Friend with Benefits says 'I Love You'

[Daughterofanarc]

So I met this guy 3 months ago and was really attracted to him. We were both single. He said upfront that he’d had a really horrible breakup just over a year ago and he felt scared of getting into a new relationship. He suggested something that sounded very much like friends with benefits. I thought about it and then agreed. But what actually happened was that we went on dates (restaurants, drinks, etc) for about 2 months with no sex.

Then we finally had sex. The sex was out of this world amazing. A couple of weeks ago he told me he loves me. We see each other about twice a week — we do a variety of different stuff including going out to dinner, just going for long walks or drives, nights in etc. I’ve met his work colleagues and some of his family members. He calls every other day or so just to talk. He’s making plans for stuff for us to do in the future. We don’t have sex every time we see each other but when we do he stays over, we hug all night, wake up together, go out to breakfast, or just sit in my crib drinking coffee, talking about the future, talking about our work etc. Then we reluctantly part ways until the next time.

There is a LOT of affection, a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes all the time, etc, and hours and hours of kissing.

Is this how friends with benefits arrangements usually work? I’ve not been in one before.

I thought FWB was sex and no dating / texting / small talk - just getting down to business. You seem to be having a relationship!

@altiara

So did I

What did he say that suggested FWB?
When/how did he say 'I love you'?

Um no. You appear to be dating!
I had a FWB for a long time 16 years and it was nothing like that

I would have to figure out what i wanted first then i would have a chat with him about wheather this is just a casual thing to him or something more, he's telling you one thing & acting another not fair to you if its only friends with benefits to him as you may find yourself falling for him the way you spend time together & he can just turn around at any point & just say he doesn't want to continue with it, he could also have genuinely meant it at the start but over time & way u spend time together hes found its become something more to him, couple of diff scenarios but you won't know until you talk about it
going along as you are where neither of you know where you stand isn't good to me

I’d tread VERY carefully here

Fwb arrangements can often go awry, not because the women can’t cope with it or because we’re all delicate flowers looking to fall in love and have babeez with everyone we have a drink with, but because often the guys are in it for power and manipulation rather than a simple “mutual meeting of physical needs”

the guys turn into a bit of a mind gaming “head fuck”? They like to fantasise the woman is secretly after commitment, so they sort of INTENTIONALLY send very disingenuous mixed messages about how “confused” they are when they know exactly what they’re doing.

It’s like they don’t want commitment or responsibility (which is fair play as the ) BUT they also don’t like the idea that the woman is just as uncommitted and free as them.

They want to control the situation so all her time is available for them, and not be on the lookout for other men.

If they throw mixed messages, then they hope that she won’t be looking out for other dates because she’ll be too busy trying to decipher their behaviour.

I’d just be worried he’s saying “I love you” after only 3 months. How long ago was his breakup? Sounds a bit reboundy.

I've got a FWB and no it's nothing like that
What you're describing is a relationship

You need to talk to him

Either he's messing with your head or he has fallen for you hook, line, sinker and copy of angling times.

The romantic in me reckons its the latter.

FWB relationships can get like this. I was in one for ages. 1st 6 months or so, sex only. But it shifted. We got used to each other so talked more, on loads of subjects. Shared political views. Went out together, cinema parties restaurants etc. Even went on holiday. Chit chatted every day. It was lovely.

But I didn't get too into thinking about it too much because it was FWB - that was the agreement. We didn't talk about a future together. Yeah the L word slipped out in moments of passion. But there was no talk of long-term, marriage, kids etc. & there would have been, if it were a relationship

So take it for what it is OP. A nice time. Then when it ends and you move on, no hard feelings.

If he changes his mind says he wants a relationship and you're up for that then, all well and good. But don't mull over it, if it hasn't been said. Don't bet on potential or what ifs or I wonder. Deal with situation as it is. He's a FWB until and unless he declares differently.

FWB, AFAIK, is basically sexual encounters. This sounds more like a relationship.

Urgh, you’re dating! It sounds like he suggested a fwb because he didn’t think you’d go for a relationship but the three months of ‘friendship’ without the ‘benefits’ (sex), should have alerted you to the fact that this wasn’t a fwb arrangement.

Do you want a relationship with him? If not, throw this one back.

I’ve met his work colleagues and some of his family members. He calls every other day or so just to talk

I wouldn’t being doing this after only 3 months in a relationship, let alone a FWB arrangement. Very blurred boundaries here.
I think if you need to badge it properly for clarification, you need to talk

I have had a FWB for the past 3 years and it's not like that. We text every other day or so but it's because we're mates, no deep meaningful conversations just a bit of banter. We meet about once a month at mine for dinner, drinks and sex. I've never met his family or friends and vice versa, I don't even know where he works and I don't really care.

Do you want a relationship with this man?

I think it is quite obvious! He was still recovering from last breakup so to protect himself had intended to go for the no tie attached relationship, however, that clearly didn't work and he wants more with you.

The only thing I'd be cautious about is that he suddenly wake up, panic and back off. I've seen this happened so many times to myself and others.

Saying that, DP told me he loved me 5 weeks after we met and we are still together 9 years later, married 4!

It's definitely a relationship - sounds like he was cautious after being hurt. But is that what you want?

Until he says its a relationship , its not a relationship in his eyes. Dont kid yourself. A man who wants you to himself will tell you AND make it clear. Words are cheap and 'i love you's' can come very easily. This is FWB with the 'girlfriend experience' thrown in for free, for him, at present.

I think Hughmonk could be onto something as in my experience it's been the men who have moved goalposts, played mind games, tried to move goal posts back rather than me getting emotionally attached.

This man could either be a game player or he honestly went into it protecting himself by saying he only wanted casual, but has genuinely developed feelings. Problem is it's hard to tell, so best to think long and hard about what you want then have an honest chat wiith him. Set those boundaries and have clear expectations.

So…..I went into this mainly just feeling ridiculously attracted to him in the physical sense but also mentally/emotionally. 3+ months into it…..I’m not sure how to define it. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more comfortable (yet ridiculously excited/happy) around any person ever. It is possible he is playing games. If he is, he is a very good actor lol

Testing testing

This isn’t even remotely FWB.
I don’t think he’s playing games either I think you’ve got yourself into a relationship.

@dippingmytoesin. But he said right at the beginning he doesn't want a relationship

He said he doesn’t want a relationship because he knew it was too soon aftre his break up.

However that’s just words. Listen to his actions.

You are undoubtedly in a relationship with him so you need to work out what you want and then discuss it with him.

reading the OP was it actually over a year ago he had the break up? (And no children I’m guessing?)

So when you met he claimed he wasn’t “ready” for a relationship based on that?

Some people (male and female) like having the girlfriend/ boyfriend “experience” without actually being that into the person they’re spending time with? Like a sort of emotional comfort blanket?

It’s “nice” for him not having the pressure to sexually perform and just come over to yours for chat (does he actually have to put himself out or pay for much AT ALL or is it just “happy to hang out at yours and you provide the coffee and the food” )

I’m getting the impression that you are reading too much into him “enjoying your company”. That’s really not the same as him actually caring about your feelings or adding any value to your life.

I’d actually ask him straight out, if you’re in a relationship. surely if you’re genuinely comfortable and feel he likes you, then you should be able to do that? ( And I hope I’m totally wrong )