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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My darling husband shoved me and called me a prick today

118 replies

SnapYap · 07/12/2017 20:35

This morning DH and I were rushing around as usual to get ready for work and get the toddler ready to be dropped off at childcare. I work 3 days, Dh full time. I do all drop offs and pick ups for ds. I was in the bathroom a little longer than expected this morning (I came on) and DH kept coming in to the bathroom and asking me to hurry up. I asked him to leave the room so I could get on with it and be sorted quicker. It was literally probably an extra 2 minutes.

I then finished, left the bathroom and started dressing toddler ds, and then went back in to ask DH something before taking ds downstairs for breakfast. DH was so annoyed that I'd come into the bathroom while he was in there, even though he'd just been doing it to me, that in front of ds he grabbed me by the arm, tried to turn me round and shoved me out the room. It was quite a rough grab and it hurt at the time, didn't leave a mark or anything. I told him it hurt. His response was 'you're a fucking prick and you're making me late for work again' even though he was completely ready to go, and always gets himself ready and leaves, whereas I have to get myself and DS ready, fed and dropped off.

Then at home we argued about washing and he called me lazy. He had a go at me for giving ds some bubble wrap to play with. He lay and stared at me and ds while I was trying to get him to sleep (I do all bed times).

I don't know the point of this thread other than to vent a bit as I can't explain how angry I feel tonight. I cannot even talk to him.

OP posts:

Report

notapizzaeater · 11/12/2017 22:21

He’s only going to get worse. You need to make escape plans

coalit · 11/12/2017 22:27

This is an ongoing problem and he's getting worse.

I really wouldn't want people in a supermarket feeling sorry for me and my child, how can you stand it knowing your son will be repeating this stuff soon? It needs sorting OP.

BewareOfDragons · 11/12/2017 22:29

Is this how you want your DS to treat you when he's old enough to start copying his role model dad?

Is this how you want your DS to treat women when he grows up?

Charming.

You are in an abusive relationship. Your son is learning from both of you. Show him that no one deserves to be treated that way, that abusers should be left to be on their own, and take him and have a nice, safe life together.

Mxyzptlk · 11/12/2017 23:18

Is this how you want your DS to treat women when he grows up?
Or other children very soon at playgroup/nursery?

anthonyfantano · 12/12/2017 00:02

no more time 4 the fakes just me and my kids from now on xxxxxxxxxxx

merrykate · 12/12/2017 00:24

Your poor son

ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2017 01:26

Please LTB and don’t look back

Mary1935 · 12/12/2017 06:53

It would help you if you are not going to leave him or report him yet to keep reading these threads on abuse. I came from a very abusive childhood - I felt it was all my fault - I deserved it (it was all normal to me as I grew up with this) however after reading and reading my boundaries got better. I slowly started to let others know - yes mine was a push, a shove, grabbing of the hands - it went on for 10 years approx every 6 months - but there was emotional abuse in between - he took no responsibility - I contacted my local branch of women's aid - I did the freedom course which helped - I still stayed!!! I took up individual counselling which help. I still stayed but I was getting stronger - I actually went to see my GP and she gave me anti- depressants - my mood lifted - the bloody fog cleared and the last time he did it was when he pulled my hair when I was on the loo - I'd had enough - right then and there I saw this as my future - no way - I went to the police and reported him - it can take time - your mothers not helpful to you - you need others that can support you and let you know "it's not normal and it's not right."
You need the fog to lift - I can see you want to protect your child - let someone else know and share your burden. I wish you well.

laudanum · 12/12/2017 06:56

You need to leave or kick him out. You can't go on like this. Contact Women's Aid:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

SnapYap · 12/12/2017 07:29

To be honest I have also recently gone on antidepressants, so now I'm pretty sure it's not me it's him.

I react inappropriately when he does this: I'll try and explain. For example if he called me a fucking prick in the shops. I'll try and tell him he's got no right to talk to me like that, I won't be spoken to like that. And he manages to dismiss me, say 'oh shut up' or something and roll his eyes, and I feel like I must have reacted inappropriately to be telling him not to speak to me like that, and then it's my fault for escalating the problem by asking him not to talk to me like that. So instead now I just say nothing. Don't know if that makes much sense, I hope its understandable.

