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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My darling husband shoved me and called me a prick today

118 replies

SnapYap · 07/12/2017 20:35

This morning DH and I were rushing around as usual to get ready for work and get the toddler ready to be dropped off at childcare. I work 3 days, Dh full time. I do all drop offs and pick ups for ds. I was in the bathroom a little longer than expected this morning (I came on) and DH kept coming in to the bathroom and asking me to hurry up. I asked him to leave the room so I could get on with it and be sorted quicker. It was literally probably an extra 2 minutes.

I then finished, left the bathroom and started dressing toddler ds, and then went back in to ask DH something before taking ds downstairs for breakfast. DH was so annoyed that I'd come into the bathroom while he was in there, even though he'd just been doing it to me, that in front of ds he grabbed me by the arm, tried to turn me round and shoved me out the room. It was quite a rough grab and it hurt at the time, didn't leave a mark or anything. I told him it hurt. His response was 'you're a fucking prick and you're making me late for work again' even though he was completely ready to go, and always gets himself ready and leaves, whereas I have to get myself and DS ready, fed and dropped off.

Then at home we argued about washing and he called me lazy. He had a go at me for giving ds some bubble wrap to play with. He lay and stared at me and ds while I was trying to get him to sleep (I do all bed times).

I don't know the point of this thread other than to vent a bit as I can't explain how angry I feel tonight. I cannot even talk to him.

OP posts:

Tiddlywinks63 · 21/12/2017 19:46

Please open your eyes op. He's not going to change, he's got you like a spider web a fly in its web. If nothing else ffs think about what your son is hearing, seeing and witnessing. Awful.

rainbowskittles · 21/12/2017 19:47

He has done a real number on you. Sometimes it has to get much worse before you finally leave, I've been there

Mxyzptlk · 21/12/2017 20:09

How about when he curses you or your son and calls you both by vile names? Will that be okay because it's not physical?

Thanks for updating anyway. We don't want to sound mean to you, it's because we're concerned.

Original poster

SnapYap · 21/12/2017 20:14

Maybe I meant 'blunt' not harsh then, I wasn't offended. Just felt it was abrupt, but I understand the reasoning. I always said if there was ANY physicality then he'd be gone. Then I said if it happened again. And now I'm saying it again!

The main problem is a confidence issue. I just don't trust that I'm making the right call by splitting up our family over something like this which isn't really that bad (just a shove), or that often, when a large majority of the time we tick along okay. Is it not just selfish of me to decide break up my sons parents, when it's not really that bad? I don't know if I'm explaining my thoughts clearly or not, I hope I am and you can see where I'm coming from, even if it's not accurate.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnapYap · 21/12/2017 20:20

Another thing I want to add is that perhaps I have a bit of a skewed ideal of what is 'Best' for ds. Is that financial security with two parents, nice house in nice area, both parents living together? Or living with only me, on a very modest wage, probably in a worse area depending on what I can afford. Passed back and forth from mum to dad the whole time. Doesn't sound nice to me

OP posts:

LabradorMama · 21/12/2017 20:22

You’ve had some great advice above.

Read the book.

Do the course.

Get your ducks in a row financially.

Have a Plan B ready to spring into action.

Because it will happen again and you need to be prepared. How far does he have to go before you realise? A punch? A punch to the face? Hurting your son?

Please don’t wait too long.

Mxyzptlk · 21/12/2017 20:24

If DS was only with you, he'd not be constantly on edge in case his dad would suddenly kick off.
That's got to be good.

LabradorMama · 21/12/2017 20:24

I stayed a long time because I thought me and ex as a couple offered a better lifestyle ... I left in the end because DS was getting old enough to take in what he was seeing and I didn’t want to be responsible for him growing up to be just like his dad. Yes I’m less well off now but I’m so much happier and that is better for him

Original poster

SnapYap · 21/12/2017 20:26

DS isn't on edge. He's totally at ease with his dad. I've been watching him. Ds has never and still never actively volunteers cuddles and kisses to his dad (I get millions thankfully!) but he'll chat to him and play games with him and things like that. There's no tension for him day to day. But he obviously has witnessed lots of arguing.

