I think my DP may have Aspergers

[Blackkitten]

I think my DP may have Aspergers. What should be basic discussion descends in to terrible arguments and he gets into terrible rages this anger that can last days, he is constantly falling out with people and just can not see anyone else's perspective. He is socially awkward and will spoil things by appearing rude and disninterested, He says he loves me but can be as cold as ice and almost acts like he hates me when he deems I have done something wrong.. I was beginning to think that it was me but now coming to this conclusion, a couple of my close friends have suggested there is something wrong. I am at a loss and would love some examples on how to understand all this.

Why waste your time trying to "understand" this? Who cares what his problem is?? He is abusive and your relationship sounds like a nightmare. Even if he does have a spectrum condition, that doesn't mean you have to stick around and be his punching bag. Run for the hills and never look back.

Aw Blackkitten this must be difficult for you. I have a close friend who has been diagnosed with aspergers and his first marriage failed due to this. As he was veey cold, disinterested at times and came across very rude and inappropriate. We have even had moments during the friendship where I have been furious at him for being rude to me too. He has no filter. However, he is aware of it nowadays and went to therapy and has been able to reign in some of that. He is now with someone else who knows about the aspergers and the relationship is working well as she understands it.
Have you found out what he was like as a child? Usually that can point to clues as my friend didn't talk until he was 6, he was always withdrawn from other kids and was obsessed with specific things such as videos to the point where he would carry vhs' around in his bag and bring them out at any opportunity.

If your partner is up for it, it would be a good idea to go to your gp and ask to be referred. A diagnosis will essentially give him a label which isn't great. But he could possibly receive therapy.
It's difficult as with aspergers etc they don't mean to hurt you or be rude. It's just the way their brain works.

Rages and anger aren't descriptors for Asperger's or ASD.

You need to take a step back and have a balanced overview of your relationship, it doesn't sound from what you posted as though it's one you'd like to continue.

Someone who has terrible rages that last for days isn't someone I'd consider to have as a partner. Get out now and find happiness elsewhere. You'll never find it if you stay with him.

What Aquamarine wrote.

Why are you together at all still; he is simply dragging you down with him be association.

And what if you are wrong and he is nowhere on any ASD spectrum; ASD as well does not automatically equal abusive and he is abusive to you and other people. To me this person you describe sounds more like a Loser than someone on the ASD spectrum.

Rages are not part of ASD.

You are trying to understand the wrong thing.

Get yourself help to understand why you tolerate such behaviour, not why he does it.

Even if he did have a condition causing him to argue, rage and be cold, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

What difference would it make to you if you did decide he has Asperger's?

I'm a bit surprised as the posts above about rage and ASD I know 3 people on the spectrum and 2 of which have had unbelievable rages. One is a child and had to be restrained twice and the other is an adult who took rages during a very stressful time.

I hope none of you 'LTB' posters EVER get ill with anything for posting such extreme measures. The OP wants some guidance and presumably there are redeeming factors.
EVERYONE is on 'the spectrum' which is why it is called a spectrum.
There are online 'diagnoses' that you could look at as a simple starter but seeing a GP and proper assessment would be the best action.
There could be many factors at play here which obviously need addressing so you should BOTH start the search.

Me too Lipsy re the anger, I have been doing a little reading and his seem to be classic symptoms. You mentioned your friend had therapy, how much did this make a difference, how does your friends new wife cope?

EVERYONE is on 'the spectrum' which is why it is called a spectrum

Cobblers.

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Everyone’s a bit autistic, that’s why it’s called a spectrum.”

People who make these sorts of comments seem to think that the autistic spectrum measures everyone’s ‘degree of autism’ on a scale from not at all autistic to totally autistic, and so everyone’s somewhere on the spectrum.

This isnotwhat ‘autistic spectrum’ is meant to mean.

In fact only autistic people are on the autistic spectrum. If you’re ‘on the spectrum’ then you are autistic (or ‘have autism’, whichever is your preference), it is a spectrum of the people who are autistic. Not autistic? Not on the spectrum.

We say that autism is a spectrum condition because there’s a huge amount of diversity among people who are autistic, so it’s more helpful to consider autism as a wide range of different experiences rather than taking a single one-size-fits-all approach.

Um, not everyone is on the spectrum at all out. It's an autistic spectrum that you're either on or you're not.

Both my dh and ds have asd. They don't have rages but meltdowns. Both of the do it in anger at themselves or the situation they are in. They have never raged at another person and certainly not as a way to punish some perceived fault.

I don't love my dh despite his autism. I love my dh and he happens to have autism. I like the fact that if I wonder what the second city in Namibia is I can ask him and he'll know and tell me the population and main industries there. I like the fact that I know he'll enjoy any holiday I take him on as long as there are pg tip teabags and ginger biscuits. If my dh asks me if I need help he will always do what I ask, not anymore or less but word for word. I just love him. If I didn't I wouldn't be with him. The asd is a red herring. You don't sound right for each other.

Saddy What a lovely post.

