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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My darling husband shoved me and called me a prick today

118 replies

SnapYap · 07/12/2017 20:35

This morning DH and I were rushing around as usual to get ready for work and get the toddler ready to be dropped off at childcare. I work 3 days, Dh full time. I do all drop offs and pick ups for ds. I was in the bathroom a little longer than expected this morning (I came on) and DH kept coming in to the bathroom and asking me to hurry up. I asked him to leave the room so I could get on with it and be sorted quicker. It was literally probably an extra 2 minutes.

I then finished, left the bathroom and started dressing toddler ds, and then went back in to ask DH something before taking ds downstairs for breakfast. DH was so annoyed that I'd come into the bathroom while he was in there, even though he'd just been doing it to me, that in front of ds he grabbed me by the arm, tried to turn me round and shoved me out the room. It was quite a rough grab and it hurt at the time, didn't leave a mark or anything. I told him it hurt. His response was 'you're a fucking prick and you're making me late for work again' even though he was completely ready to go, and always gets himself ready and leaves, whereas I have to get myself and DS ready, fed and dropped off.

Then at home we argued about washing and he called me lazy. He had a go at me for giving ds some bubble wrap to play with. He lay and stared at me and ds while I was trying to get him to sleep (I do all bed times).

I don't know the point of this thread other than to vent a bit as I can't explain how angry I feel tonight. I cannot even talk to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnapYap · 17/12/2017 02:17

And it's only a couple of shoves?! It's not like he's beat me black and blue

OP posts:
Linzilou1985 · 17/12/2017 02:21

Well that's pretty much how it started with my ex, and the foul name calling.

I also played it down because he never punched me in the face.

It's still abuse lovely, you don't want your ds seeing that, or believing that's normal.

I get that it's so hard though. My ex split with his girlfriend earlier this year, he was violent to her, she's just gone back to him! So now I'm having to see my solicitor over whether I should allow my boys to have unsupervised contact with them both as it's a huge risk that he will be violent again. I've been told to stop unsupervised contact.

Original poster
SnapYap · 17/12/2017 02:23

Thank you for your replies. Sorry you've been through such a rough time Flowers

What is supervised contact? Who supervises?

OP posts:
Linzilou1985 · 17/12/2017 02:23

The violence was a punch to her leg, she wasn't beaten black and blue.

Linzilou1985 · 17/12/2017 02:25

A trusted family member, or a contact centre? It's always been a family member with my situation.

Earlier this year when he was violent to his gf, I supervised his contact at my home.

Coyoacan · 17/12/2017 03:52

If he can't see what he is doing wrong, he is not going to mend his ways, is he?

My dd's ex attacked her the other day in front of their child and then sat the four-year-old down and told her it was her fault!

Original poster
SnapYap · 17/12/2017 12:35

He's apologised and says he won't minimise or dismiss it anymore and won't do it again ...

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 17/12/2017 12:37

So minimised and dismissed it then?

Killdora · 17/12/2017 12:37

SnapYap that’s exactly what your ds will be saying to his downtrodden missus in a few decades.

fastfrank · 17/12/2017 12:44

Get out now. I read a horrible article just this week where it only started with "just" a few shoves, fast forward a few years and all her kids are dead. No decent husband lays a hand on his wife, even if it's "just" a shove.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 17/12/2017 12:52

Take your son and go to your mums.
The longer you leave it the worse it will get.
Good luck.

MimpiDreams · 17/12/2017 12:53

You told him last time that if he did it again the relationship would be over. He's now done it again, with a bit of escalation (kicking the stool).

It will happen again and it will escalate. It always does. He'll tell you it won't and he will mean it ... until the next time ... and the next time ... and the next.

Every woman who's survived DV will tell you the same. They all follow the same pattern.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 17/12/2017 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hernameisdeborah · 17/12/2017 15:39

He minimised and dismissed it last time. He might say sorry in order to finish the argument but I don't think he means it.

Chocness · 17/12/2017 16:51

I witnessed violence in the home when I was a child. It has scarred my entire life and has made my adult life and relationships very hard. I know you don’t want this for your child so you need to take one big courageous step and leave this man. Do it for your child’s mental wellbeing if nothing else. There are plenty of posters on here who will support you. PLEASE, for the sake of your child’s wellbeing.

