I think my DP may have Aspergers

[Blackkitten]

I think my DP may have Aspergers. What should be basic discussion descends in to terrible arguments and he gets into terrible rages this anger that can last days, he is constantly falling out with people and just can not see anyone else's perspective. He is socially awkward and will spoil things by appearing rude and disninterested, He says he loves me but can be as cold as ice and almost acts like he hates me when he deems I have done something wrong.. I was beginning to think that it was me but now coming to this conclusion, a couple of my close friends have suggested there is something wrong. I am at a loss and would love some examples on how to understand all this.

Him originally being all nice and then turning nasty is how pretty much all abusive relationships start. Read some other threads on here. They lure you in with niceness and then turn. Most abusive men do not have ASD.
As someone said the lack of empathy/emotions thing in ASD is completely false. They do feel emotions, they just have difficulty recognising them and dealing with them, in themselves and others.

To me it sounds nothing at all like aspergers and everything like an abusive relationship.

Mind you my EA ex convinced me that I had aspergers because I like to know where I stand and what the plans are from one day to the next!

I am so sick of hearing people talk about horrible behaviour and conclude that the person must have Aspergers. You know nothing about autism.

Autism is first and foremost a communication disorder.

It is likely that a he's abusive and you maybe looking for a fix to the situation.The reality is he is who he is.He could change but he has to seek help and not have it thrust upon him.
My abusive ex went for counselling but it made it worse as without insight and willingness to take responsibility he just blamed me.
Do you have children with him? It takes a while to understand and accept you are in an abusive relationship.A different answer might feel preferable but ultimately you have to face reality.

Being nice and then nasty, I agree, not AS. Being a focus of special interest and then it dropping away, a common pattern of behaviour ( cf Aston et al).

Haven't RTFT but I have Aspergers myself, and wouldn't dream of intentionally hurting anyone/freezing them out, etc. I'm far more likely to turn my upset inwards.

That's it Orlando.

My DH of 25 years was so attentive when we started courting. Then I was 'acquired, learned' and he moved on (or back to trains). He isn't abusive, but can seem cold and uncaring. The truth is that he can sit next to me while I cry and not notice. When he does notice, he can freeze and be unsure what to do if the situation conflicts with another situation he is dealing with. So if I tell him, and we are sat together on the sofa, I get love and support. If I tell him and he is emptying the dishwasher, then the dishwasher might be finished first.

If I described his behaviour from the point of view of someone who doesn't understand ASD, he would sound abusive.

He is an excellent person to go car shopping with! Holding information in his head and comparing features and weighing up pros and cons is his strength. He's also been loyal and hardworking and sensible for 25yrs. Sensitive, no. Sensible yes.

I know, I went round the houses thinking it must be Asperger’s with xH. But he seems to have gone so far beyond the pale that lack of theory of mind seems kind. Self-centred narcissist more likely covers it.

The thing is, I suggested Asperger’s to him, and he would not hear of it. Everything was really my fault (still is). Surely someone who cared would at least check out the possibility.

That is only my experience, but I guess the litmus test would be if your DP is willing to countenance some ASD testing and professional help, rather than you trying to fix things.

I never said he has AS just thought it might be possibility that all. I am very confused right now For the last time I am not ignorant or know nothing about autism I have several close family members with this. pickle re the crying thing that rang a bell

Well if you were not ignorant about it you would not be suggesting that abusive behaviour and anger are part of the diagnostic criteria for ASD.

Someone was taking crap about ASD on another thread just the other day. It's damaging for those of us that have the condition.

lotte why are you so angry this is not a personal attack on you. Several people have PM who have partners who have AP and all say anger does play a big part, When you are on the receiving end of this it is horrible and I would suggest that people with AP vary from individual to individual. Oh so it is ok to call it a condition now, I was slated for saying that back a few pages ago. Good grief

Blackkitten, why is it so hard for you to understand that equating abusive behaviour and ASD is both hurtful and damaging for those who are autistic?

He is plain old abusive. That's it.
I knew he would be as soon as I read the thread title.
I have experience of both abusive wankers and AS, and I can tell you now he does not have AS.

