Friend with Benefits says 'I Love You'

[Daughterofanarc]

So I met this guy 3 months ago and was really attracted to him. We were both single. He said upfront that he’d had a really horrible breakup just over a year ago and he felt scared of getting into a new relationship. He suggested something that sounded very much like friends with benefits. I thought about it and then agreed. But what actually happened was that we went on dates (restaurants, drinks, etc) for about 2 months with no sex.

Then we finally had sex. The sex was out of this world amazing. A couple of weeks ago he told me he loves me. We see each other about twice a week — we do a variety of different stuff including going out to dinner, just going for long walks or drives, nights in etc. I’ve met his work colleagues and some of his family members. He calls every other day or so just to talk. He’s making plans for stuff for us to do in the future. We don’t have sex every time we see each other but when we do he stays over, we hug all night, wake up together, go out to breakfast, or just sit in my crib drinking coffee, talking about the future, talking about our work etc. Then we reluctantly part ways until the next time.

There is a LOT of affection, a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes all the time, etc, and hours and hours of kissing.

Is this how friends with benefits arrangements usually work? I’ve not been in one before.

My FWB situation was similar, however that is probably because we did date for a few months first, then a few months after breaking up, we started our arrangement. But we also went out for drinks, to gigs, cinema etc.
That said, we didn't spend time gazing into each others eyes, we were a bit affectionate but not really (tbh that just led to sex.. XD) and I never met his work colleagues. We were actually friends that regularly had sex. We had boundaries.

What you're describing sounds like a relationship so you do need to have this discussion with him.

Has he met your friends and family, or just shown you off to his?

It sounds like a proper relationship BUT there are some guys that love the "getting the emotional labour from you of someone to talk to, showing you off to friends and having fun times" part of a relationship but then rock out the "I said I didnt want a relationship" when they are required to step up when its you that needs the support or work putting in from them.

It could go either way, either he was afraid of getting involved and got into a relationship anyway, or he’s playing you.

I really hope it’s the former.

The only way to find out is to ask how he sees what’s going on.

Be careful here. Defining this as FWB is not right. It’s a relationship. Obviously. However... be cautious because if he ever decides to end this he will say ‘but we were only FWB...’ ‘we were never in a relationship’ and to friends ‘I don’t know why she’s so upset, we were never together.’ I’d find out where you stand as FWB and fledgling relationships are very very different. It doesn’t have to be a pressure conversation. Just see where his head is it. Forearmed is forewarned

@Hughmonk

We go out to dinner, drinks etc usually. He insists on paying. Not sure where you got the impression we're not having sex from. We are. We waited 2 months before having sex though

@Thekitten

What sorts of things did you two used to talk about?

FWB don’t wait to have sex..

@Dippingmytoesin

Since I said I wanted to wait he didn't really have a choice but to wait though, right?

That’s true he didn’t have a choice but if you wanted just an FWB you don’t tend to wait.. you have been dating.

Figure out what you want first.

If you want to be his girlfriend, then tell him that you are not going to act like girlfriend and boyfriend until you both decide that's what you are. Otherwise it's way too dangerous a game.

If you don't want to be his girlfriend, tell him so, too, before he gets his hopes up.

I would assume that he loves you but he's not going to stop fucking other people.

You should also not stop fucking other people, presuming you have some on back up.

@NotTheFordType

Neither of us are sleeping with other people

Everything about what you're saying is screaming relationship. What you're describing just isn't what FWB is all about

@Redglitter

But we don't describe each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. 😜

Once he was talking about something and referred to himself as "the guy you're seeing" but then he looked shy after saying it.

It's the way his eyes light up whenever we meet that made me realise there is more to this. I think both of us are grinning like little kids on Christmas Day morning each time we see each other

Very strange situation!

You might not call yourself that but look at what you're describing. He wined and dined you, you waited 2 months to have sex. You see each other and don't have sex . You go out for dinner, you go to the cinema you've met his family and friends and he says he loves you. That is by no stretch of the imagination a FWB set up That is a description of dating and a relationship. .

You're both kidding yourself on if you think it's anything else

This sounds like my “relationship” about 6 years ago. His name isn’t Chris is it?!

Seriously, you need to establish what you are both doing / expecting and what your idea of FWB is or someone will get hurt, and I tell you it absolutely sucks!!

OK, voice of doom here....I reckon he only knows how to wine and dine and can't just do the FWB thing, so chases you, romances you first, as he knows no other way and thinks its what you need to get you hooked. Remember, he is damaged goods. Remember what he told you.

Just ask him WTF he's up to. Be prepared to be broken hearted if you love him. See various ghosting threads. Sorry.

