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Original poster

I think my DP may have Aspergers

129 replies

Blackkitten · 04/10/2017 13:09

I think my DP may have Aspergers. What should be basic discussion descends in to terrible arguments and he gets into terrible rages this anger that can last days, he is constantly falling out with people and just can not see anyone else's perspective. He is socially awkward and will spoil things by appearing rude and disninterested, He says he loves me but can be as cold as ice and almost acts like he hates me when he deems I have done something wrong.. I was beginning to think that it was me but now coming to this conclusion, a couple of my close friends have suggested there is something wrong. I am at a loss and would love some examples on how to understand all this.

OP posts:
Gilead · 05/10/2017 13:32

Blackkitten, a number of us have told us that we have an Autistic Spectrum Condition. You have told us in return that we sound demented and you have clearly associated ASC with there's something wrong, a number of us pointed out that this was an unfair parallel to draw and you lost your temper with us.
Again, I understand that you're having a hard time, but having an ASC does not make someone abusive. Contact your local WA and get out. And then maybe you can work on apologising to us because telling me I'm reading something into what you said is not an apology, apart from which, I'm not the only person that did so, am I.

Original poster
Blackkitten · 05/10/2017 14:07

Coyote sorry I don't know what you mean

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 05/10/2017 14:21

I think Coyote means you cannot ‘fix’ somebody if a. They don’t think they have a condition anyway b. He may ‘just’ be a prick and how will you know? C if he refuses to engage you are sort of stuck aren’t you?

And I second the ‘he isn’t a homework project’.

Original poster
Blackkitten · 05/10/2017 14:27

Well what sort of partner would I be is I left him because of a condition without trying to help, I agree he needs to accept that there is a problem and accept help. Thanks to some posters who have had similar experiences , have pointed me to some very useful websites so thank you to you who have offered support and personal messages

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 05/10/2017 14:39

But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. What about counselling? I am not sure trying to label him with aspergers from the get go will help him. It might be better if he talks to doctor, ask for mental health referral and see what they pick up.

JessicaEccles · 05/10/2017 14:41

I left him because of a condition without trying to help

he's not a stray dog. His 'condition'- as you so charmingly put it- is HIM. There is no way you can 'pick out' the ASD and have the rest of him for the relationship.

Anyway for him- there isn't a problem. YOU have the problem with his behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2017 14:51

If you really do want to help him you would help your own self instead by not trying to self determine why he acts like this and walk away from this relationship altogether. You cannot indeed help someone who does not want to be helped. I also doubt this individual would want to attend any counselling sessions.

CatsOclock · 05/10/2017 14:56

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Blackkitten · 05/10/2017 14:57

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wannabestressfree · 05/10/2017 15:02

I think it’s been well established most people commenting have a link or aspergers themselves. Tbf post does not really elicit empathy either in the way it is phrased!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2017 15:03

What do you mean that some posters here have shown a lack of empathy?. On what basis do you make such a frankly goady comment at all.

zzzzz · 05/10/2017 15:05

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zzzzz · 05/10/2017 15:11

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picklemepopcorn · 05/10/2017 15:23

I don't think you'll learn anymore here, kitten. I'd stick to those other websites.

There are some of us married to people who, when we look at them with an understanding of ASD, become much easier to relate to. It didn't happen overnight. It's a process of understanding and rubbing each other's corners off. There needs to be give on both sides, though I find that I have more flexibility and therefore 'give' more! The idea on here that people who have ASD experience no relationship problems of this kind unless they are simply nasty people is somewhat surprising.

Disagreeing with and then reaching accommodation with someone with ASD is an interesting business.

Original poster
Blackkitten · 05/10/2017 15:27

Thank you pickle I have had some great support from people like you who have 1st hand experience and given useful info. Sadly some people are just being petty and rude guess they can't help it. I will not stoop to name calling

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 05/10/2017 15:50

I’m an Aspie adult reading this and thought that some people need to be learn that autistic meltdown is NOT the same as a tantrum.

OP - I understand why a label would make you feel better but realistically there is no practical help for adults with Aspergers so even if he was diagnosed, nothing would change for him. There is a real danger that if he was diagnosed then he will use his Aspergers as an excuse to rage and you will use it to forgive him more easily than if he was NT.

People with Aspergers can be loyal, good partners and friends. They may need those partners and friends to be patient and explain “the obvious” (like the lady with the fake tan) but they can be empathetic and loyal. I know that lack of empathy is considered a trait but in my experience of people with Aspergers, they are full of emotions like fear and anxiety that the only way to cope with real life is to do the logical thing which to a NT person will seem cold and lacking emotion. In my experience, people with Aspergers are mortified when they hurt people. They worry about having meltdowns and the effects on their partners/kids. Unless you’ve updated with this information, it makes me wonder if he’s abusive rather than having ASD.