Original poster
SnapYap · 17/12/2017 16:55

Today he apologised this morning and it's been like nothing happened. How can I bring it back up now? He'll then make out like I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Chocness · 17/12/2017 17:08

You don’t need to brIng it back up with him, there’s no point. He’ll still be shoving you and calling you names anyway so instead use your energies to plan your exit. It needs one big courageous step and then you are out of there.

jedenfalls · 17/12/2017 17:23

* He'll then make out like I'm being unreasonable*

Well of COURSE he will. It's worked beautifully so far. You'll agree, apologise and he gets to carry on getting his kicks.

Keep repeating to yourself 'he is doing this deliberately, because he enjoys it' there are no words you can use to explain that will get him to understand and stop hurting you, because he does understand. Perfectly. he knows it hurts you, but if he keeps pretending he didn't mean it, or telling you it didn't happen, you say 'ok ' and come right back for more.

And that isn't your fault btw. That's just a trick these manipulative fuckers use to keep you dangling. They find a basically nice person then use that niceness to take then apart for their own amusement.

Hang in there till you are in a position to leave. And don't ever think it's your fault. Thanks

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2017 17:49

How can I bring it back up now? He'll then make out like I'm being unreasonable!

Does it matter?

He's not the boss. It doesn't matter what he says. YOU have had enough of living with a violent man. YOU are (hopefully) making the decision to leave for the sake of both you and your child, and you're doing that at the point at which you decide it's the right thing to do. His response to that doesn't matter.

No matter what the curent 'state of play', he will not want you to leave and he will do everything in his power to persuade, intimidate, guilt, frighten you into leaving. So he will 'make out like you are being unreasonable' at every and any point in the cycle of abuse, because it's a tool he will use to get you to stay.

You are not being unreasonable. He could be lovely and amazing for the next year and one morning you could wake up and say, no, it's no use, I can't get past the fact that he's an abuser deep down' and you could get up and leave right then and that would not be unreasonable. It's up to you whether you wish to stay in a relationship. There is no 'must'. You have the right to walk away.

The only unreasonable actions so far and at all have been HIS. His abuse of you is unreasonable behaviour and even one of the endless stream of abusive events he's doled out is enough to put all bets off the table. You have the right to leave, any minute you choose, and any sensible normal person would look at him and say - are you joking? Of course she should leave you, you are a fucking monster!'

So nothing he says matters. The only thing to consider is that yes, if you feel unsafe, simply wait until he is at work, pack and go and leave him a note. And tell him that you've done it this way because you are afraid of him physically assaulting you if you tried to do so when he is at home.

You owe this abuser NOTHING.

You do however owe your son a safe home.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2017 17:50
  • everything in his power to persuade, intimidate, guilt, frighten you into NOT leaving
Mxyzptlk · 17/12/2017 21:43

tell him that you've done it this way because you are afraid of him physically assaulting you if you tried to do so when he is at home.

If this genuinely is the case, OP, that you would be frightened of a physical assault if you said you were leaving, that tells you that you should indeed leave.

ChubbyMummy12 · 21/12/2017 10:43

How is everything op?

Maddiemademe · 21/12/2017 16:32

Ffs stop this now. Stand up for your DS and bloody leave. There is no ifs or buts. Show you actually mean it when you say you would put DS first but I don't think you do, do you? If you did you would already be gone. The only person I feel for in this sorry mess is your son who doesn't seem to have a mother who loves him enough to protect him.

Original poster
SnapYap · 21/12/2017 19:15

Fuck me, that was an extremely harsh comment. Nevertheless here's where we are up to:

DH and I love each other and love ds. My parents argued a lot when I was young, should have divorced sooner and witnessing this has left its mark on me. I don't think anyone is all bad, and our relationship isn't beyond repair just yet. I've laid my cards on the table and told him that neither I nor my son will live like this. He's grovelled and apologised and I believe that this will be the end of it. I know for certain what I'm going to do if it happens again though. Next act of physicality and I will be calling the police and leaving.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2017 19:31

Your update makes it sound like the previous post was spot on I'm afraid.

Hate hearing this spiel. It's always so gung-ho too. I can understand it. But it's hard to read and not think 'oh yes I know that sentence.'

'The very next time he so much as looks at me funny/raises his hand/raises his voice/puts the lock back on his phone/speaks to that bitch (delete as appropriate) that's it - he's out. No ifs or buts. No second chances. Police will be called. Yadda yadda.

Always the super brave no-nonsense ONE MORE TIME and that's IT posts.

They're always in the middle of a thread. Because the thread carries on and on.

You need to protect your son, and you are not.

Swipe left for the next trending thread