Friend with Benefits says 'I Love You'

[Daughterofanarc]

So I met this guy 3 months ago and was really attracted to him. We were both single. He said upfront that he’d had a really horrible breakup just over a year ago and he felt scared of getting into a new relationship. He suggested something that sounded very much like friends with benefits. I thought about it and then agreed. But what actually happened was that we went on dates (restaurants, drinks, etc) for about 2 months with no sex.

Then we finally had sex. The sex was out of this world amazing. A couple of weeks ago he told me he loves me. We see each other about twice a week — we do a variety of different stuff including going out to dinner, just going for long walks or drives, nights in etc. I’ve met his work colleagues and some of his family members. He calls every other day or so just to talk. He’s making plans for stuff for us to do in the future. We don’t have sex every time we see each other but when we do he stays over, we hug all night, wake up together, go out to breakfast, or just sit in my crib drinking coffee, talking about the future, talking about our work etc. Then we reluctantly part ways until the next time.

There is a LOT of affection, a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes all the time, etc, and hours and hours of kissing.

Is this how friends with benefits arrangements usually work? I’ve not been in one before.

How old are you both OP?

@SleepingStandingUp

39

Look, it doesn't matter if he 'says he wants a relationship' or not. You are in a relationship.

Fwb means different things to different people. That doesn't matter, what matters is what it means to you. You need to establish and agree boundaries with this person so you don't get hurt.

I hate the term fwb, it's totally meaningless.

I have a lover, we have sex and date but I wouldn't meet his family and friends and we don't say that we love each other.

Yabu for calling your house a crib lol.

That’s a relationship and a decent one at that. Thing is it doesn’t need labels if you are both happy, enjoying yourselves and continue tbh with each other then just carry on as is.

You could subtly ask him what he is looking for in his future, career, relationship & life and see if that gets you talking about your current situation and what he sees it as if you need some clarity.

Was wondering of you were looking towards kids etc? Or if there are shared kids in the middle of it? If not, just enjoy. If I love you makes you feel uncomfortable tell him . if you love him tell him. Just be honest and open.

He said right at the beginning that he wanted us to see each other and see what happens. I interpreted that as him wanting no commitment sex.

You see, I think you are inferring FWB when he didn't say that at all. And he was playing it cool to begin with as he thought you were seeing other guys.

Sounds like you're really into quite an advanced relationship!

@mustang27

LOL re "crib" :-)

Looking back on my past, I've rarely if ever had The Talk with a guy. My longest relationship lasted 8 years or so. We just simply started dating and things progressed and that was that. That's typically how it has always gone for me. There was this one guy I dated for about three months who insisted on having a talk about things quite early on, but I didn't fancy him at all and never even got physical with him and I think his reason for initiating the Talk was because he sensed I wasn't into him tbh lol

This thing I am in now, whatever you want to call it, began with a combination of an extremely strong mental connection/uncannily similar interests in life AND an equally strong physical mutual attraction. So I think had it been just the former, we'd have become pretty good friends. Had it been just the latter, we'd have probably had a passionate fling. But this combination of both things is a lot. And now we really care about one another as well.

@SleepingStandingUp

I have one grown up child. He doesn't have children. He wants children. I had decided I didn't want more kids. Suddenly now I do want another child or two.

Yep you are in deep!!!

I still say enjoy it it sounds fabulous whatever it is.

@sleepingstandingup

Telling him 'I love you' would make me feel so vulnerable. When he said it to me it was just before we went to sleep having had the most amazing sex ever. I immediately thought "hmmm. He means he loves having sex with me."

If I was to be honest, I am completely in love with him. But that is a vulnerable place to be.

Suddenly now I do want another child or two.
You're 39- if you really do want more kids, you probably need to be getting on with that. That means being brave and talking to him. Maybe wait and see if he says OT again or ask what he meant when he said he loved you.