@outabout I totally agree. It's like it's just clear cut LEAVE him without actually looking a bit closer. I think what needs to be remembered is if you love someone it's not always just as clear as leave him. Unless you're in danger of course or are being actually abused. Quite shocked at these responses.

@blackkitten the child I know on the spectrum takes violent meltdowns. My friend whos in his 30s who has aspergers, he got diagnosed in his 20s. His parents just always assumed he was different from his siblings but didn't really understand aspergers etc back then as there wasn't much awareness. He could come across as very argumentative in work and confrontational to the point where he had to be taken into two meetings. Now his work are aware of his condition and that he can be very inflexible at times. The sad part about this is, he was knocked down by a car when he was about 6 years old and the behaviours started shortly after. But he has now had a clear cut diagnosis of aspergers. He is amazing with numbers and has used it to his advantage in his work etc. Even though he can be a nightmare socially and can be so rude at times, he does have a really nice gentle side. He did a lot of his own research and ended up going to a group for aspergers. He actually said up until his diagnosis he always felt odd and that something was wrong with him as he didn't ever fit in etc at school.

Despite his aspergers and sometimes his insults (I.e. Ur hair looks really fuzzy today, why is your skin that horrible colour (when I wore fake tan) ). He is just saying what he sees. He told me in his marriage his wife would go cold on him for days and then would say im upset because you didn't ask me how my day was or that my new hair cut looked good. He would spend days wondering why she was ignoring him he had no idea. It's sad really because their minds don't operate the way ours do.

He is one of my best friends, he is different from neurotypical people but he is also a great guy, just wired differently. I would often have to explain things to him, like im in a mood today because im unwell, or im upset because when u say that it hurts my feelings. Keeping it simple really helps.

@saddy that is so cute!!! My best friend is exactly the same. Only eats goahead bars and ham sandwiches.

There is nothing in the diagnostic criteria about being an abusive arsehole.

As apps have already suggested, instead if trying work out why he's an abusive arsehole, work out why you stay with him.

Saddy - thank you. My DS has just been diagnosed and that is how he is. But he does have meltdowns, they don't last for days, they can be violent (but that has lessened as he has got more emotionally literate and mostly it is just crying and being inconsolable and needing big hugs till he calms down).

Being on the autistic spectrum and being a narcisstic bully are not mutually exclusive. But it is the latter which is the problem.

His new wife is much more supportive as he went into that relationship declaring he has aspergers and how it affects him.

I remain friends with him, even though he can be rude and judgemental due to his aspergers, despite that he's a really nice person, funny, sensible, has the odd meltdown when really stressed. He has been a great friend, not been a smooth ride as I used to be so offended but now I just brush it ofd and hes learned not to ask me questions about my fake tan haha

... he was knocked down by a car when he was about 6 years old and the behaviours started shortly after. But he has now had a clear cut diagnosis of aspergers.

If he was otherwise developing typically up until this accident when he was 6 years old, then it's likely that his behaviour changed then as a result of a brain injury.

For a diagnosis of Asperger's or autism, the behaviours must be present from birth, early childhood onwards.

I'm very surprised that someone whose behaviour changed after a car accident at 6 years old would be diagnosed with Asperger's.

@seeingadistance he has been formally diagnosed by the nhs and they know about his injury aswell.

Yeah, I'm not denying he's been diagnosed, but he must have been displaying non typical behaviour before the accident to merit a diagnosis.

Should you leave or why should you stay are 2 sides of the same question.
What is necessary is to find out WHY he is acting as he does from which you can decide if he can be helped in a way that you can accept, or not.
Failing to find out WHY something is so is the greatest travesty.

Blackkitten there is a website and forum for partners of adults with Aspergers Syndrome, www.different-together.co.uk. There's a wealth of information and advice there, and a forum where there is lots of support.
Hope this helps. By the way, on the different together forum is a topic called "anger" where there are lots of discussions about rages, rantrums, meltdowns etc.

Blue thanks for that link will take a look. I have to say am a little surprised at some one the posts on hear. But interesting none the less

What is necessary is to find out WHY he is acting as he does from which you can decide if he can be helped in a way that you can accept, or not.
Failing to find out WHY something is so is the greatest travesty.

Finding out WHY would be nice, but the only one who can do that is him. If he refuses to go to a doctor or to counseling there is nothing more which can be done. Even if he were to be diagnosed with some kind of disorder, that doesn't mean his partner has to simply accept his abusive personality because "he can't help it." Him saying he loves you does not excuse his rages and abuse, even if he does have a disorder.

I find people on MN can get very cross when a partners' unpleasant behaviour is put down to ASD. It's unfortunate, because a misunderstood person with ADD can actually look pretty unpleasant. My DH seemed cold and uncaring, selfish and controlling. Until I looked at him through the prism of ASD.

It annoys me that this gets shouted down, because as we all know people with ASD are all individuals. Just because one person with ASD is sweet and well mannered doesn't mean everyone with ADD can be!