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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My darling husband shoved me and called me a prick today

118 replies

SnapYap · 07/12/2017 20:35

This morning DH and I were rushing around as usual to get ready for work and get the toddler ready to be dropped off at childcare. I work 3 days, Dh full time. I do all drop offs and pick ups for ds. I was in the bathroom a little longer than expected this morning (I came on) and DH kept coming in to the bathroom and asking me to hurry up. I asked him to leave the room so I could get on with it and be sorted quicker. It was literally probably an extra 2 minutes.

I then finished, left the bathroom and started dressing toddler ds, and then went back in to ask DH something before taking ds downstairs for breakfast. DH was so annoyed that I'd come into the bathroom while he was in there, even though he'd just been doing it to me, that in front of ds he grabbed me by the arm, tried to turn me round and shoved me out the room. It was quite a rough grab and it hurt at the time, didn't leave a mark or anything. I told him it hurt. His response was 'you're a fucking prick and you're making me late for work again' even though he was completely ready to go, and always gets himself ready and leaves, whereas I have to get myself and DS ready, fed and dropped off.

Then at home we argued about washing and he called me lazy. He had a go at me for giving ds some bubble wrap to play with. He lay and stared at me and ds while I was trying to get him to sleep (I do all bed times).

I don't know the point of this thread other than to vent a bit as I can't explain how angry I feel tonight. I cannot even talk to him.

OP posts:

Report

SnapYap · 08/12/2017 07:45

I've made a conscious effort to make my son very happy and make sure he sees nothing bad at all this morning, to then see how his behaviour goes today. I'm extremely worried about the impact a split could have on ds, however now I see that witnessing things like this (there is a lot of arguing lately for him to witness) is going to be much worse for him in the long run I only want the best for my ds in all of this, whether that's staying or going.

OP posts:

Cabininthewoods69 · 08/12/2017 07:59

Leave him. It will be best for d's and you. Abusive men are very good at making out it's not there fault.

BertramTheWalrus · 08/12/2017 08:08

Hard to say if that was the reason for your toddler's behaviour, but it will definitely affect him badly if this happens again and again - which it will. Don't be under any illusions that this is a one-off.
Why do you accept that he doesn't do anything for his son and around the house? Does he trot out that old excuse that he's sooo tired because he works full time?

MissMustBeAMug · 08/12/2017 08:45

I only want the best for my ds in all of this, whether that's staying or going

One half if that sentence is true, the other is a lie, and you know it.

I understand, really I actually do.

But you can’t tell yourself you are staying for the sake of ds.

If he ever gets wind of it when he’s older it will either devastate your dad and make him feel responsible for your bad choice or make him angry at you for putting it all on him.

You know it’s not true. There are a thousand different reasons why some women can’t put their dc first. Whether you are scared of financially losing out, of your ds missing his Dad (all children do, even sexual abused ones, it doesn’t mean staying is the right choice) and you feeling guilty or even something as mundane as not wanting to upset a life that seems ‘fine’ on the outside.

But please don’t kid yourself. You aren’t staying for your ds’s sake. Because there is no possible way that living with a father that treats your mother like that in front of you can ever be ‘for the best’.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2017 08:50

I never write this lightly but the best thing for you and your DS going forward is for you to leave your H. Your son has already seen more than enough already and he is learning from you both about how relationships are conducted. He is also picking up on all the vibes within your home, both spoken and unspoken.

Mxyzptlk · 08/12/2017 09:08

I've had a quick look at past posts of yours, SnapYap.
Your H has been behaving appallingly to you and your DS (by making him witness disgusting treatment of you).
Have you thought of having counselling. Even if it's just for you, not your H, it could help you.
You're in a horrible situation with this man and if you don't want to leave you need to take some other action to at least try to improve things.

Deathraystare · 08/12/2017 10:46

He has had zero respect for you for quite a while, hasn't he??

I don't believe it will get any better.

TDHManchester · 08/12/2017 11:25

No,,just No..

ptumbi · 08/12/2017 11:41

Your DH is a lazy fucker, shoves you and calls you names in front of your child.

This will be your child's 'normal', if you let it go on. Get rid of the problem. LTB.

SnapYap · 09/12/2017 11:05

We started talking about it last night; he apologised for it and then said 'I didn't think it was that big of a push'. I said it was and if he's physical again it's over. Then he started patronising me and telling me that wasn't physical and I was being silly.

OP posts:

WhoWants2Know · 09/12/2017 11:11

That’s gaslighting. He’s trying to convince you that he didn’t really do exactly what he did.

Hernameisdeborah · 09/12/2017 11:14

But it was physical, however much he tries to minimise it, and if he gets away with it this time it will escalate over time. Have you contacted Women's Aid? Sorry if you have and I've missed it, but I remember your previous posts and this abuse does sound like it is getting worse. I know you are trying to do the right thing but you can't subject yourself and your child to this any more. Find your way out, leave. The situation will only end if you do.

Babyblues052 · 09/12/2017 11:16

Does it matter how big of a push it was? The fact is he did push you. Your poor ds it will 100% affect him. Even at this young age and even arguments even if he never sees anything physical.

Me personally I don't think this is a good environment for you or your child and my advice would be to leave.

SnapYap · 09/12/2017 11:45

He said he was doing it jokingly but i know he absolutely wasn't

OP posts:

f83mx · 09/12/2017 12:06

Fuck. That. He's admitted it was a push, then tried to minimise - that and also calling your a prick is joking? Please don't start thinking this was less than it was x

ptumbi · 09/12/2017 14:46

So - physical, then gaslighting, then minimising?

No apology at all???

Of course it was a joke! Violence always is!

Don't wait for next time. get out, and see what he thinks of that.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/12/2017 18:15

I see that witnessing things like this (there is a lot of arguing lately for him to witness) is going to be much worse for him in the long run
You're right, even witnessing stuff like this is damaging and children pick up on tensions in households. I speak from personal experience as a child of unhappy parents

Redken24 · 09/12/2017 18:17

If my husband did that, I'd have told him to get the f out and he could stay out. Just no.

Keepcalmanddrinkcoffee · 09/12/2017 18:40

Please read up about domestic violence. The latest research says that young children who witness it have the same reaction to being abused themselves.
From what you say lots of arguing at the minute.
Is this the childhood you want for him? A child would be happier with a single parent rather than two and learning to walk on egg shells about when daddy is going to hit or push mummy.

MilesHuntsWig · 09/12/2017 20:34

Please kick him out/leave. This had red flags all over it.

SnapYap · 11/12/2017 22:07

I was called a 'fucking prick' in front of ds and the whole supermarket yesterday, for holding onto the side of the shopping trolley. Wonderful

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 11/12/2017 22:09

So what are you going to do OP?

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HughLauriesStubble · 11/12/2017 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mxyzptlk · 11/12/2017 22:19

The whole supermarket would know who the prick was, and it's not you, OP.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid about your situation? That could be a good starting point, in deciding what to do.

C0untDucku1a · 11/12/2017 22:20

Protect your son and leave.

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