how angry I feel tonight. I cannot even talk to him.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 07/12/2017 20:39

Is this a one off? I had a relationship like this, occasional at the start, got worse and worse over the last few years (21 years together in total). It got to the point it became normal for me and took a long time to acknowledge it. I think the back story is important here, tell us a bit more.

ChickenMom · 07/12/2017 20:40

His behaviour is not acceptable and is abusive. What do you feel you should do? Physically grabbing you...nope. In front of your child! Nope. What happens the next time you argue? Will he smack you? Personally I wouldn’t stick around to find out

Fishface77 · 07/12/2017 20:41

He's a load of SHIT.
But you know that.
He seems to do fuck all.
Why do you put up with it?

Original poster
SnapYap · 07/12/2017 20:52

I don't know what else I can do.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 07/12/2017 20:52

He's abusive.

He's role modelling abusive behaviour to your son.

AskBasil · 07/12/2017 20:54

What do you want to do?

You know men who batter women, don't start off punching them, don't you? They start off the way your bloke did today - minor stuff that you can brush off.

Then they escalate.

What does he say about the fact that he used physical force against you today?

laudanum · 07/12/2017 20:59

This is abusive behaviour, and if he can do it once he can do it again. Do you have somewhere you can go with your child?

Amatree · 07/12/2017 21:05

Leave him, and I don't say that lightly. No one who loves and respects their wife speaks to her like that and who knows how much worse it will get. Your child should not have to witness that sort of behaviour in his own home and you need to get him away before it does some damage. Your husband sounds absolutely awful. If you do everything already you will be well able to cope without him.

Iris65 · 07/12/2017 21:09

You need to be very clear with him about the fact that grabbing you and calling you names is not acceptable. Tell him what the consequences are if he does it again and follow through.
Zero tolerance is the only way to deal with abuse.

pog100 · 07/12/2017 21:17

You know what you can do, leave him. At the very least make it clear that is it the REAL consequence if he doesn't treat you with the respect that everyone deserves.

SonicBoomBoom · 07/12/2017 21:19

Has he ever done anything like this before?

stopbeingadramallama · 07/12/2017 21:21

He's the prick. Please don't put up with this.

zeddybrek · 07/12/2017 21:24

He's clearly not doing his share. And he's not being a very good role model for your son. He sounds very rude.

Ok I'll say it.

LTB

Shen0102 · 07/12/2017 21:24

Wow he doesn't sound pleasant to be around. Is he always behaving like this?

He definitely needs to pull his weight and help his son get ready too.

Feel for you OP xxx

Apileofballyhoo · 07/12/2017 21:32

He's an abuser. Sorry.

Lefty1 · 07/12/2017 22:28

How long have you been married? Has he ever shown signs of this behaviour before?

Has he apologised this evening at all or acknowledged that his actions were totally out of line?

Lefty1 · 07/12/2017 22:29

I agree with @iris65

Wheresthebeach · 07/12/2017 22:42

He's abusive. Do you really want to live this way? Imagine if your children learn to treat you that way as well.

One shove will escalate...and escalate....

Original poster
SnapYap · 08/12/2017 06:45

There's been no attempt to acknowledge that anything he did was wrong. He tried to sit next to me and give me the little sad look/puppy dog eyes to make me feel sorry for him, and also then asked 'why are you in a mood'. Fucking hell...

My ds was quite stroppy with childcare all day which is extremely out of character for him. Do you think witnessing that could have caused it??

OP posts:
BrizzleDrizzle · 08/12/2017 06:57

*There's been no attempt to acknowledge that anything he did was wrong. He tried to sit next to me and give me the little sad look/puppy dog eyes to make me feel sorry for him, and also then asked 'why are you in a mood'. Fucking hell...

My ds was quite stroppy with childcare all day which is extremely out of character for him. Do you think witnessing that could have caused it??*

This means I'm saying LTB.

Dancinggoat · 08/12/2017 06:59

Yes. Even babies pick up on aggression.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2017 07:01

SnapYap

You write you do not know what else you can do. I tell you now that nothing will change for either you or your DS until you find it within yourself to leave your husband. And yes your son's behaviours in childcare today are directly linked to seeing this at home. He is seeing his dad abuse you as his mum. Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships; for him to go onto abuse his wife/partner also as an adult?. You are doing your bit here to show your son that currently at least, this is acceptable to you.

I also wrote this to you last time:-

"He is abusive. This from him is actually typical of the abuse cycle; he's been "nice" (and that is part of the act as well) and now he's reverted to type. The nice/nasty cycle he is showing you is a continuous one and its all part of a well worn script.

You do not need your mother in order to leave; she is neither of use nor ornament to you anyway. Her own poor attitude has played a role in you staying within this abusive relationship to date. She certainly did her bit to teach you some damaging lessons on relationships and those have stayed with you. She is perhaps partly why you have stayed because you have not got the emotional support you need from her either, she tells you "that's life" and all that other put up and shut up garbage.

Is this really what you want for your son going forward, to see his mother being abused verbally by his dad?. It will not do him any favours at all, he is turn is seeing all this and will learn from it. Being with this person for you is really akin now to death by 1000 cuts, you modify your behaviours around him to try to keep him calm.

Do you want your son to start calling you a prick and fking idiot as well; he will learn that it is ok to call you that because his dad does and you take that"

MilesHuntsWig · 08/12/2017 07:04

That is neither “normal” nor acceptable behaviour. You need to draw a line with him now and let him know that. Priority is keeping you and your son safe. Good luck.

123MothergotafleA · 08/12/2017 07:10

He sounds like he's The Prick. He's definitely a nasty piece of work, and I would not be sticking around to see what else he has in store for me.

Killdora · 08/12/2017 07:12

I know you need support op but can I just first say I’ve been in this situation before and I want this next sentence to stick in your head.

Your beautiful ds is going to end up exactly the same as your h.

As he gets older he will treat you more and more like shit. Even if it never progresses past this stage, he will learn from his father how he should speak to and treat you. All women in fact.

Eventually it will be them v you.

Or you can get your son out of this toxic situation, before it has chance to imprint on his young mind. It’s already started, of course witnessing that has had an effect.

He’s previously probably thought simply ‘hitting is wrong, nasty is wrong’. But now he’s having to work his little head around ‘but Daddy is showing me that it’s ok to do it to Mum’ and that is disturbing him.

No, right now it doesn’t seem so bad. You’ll be kidding yourself that it’ll all work out fine, that this was just a blip, not worth making your life more difficult over.

You are wrong.

I hope you realise it sooner than I did Flowers