OP posts:

DangerMouse17 · 21/12/2017 20:29

Nice people don't shove each other OP. You are delusional if you think this is a "normal" relationship. It isn't.

Regardless of nice house, two parents in the home etc., your Ds will notice the shoves, the disrespect and the abusive treatment. It WILL damage him.

I was in a very similar situation when my ds was born. Called a prick, fucking dick in front of all and sundry. Then it moved onto kicks and shoves. Then it was a knife and death threats.

Don't be weak OP. Your DS is counting on you.

BettyBaggins · 21/12/2017 20:30

Safe sounds best for your son. Husband first grabbed you in the bathroom in front of your son. By staying you are teaching your child it is ok to hurt and demean you and other females.

I appreciate you experienced violence in your own childhood home but it is not ok.

Did he never shove you before the bathroom incident? If not his behaviour is escalating rather quickly.

I can tell you now the sense of pride in forging you and your son a safe happy future far outweighs the guilt you will feel of staying and the effect on your childs life.

Time to be brave and show your child what brave is and does. My sis stayed and kidded herself for ten years it wasnt affecting the kids. She has huge regrets over that.

Stay safe over christmas.

FantasticButtocks · 21/12/2017 23:22

something like this which isn't really that bad (just a shove) Just? If you had a daughter and she grew up, and a man did this to her, is that what you'd say? He minimises it. And you minimise it. Because it's an uncomfortable truth to acknowledge, for both of you.

Maddiemademe · 22/12/2017 09:55

Still minimising, excusing. You are worried that your son will live with only you on one wage and that doesn't sound very nice so you stay?!?!? You do need a wake up call. Do some research on the damage staying is going to cause him, even if you blindly refuse to believe it and keep lying to yourself. Woman up ffs and protect him!

FizzyGreenWater · 22/12/2017 10:09

Your reasoning, your approach is the kind of one that ends up with your child finally witnessing real violence. Not your fault - it's never your fault, all the blame would be HIS. But, you have the choice to get your DS away before that happens - and you are not doing it. You are finding reasons not to do it because it is a hard thing to do.

You're busy telling yourself that he wouldn't do this or that. But you don't know. When you married, did you think that you'd be called a fucking prick on a daily basis, and shoved around?

The point people are making is that you do not know where this will end up, because that will be decided by him.

Abuse tends to escalate. In fact it pretty much always escalates. Rather than, as you seem to be hoping, it suddenly stopping because Mr 'Prick' caller suddenly sees the light and realises how awful he's been.

No. That isn't how it works and absolutely everyone is telling you that.

Yes they always apologise and show remorse.
And then they lose their tempers again
And it gets slightly worse
And the abusive language gets freer, and your child sees more and more
And once they've shoved you once and you've stayed, it's normalised
(this is the point you're at right now in this storyline)
Then the apologies get bigger, and the tears come
And you know what you should be doing but it seems impossible and so you desperately look for the good
And a temper gets lost again
And the shove is bigger because the taboo has gone
And finally, it's the big one.
If you're lucky, you won't be standing at the top of the stairs at the time or he won't have something hard in his hand to throw at you and get a lucky strike, and maybe you'll still be there to bring up your son.

Two women a WEEK are killed by their partners. How do you think that gets to happen? Like this. Because normal, reasonable women find ways to apply their normal and their reasonable to violent men who are dangerous when they lose their temper.

MrsGB2225 · 25/11/2018 21:51

Hey OP - you posted a long time ago. Can I ask what happened?

Arnoldthecat · 25/11/2018 22:14

OMG,,just read the headline and thought it said "husband shaved me......."

brizzledrizzle · 25/11/2018 22:15

He's the one who is a prick.
As a colleague once said (thanks Gemma!) I'm no cacti expert but I know a prick when I see one.

brizzledrizzle · 25/11/2018 22:16

Bloody zombie thread

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