I agree with PP's, you are searching for something you can "fix" about him, but you can't fix abusive arseholes.

And it is fucking insulting to try and excuse shitty abusive behaviour by conflating it with AS.
All the people I know with AS would never behave like this in a relationship. Certainly never being in "rages for days" like in your op.

Please just ditch him and do the freedom programme, you need to raise your bar of what is acceptable in a relationship.

Blackkitten, why is it so hard for you to understand that equating abusive behaviour and ASD is both hurtful and damaging for those who are autistic?'

Exactly. You are being obtuse blackkitten. And people with ASD get told they they lack empathy - the irony. And FYI people with autism usually get angry at situations, not people and tend to take the anger out on themselves not other people.

For those who don't know, a diagnosis of ASC is made on the basis of deficits in the following areas;

Social communication
Social interaction
Social imagination

It is not made on the basis of angry outbursts.

Psychopaths have abnormal rages, so do narcissists. They also do genuinely lack empathy. Anger is not something which I usually part of a diagnostic criteria for any anything. Why would you jump to the conclusion that your husband has ASD instead of, say a personality disorder like those listed above?

LTB - you shouldn't have to put up with behaviour like this, regardless of whether or not he is mentally ill

The OP hasn't suggested her partner might be mentally ill.

The OP hasn't said he is abusive. She has said they have terrible arguments and he gets into rages. Don't you think that before diagnosis, meltdowns can be mistaken for rages?

Don't you think that a lot of people with ASD can appear unreasonably argumentative, because the communication styles more familiar to an NT person are not understood?

It really annoys me that people refuse to recognise that SOME people who probably have ASD, especially those who were not diagnosed as children, can be difficult to live with if their family do not understand ASD.

I'm writing from the perspective of an NT spouse, of course I was equally difficult for him to live with as I did not conform to his expectations either! However, I'm the one that has read up on ASD and found ways of arranging things that suit us both better. I sometimes need to point out to him that he may be getting grumpy because of changes in routine, rather than us all being unreasonable in some way.

Do none of the ASD people on here need support like that from their partners?

It's not about ASD people being difficult to live with- and needing support- it's about abusive behaviour being called out as such.

There is no benefit in any relationship where the 'understanding' is all on one side. What also saddens me is how many men do you see worried about their relationship with a woman with ASD, and asking for ways to deal with it? About NONE.

No woman should put up with an abusive situation- whatever the diagnosis. And I am saying this as a feminist and someone with ASD.

Pickle- the husband was apparently generous and kind at the start of the relationship. If he had ASD, she’d have witnessed a meltdown before he became the raging guy he is these days.

Eyes He still can be generous and kind. He has had several meltdowns throughout but have become more frequent

Jessica, there are some men on DT, not many but some. We are all learning from each other how to improve our understanding. At a small seminar MN ran there was a man. But partly the understanding of how it can present in women is developing. I now recognise ASD traits in me too.

It's hard both sides, pickle, I agree.

@JessicaEccles I liked your post.

I have a lot of compassion for people on the autism spectrum, but zero tolerance for abusive behavior from anyone regardless of any diagnosis.

Some things just aren't OK. We can draw that line.

Meltdowns are a response to being overwhelmed by sensory input or emotional stress.

I see you are now using the 'language of autism' now, OP, instead of the language of anger and abuse.

If these have increased recently, there must be triggers. If it genuinely is an ASC, then you will probably have been aware of these.

My boyfriend had a meltdown last week. It was a doozy. He wasn't angry at me, although I, in part, triggered it. It wasn't just me, it was a combination and a culmination of things. Unfortunately, I could sense it coming but, on that occasion, he ignored the signs. He cried and got angry with himself. I can't get through to him when he's like that, he just isn't capable of listening, or being reasoned with.

But it is not a 'rage' and it isn't directed at me, even when I triggered it.

'Don't you think that a lot of people with ASD can appear unreasonably argumentative,'

No not really. At least, nobody has ever said I appear unreasonably argumentative. They have said that I seem detached and aloof in social situations.