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Original poster

I think my DP may have Aspergers

129 replies

Blackkitten · 04/10/2017 13:09

I think my DP may have Aspergers. What should be basic discussion descends in to terrible arguments and he gets into terrible rages this anger that can last days, he is constantly falling out with people and just can not see anyone else's perspective. He is socially awkward and will spoil things by appearing rude and disninterested, He says he loves me but can be as cold as ice and almost acts like he hates me when he deems I have done something wrong.. I was beginning to think that it was me but now coming to this conclusion, a couple of my close friends have suggested there is something wrong. I am at a loss and would love some examples on how to understand all this.

OP posts:
blankface · 04/10/2017 16:41

BlackKitten

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/3039787-MNHQ-please-can-you-clamp-down-on-anti-autism-threads?pg=5

See the comment from LilaBard on the above link, then you may understand some of the comments on here.

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2017 16:46

I don't think it matters why he acts in a nasty way towards you; what matters is what you're going to do about it (ltb)

Gilead · 04/10/2017 16:53

EVERYONE is on 'the spectrum' which is why it is called a spectrum.
Nonsense, but already dealt with.

It annoys me that this gets shouted down, because as we all know people with ASD are all individuals. Just because one person with ASD is sweet and well mannered doesn't mean everyone with ADD can be!
It gets shouted down because those of us with an ASC see a different perspective. I don't have a temper, in fact I'm renowned for my so called 'infinite patience'. My ASC stbxh did have a temper, it was nothing to do with his ASC. He wanted to behave that way. He was a controlling arse, he wanted to be that way, and whilst those of us with an ASC like to be in control, for various reasons, we generally know how not to be controlling, how not to have a temper unless it's warranted. We're people with feelings and it's immensely frustrating when people paint inaccurate pictures of a huge and diverse group. We're bullied enough without someone coming into or onto a supposed safe space and saying my partner is demonstrating these deeply unpleasant traits and the likelihood is its an ASC but we haven't talked about it or seen anyone, just read a bit in a book.
I'm part of a diagnostic team, it takes us on average 18 months to make a diagnosis. You can't do it online or by reading a book.

Original poster
Blackkitten · 04/10/2017 17:07

All I know that my DP in not right and it seems that Aspergers would explain a lot. At this stage it is going to be very difficult for him to accept that something is wrong. A few people have said that once you know what you are dealing with can make life so much better.

OP posts:
outabout · 04/10/2017 17:11

There are spectrums of everything. Some on here are in the 'intolerant' range. However this is not my original point which was that finding out what reasons there may be for his behaviour is a first step. Then the OP can decide what to do.

Albadross · 04/10/2017 17:20

Going briefly back to the car accident at 6 years old thing - some behaviours are t obvious, which is why people will think the MMR caused their child's ASC, and why often people are not diagnosed into adulthood. The autism was always there, but others just don't notice, or signs are masked by circumstances or the person themselves.

blankface · 04/10/2017 17:22

All I know that my DP in not right and it seems that Aspergers would explain a lot

I'm sure all the autistic people reading your post will be delighted to see you think they are "not right"

Have you any clue how disablist you are being?

Gilead · 04/10/2017 17:30

There are spectrums of everything. Some on here are in the 'intolerant' range.
Perhaps you don't understand. Or perhaps it's me, but do tell me about the Spectrum for Cerebral Palsy and how a perfectly able bodied person falls within said spectrum.
Honestly outabout, your post was disablist. Everybody is not on the Autistic Spectrum. Those of us that are, are in fact wired up differently to neurotypicals, thereby making an absolute nonsense to your much abused theory.

Gilead · 04/10/2017 17:31

of, not to. Apologies.

Hermonie2016 · 04/10/2017 17:32

He may have ASD and also be abusive.
How long have you known him? When did the behaviour start.What are parents like?

I suggest you also read books such as "Why does he do that" and The Verbally abusive relationship.

My stbxh was abusive and I suspect had ASD, as a number of his relatives are now diagnosed.I believe ASD accounted for some difficulties we experienced but other behaviours he had control over, such as stonewalling and holding grudges.

What you have to determine is how does his behaviour impact you, do you walk on eggshells? Do you think he wants to change?