The cynic in me says that it is as he stated a causal sex encounter with the extra frills of spending time together.

I only say this as this sounds like my brother, who genuinely wants to just have fwb relationships and does all the similar stuff you do with your chap. In fact acts how you would expect a pretty besotted man to act.

He then gets all confused when they start falling for him, it’s taken me continuously pointing out it’s his behaviour that makes girls develop feeling for him, even though he is adamant of the fact he tells them he doesn’t want a relationship as he isn’t ready/interested.

Ask and listen to what he says to you

Can I just ask why you agreed to participate in having a fwb if you wasn't ready to have sex with him, surly that contradicts the whole fwb anyway right there, you agreed to something that you had no intention on doing anyways, so you called it fwb agreed yo fwb but that's not what you was offering in the first place

What did he say that made you think he wanted FWB? Did he actually say that?

It sounds very similar to what I’m in at the moment (without the “I love you” though) only it’s me who doesn’t want a relationship.

I class it as us seeing each other or getting to know each other. I basically don’t want the obligation or expectation of a relationship, but I like him and want to see where it goes.
I know it’s silly really and my mum keeps teasing me about it. Because in truth it doesn’t matter what you call it, if you like someone you do. But for me it’s all happened much sooner than I wanted and I think I feel a bit protected if I don’t class him as my boyfriend or look at it as a relationship.
Maybe your guy is thinking similar.

If it’s ever going to be anything though, you really need to be able to talk to him about it. Maybe just tell him your confused as he said he didn’t want a relationship but it really feels like you’re in one and see where that leads you.

I agree, I wonder if he wants to “keep his options open” - so if he wants to jump ship or meet someone else then he can do so having already set out his “get out free” clause.

Age does matter more in dating for women than men - so if he “wastes time” in something that he isn’t taking seriously deep down it doesn’t matter so much. Google “placeholder girlfriend”

Anyway, if it’s so good, why not ask him directly? The one thing I’ve learned about proper relationships after seeing very bad patterns modelled by my parents is if you can’t tell your trusted partner honestly if you have a problem or what you want (not in a weird melodramatic OTT way but on important things) because you’re “scared of what might happen” then you don’t really have a partner.

It seems a bit like you’re pinning too much importance to the little gestures and overlooking that you yourself don’t actually feel comfortable expressing yourself and asking a simple question of him.

I would be cautious OP. THe whole FWB line may possibly be about keeping his options open. Perhaps he really HAS fallen for you but if that’s the case, you should be able to have an open and honest conversation with him about what he said at the beginning and what’s changed. Perhaps he was afraid of getting really hurt hence the FWB line.
And for what it’s worth no this is NOT a FWB situation. FWB have amazing sex, communicate occasionally but can easily walk away from each other when situations change.

Emboo your period of ‘single & free to enjoy uni’ didn’t last long 😂. Is it ‘bought me a toothbrush’ guy or a different one?

Daughterofanarc. People here aren’t helping by mixing up FB (fuck buddy) & FWB. Several are describing a simple FB, someone you purely see for sex. FBW is just that, a friend who you also have sex with. Then there’s a confusing mid point between the two. I’ve been in a variety of them & they’re all different. The thing is, it doesn’t matter what it looks or sounds like from an outsiders POV, what matters is how you both feel. Everything you’ve described is pretty much the same as a past situation I was in, it was great, I loved him, we had a good time & the sex was good. However, that’s all I wanted. I knew I didn’t want ‘forever’ with him. I was clear with him about that.

First of all you need to think about what you would choose IF it was entirely your decision.

Then you need to decide what, if anything, you want to do about the situation.

So he didn’t actually use the term ‘friends with benefits’ — it just seemed that that was what he was implying. He said right at the beginning that he wanted us to see each other and see what happens. I interpreted that as him wanting no commitment sex. To complicate things further when he said this he was under the impression that I was seeing and sleeping with a bunch of other guys. (The reality was that I was just going on dates and texting back and forth with a few guys, but nothing physical with any of them, not even kissing). He did seem quite distant those first few weeks or so until it came to light that I was not seeing anybody else and that it had been a miscommunication. At that stage his behaviour changed quite dramatically and he started acting more like a boyfriend — inviting me to meet his colleagues, lots of phone calls, being really romantic etc. But we never ever talked about where we’re going with this. I very much doubt he’s ever talked to anyone about where any relationship is going to be honest (he’s very laid-back).

@Lelloteddy

would FWB want to know the intricate details of what your childhood was like, what your dreams are, what your family is like, where you’d like to retire one day, etc?