@SleepingStandingUp

This is true. And I should probably get a bit more organised re contraception

Well that might solve the getting down to bisoness bit if you're I bit shaky on using it hahaha
Be brave and be honest, you both sound really loved up x

Haha @SleepingStandingUp yeah I think we will need to talk soon. Our unspoken decision to recently stop properly using contraception speaks volumes 🤣

100% not FWB then just haven’t ‘defined the relationship’

No one stops using contraception with their FWB

Good luck on your talk

FWB situations are rarely clear cut. Great if they are and everyone is happy with it. You are dating and IME you need to clarify your relationship with a really honest chat about how you both feel.

For me, I had a bit of a FWB thing going on years ago. We met through mutual friends (we were only 22/23) swapped numbers, ended up snogging (ha!) on nights out. After a few weeks of this - when I used to go out every week! - I ended up going back to his and having what I thought was a one night stand. Until it became a regular thing, whenever we saw each other on a night out it was a given that we'd go home together. We ended up spending much of the next day together most weeks and the sex always felt like couple sex not one night stand sex iyswim.

In the end (after two years!) I started to fall for him a bit, when we were together we were like a couple. We went to the cinema, if he had a work thing or a wedding he 'needed' a partner for I'd attend with him and vice versa etc. Essentially we were dating. However he said he didn't want a relationship so I pulled back. I told him to stop messing me around, I stopped sleeping with him and I dated other people.^^ It hurt me and I missed him because we had the best time together but I was completely willing to walk away. I definitely lost a bit of my self respect hanging on for someone who didn't want to commit to me.

Well, he didn't like me telling him to sod off much. He pulled his head out of his bum and ten years later we're still together with a 19m old DS and very happy. He says now that he didn't realise what he could lose until I told him to go away.

Wow @DumbledoresPensieve 😍😍😍😍😍

Ha! It’s someone different Annie he’s a bit older than me, but very lovely. Technically I am still single though and enjoying uni

OP, I’d say you’re definitely in a relationship. I think you just need to clarify things with him. I prefer to just straight out ask, but if you don’t you could always say someone was asking who he was and you weren’t sure what to say, friend/boyfriend!

Sounds romantic now @Daughterofanarc but he really pissed me off at the time, him dicking about like that. He wanted all the benefits of having a girlfriend without actually having one.

I put up with it for a while, before I had a bloody stern word with myself and stopped it. He didn't like it - it culminated in a row which left him with a full pint of beer poured over his head, I was much feistier in those days. Eek! We laugh about that now, it's a standing joke that I've never apologised for doing that, as I maintain it was well deserved!

It worked out for us, luckily and he has always been a great partner and now he's a wonderful Dad. We both just needed to grow up a bit - not the case with you obviously as you're much more mature than I was, I was only in my mid twenties at the time.

If that's a "oh let's not use a condom tonight" thing then you def have to talk. And be sure neither of you have anything contagious!!

[If I was to be honest, I am completely in love with him]

It doesn't matter if you think you're only friends, that alone says you're not. What you describe is not a friends-only deal. Friends don't date, they might hang out without sex - but they don't date.

Be brave! Don't let life just happen to you - take the bull with the horns and tell him you feel. He's already said I love you - why not make it a bit more official?

I had come out of a LTR and swore I was just going to date for a while. Definitely nothing serious. In April 1999, literally weeks after my previous relationship disaster ended, I met a guy in a bar. We went out on a date and I completely spelled it out that I wasn't looking for a relationship, would be dating other guys etc. No illusions.

After 5 months, I was supposed to go on a holiday with a girlfriend. She had to cancel. No problem, I'd just go on my own. Guy offers to take friends place, I said ok but that I'll probably spend most of the time reading/on my own as I really needed to relax. Guy says, ok but by the by, when we get back he's going to knock our "thing" on the head as he would prefer a commitment. I agree, knock it on the head, made no odds to me.

During the holiday we had a fabulous time. Didn't spend a minute apart . On the last night he reiterates he's going to back away. I shrugged and agreed but deep down I was thinking "nooooo!!!" but pride got in the way

After the holiday, things died down. I left it about a month till the October 1999 then tentatively rang him, agreeing to commitment. We got engaged the same month and married the following June 2000

We now have a 10 year old DS and have been married 17yrs.

OP- Have the conversation x

Thorn tell us all about the soppy bits

*then