If he's unwilling to hear you and change it's likely to get worse.
If it feels like he hates you, I would trust your instincts..he probadly does (sounds hard to hear but sadly could be true)

CoyoteCafe · 04/10/2017 17:48

Since the behaviors started after a hit to his head, he more likely has a Traumatic Brain Injury than autism.

It sounds like you aren't married to him and don't have children with him. Why not just end it? You know the way he treats you isn't ok. Figuring out the correct diagnosis isn't going to make it OK.

Even if it is autism (which I doubt) all that means is that you are far more likely to end up creating a child with autism if you stay with him. Try to image raising a child with a pervasive developmental disability with him. It would be beyond a nightmare.

The way he treats you is not OK. He doesn't think there is a problem. Therefore, just get out.

zzzzz · 04/10/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schmoopy · 04/10/2017 18:21

I have to say am a little surprised at some one the posts on hear Why? In what way?

All I know that my DP in not right and it seems that Aspergers would explain a lot. At this stage it is going to be very difficult for him to accept that something is wrong

With all due respect, OP, fuck off.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with autism as an adult. When I met him he was in denial and I had to work really hard at persuading him that there was nothing "wrong" with him. Because there isn't.

I have Aspergers. There is nothing "not right" about me, nor my friends, nor my boyfriend.

I don't recognise your description of your husband in myself or my autistic friends either.

Schmoopy · 04/10/2017 18:24

Just because one person with ASD is sweet and well mannered doesn't mean everyone with ADD can be!

No, of course. But someone can be a dick and have autism, but not be a dick because they have autism.

picklemepopcorn · 04/10/2017 18:37

Absolutely, and some people can look like a dick because they haven't learnt how to cope with certain triggers that wouldn't bother an NT person.

sourpatchkid · 04/10/2017 18:58

I'm sorry - nothing you have written sounds like he has Aspergers to me. It just doesn't. Have you googled the diagnostic criteria for ASD (try DSM-IV) - if he meets those criteria then come back and tell us

Otherwise he's just an arsehole.

Ps. I used to work in a specialist ASD metal health team.

outabout · 04/10/2017 18:59

Looking through the 'checklist' of common traits for those with Aspergers I manage to score moderately high. Although being 'slightly different' to many others around me it has not been a significant problem as it mainly manifests itself in specific circumstances.
Right at the end of a spectrum you get to the area where it is impossible to measure whether something is or isn't there. This is not the same as none. Probably classed as 'not statistically significant'.

Gilead · 04/10/2017 19:03

out, if a brain is physiologically wired up differently to that of a neurotypical brain, it is them impossible for everybody to be on the spectrum. You are obviously not aware of the implications that such a comment has for the autistic community. It dismisses and marginalises us, it negates our experience. Please stop.

Schmoopy · 04/10/2017 19:05

out the autistic spectrum is not a straight line with Not Autistic at one end and Very Autistic at the other.

Bluebellforest1 · 04/10/2017 19:16

Blackkitten please get yourself over to www.different-together.co.uk. Much more support, much less ltb and hassle.

Titsywoo · 04/10/2017 20:03

My DH most likely has Aspergers (my DS does and they are very similar). He is the loveliest man I ever met - kind, affectionate and he adores me. Sure he can be socially awkward but he is not an arsehole.

zzzzz · 04/10/2017 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PsychedelicSheep · 04/10/2017 20:54

If he had ASD he would have had it when you met and before you married him too. When did this behaviour start? If after commitment then more likely to be abuse than a neurodevelopmental difference.

isadoradancing123 · 04/10/2017 21:17

Surely the op could mean that by saying there is something wrong, she may just mean that his personality seems to have changed and that the relationship feels as if there is "something" wrong?

LauraMipsum · 04/10/2017 21:50

I have ASD and so far I have managed not to be abusive to my partner. The one does not lead inexorably to the other.

If you think the "not right" could be explained (not excused) by ASD and you want to maintain the relationship then he would need to be on board and willing to look at strategies to manage the triggers for meltdowns etc. That would involve him accepting that he has ASD and accepting that he needs to do some work on how he interacts with people.

It's also possible that he does not have ASD and is just a dick. Statistically that is more likely.