I think my DP may have Aspergers
CoyoteCafe · 05/10/2017 15:57

Well what sort of partner would I be is I left him because of a condition without trying to help,

In what way is he your "partner"? He doesn't sound capable of being a partner to anyone.

Have you told him that the way he treats you is unacceptable? Then you've tried to help.

You seem to think that the way he treats you is someone OK if there is a good reason for it, but it doesn't matter what the cause of the behavior is. It doesn't matter if it is due to autism or a traumatic brain injury or a personality disorder or just being an arse. The way he treats you is unacceptable.

Think about the Serenity Prayer:

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the different.

Original poster
Blackkitten · 05/10/2017 16:05

eyeb Thanks you for post. Not sure a label would make me feel better but better to understand if that makes sense. He can be lovely and kind and generous and was fantastic in the early days, But he seems to have changed.. coyote yes I have told him of course, this is all very new

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackkitten · 05/10/2017 16:09

eyeb Thanks you for post. Not sure a label would make me feel better but better to understand if that makes sense. He can be lovely and kind and generous and was fantastic in the early days, But he seems to have changed.. coyote yes I have told him of course, this is all very new

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 05/10/2017 16:20

“Well what sort of partner would I be is I left him because of a condition without trying to help,”

You can’t help someone who doesn’t see a problem. It’s also ok to have needs that you need met in your relationship. People should rightly demand that they are not raged at by their partner. (Frequent arguments are a legitimate reason to leave as both people deserve to be happy)

CoyoteCafe · 05/10/2017 16:41

Not sure a label would make me feel better but better to understand if that makes sense

In my former career, I was part of the team that evaluated children and ultimately decided if they met the criteria of having a special need that required specialized education. The team included several professionals from different areas, a wide range of assessments, observations, consulting with parents and teachers, and then the team discussing all of that information, and HOPEFULLY coming to an agreement. (I've seen experts disagree.)

You really cannot diagnosis some one by reading the internet. No one can.

I have a lot of compassion for people who are different, which is why I worked with kids with challenges. I care deeply about them and want to see them have the best opportunities possible so that they can achieve their personal best.

However, an intimate relationship is different. You have to accept the person as they are, clearly state any thing you want them to change, and then they have a choice to change or not. Trying to go beyond that to manipulate them into being what you think they should be, or what you need them to be, is not loving. It isn't healthy for you or them.

I hope this helps.

Seeingadistance · 05/10/2017 16:45

He can be lovely and kind and generous and was fantastic in the early days, But he seems to have changed.

This describes an abusive man, whose charming and lovely facade is dropped once the relationship is established.

This change of behaviour does not fit with a diagnosis of Asperger's.

Seriously, OP. The majority of people on this thread who are either diagnosed autistic themselves or are close to someone who is (in my case, my son) are telling you that this man sounds much more like an abusive arsehole than someone with Asperger's.

Either way, you can't change him.

Schmoopy · 05/10/2017 16:47

Actually, the 'lack of empathy' trope is false.

It's not so much that people with Aspergers don't feel empathy, but quite often that we don't respond in the way that NTs demand. Or know how to respond.

It's also the case that the feelings of empathy can be overwhelming and unmanageable.

And, in my case, sometimes I have an overly empathic response to a situation that is physically painful.

If you found out a bit more about it, then maybe you wouldn't resort to applying lazy stereotypes.

Schmoopy · 05/10/2017 16:57

And yes, the behaviours would always have been present if he were autistic.

Autism has many, many positive, bonkers, wonderful, crazy aspects. There are aspects of it that are infuriating, but there is so much of it that is like a breath of fresh air.

You haven't talked about any of his positive 'autistic' traits. Only nasty behaviours thst you are attributing to autism.

You said right at the beginning of the thread that you were surprised at some of the responses, yet most of the responses you received were positive evaluations of people with ASCs.

Is that what surprised you?

OrlandaFuriosa · 05/10/2017 17:33

Op and any other partners of AS people

I'm involved in DIfferent Together and we try to make it as supportive as possible, it's there to help the NT partner in AS/NT relationships. You need to register but once in there's masses of advice and help.

One of the things I think is helpful is to distinguish between AS and ArSe because as so many people have said, the two are not the same. At all. It takes some thinking through because things that could seem logical or natural to one side might seem demanding or uncaring to the other, purely because of the way the processing functions differ. There needs to be no blame either side for the differing processing functions but instead understanding: it's hard. Also both partners need to work at the relationship, as in any relationship. But there is no excuse for bad behaviour from NT nor AS.

AS has helped my partner develop all sorts of talents for which I revere him. It's also made my heart sore and it's made his life much harder than had he been NT: I could weep for him. But he is what he is, and that's special. Equally I hope I'm special to him.

If anyone wants to PM me, feel free to do so.