I've explained to my mum now and also about the shove and she's on my side.

OP posts:

Hernameisdeborah · 12/12/2017 08:01

Hi, what you said is understandable, when you're being spoken to like that you do question yourself and wonder what you should have done to stop it escalating. However, in the first place, your DH has chosen to abuse you when there was no need to do so. He is responsible for his actions, he makes choices to act like this. He does not lose control. Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? You are right, it's not you, it's him. He isn't slightly sorry about his actions and he will get worse. He will abuse your son too. Do what it takes to get out, but please do leave.

Mxyzptlk · 12/12/2017 09:22

He will abuse your son too. This has already started. Please get your son away from him before it gets worse.

I'm glad your Mum is now on your side. None of this is your fault. Your H is being abusive, plain and simple.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice.

SnapYap · 17/12/2017 00:59

I've been shoved again tonight. He also kicked over a stool in the bedroom. We've had a right old barney over it. He's sleeping in ds' room and ds is in our room. I don't know what the hell im supposed to do

OP posts:

Shankarankalina · 17/12/2017 01:08

I'm very sorry to read your update.

But I think you know what to do. You just don't know yet how to do it

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 17/12/2017 01:12

Get the fuck away from this man.. Please

Itscurtainsforyou · 17/12/2017 01:12

Op - it's getting worse. You need to see a solicitor and make plans to break up.

SnapYap · 17/12/2017 01:19

How is it that he's so normal and lovely most of the time and then... I don't even know how to characterise whatever is happening? And he blames me! I genuinely wonder if it is my fault/I'm over reacting. He's text and apologised and said neither shove he thought was too bad and he kicked the stool over accidentally but I SAW him do it out of anger

OP posts:

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 17/12/2017 01:23

It's called the cycle of abuse.

Read Lundy Bancroft, 'why does he do that'. You can download a kindle copy on your phone so he won't see it. It'll explain so much, honestly
.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 17/12/2017 01:24

Read up on gaslighting too

ohfourfoxache · 17/12/2017 01:49

For the love of god keep those texts

PLEASE

They are indisputable proof that he shoved you.

SnapYap · 17/12/2017 01:53

Ive SS them so they've saved to my phone

OP posts:

Linzilou1985 · 17/12/2017 01:58

Hope that you're okay snap.

I was in an extremely similar situation to you with my ex, it got worse when I got pregnant, to the point where he grabbed my throat whilst I was 38 weeks pregnant with twins.

It started exactly like yours has. I stayed until my boys were 5 weeks old then left him. Best thing I've ever done!

Good luck, this isn't going to get better

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Linzilou1985 · 17/12/2017 02:03

I've never heard of gaslighting, Just had a read and it's like someone has written about my ex. Even down to where he used to tell me I had depression or postnatal psychosis. Scary

SnapYap · 17/12/2017 02:05

It doesn't feel like it's me though, if this was someone else's thread I'd say leave, but it's not really me? I'm not making much sense I know. I want to do right by my son. I can't afford anywhere or anything on my own and I'd have to move in to my mothers as I'm not sure Dh would let me and ds have the house. I cannot stand the thought of passing ds to Dh for 'contact' particularly not overnight.

OP posts:

Linzilou1985 · 17/12/2017 02:13

I felt exactly the same. I moved into my Mum and dads. He didn't have unsupervised contact for ages! They certainly didn't even start to stay overnight until they were around 5. I had my solicitors support with this, I set the terms and it wasn't unreasonable; even though my ex said it was.

When he did start having contact at his house, I was worried he wouldn't bring them home, and my solicitor said that if that happens I'm well within my rights to call the police. The way we had split up, or what he had done was irrelevant in this situation.

I really do know how you feel, my ex was such a lovely bloke to everyone else. He constantly blamed me too, and I did feel like it was my fault, but now I know it wasn't!

Financially you should be entitled to a decent amount of tax credits

Flip

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