I think my DP may have Aspergers

[Blackkitten]

I think my DP may have Aspergers. What should be basic discussion descends in to terrible arguments and he gets into terrible rages this anger that can last days, he is constantly falling out with people and just can not see anyone else's perspective. He is socially awkward and will spoil things by appearing rude and disninterested, He says he loves me but can be as cold as ice and almost acts like he hates me when he deems I have done something wrong.. I was beginning to think that it was me but now coming to this conclusion, a couple of my close friends have suggested there is something wrong. I am at a loss and would love some examples on how to understand all this.

No I think he's just an arsehole OP.

What you describe is not typical ASD but it is typical abusive arsehole. It's true that some ASD types can have meltdowns and get frustrated, but that's very different from what you describe.

My father's ASD spectrum, he's not angry or abusive at all. He never acts like he hates anyone.

I think you should be reading 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft.

I'm sorry - nothing you have written sounds like he has Aspergers to me. It just doesn't. Have you googled the diagnostic criteria for ASD (try DSM-IV) - if he meets those criteria then come back and tell us

Otherwise he's just an arsehole.

Ps. I used to work in a specialist ASD metal health team.

This.

Blackkitten I have PM'd you.

I really wish people wouldn't keep pulling apart the OP, who clearly has enough to deal with already, hence her need to post! The fact is, it's that sense of 'something's not right' which leads people to investigate and seek help in these situations. It's still the case that many people haven't even heard of aspergers and not everyone is diagnosed young. It often falls to people like the OP, who are left trying to try find their way through whatever is going on, using their own senses. It's not disablist to think "something's not right" in the given context - it's normal! More specific language comes later, when you know more about what's going on.

Good morning, I am a bit shocked at the posts on here. Really comments like "go fuck yourself" charming. I started this post as I love my partner and wanted to try and get advise as to how I can make this better. Something is not right with him

My DP has Asperger's. Undiagnosed, but he is definitely on the spectrum. He first raised it as a bit of a joke, but it makes a helluva lot of sense. He does have a temper, but it takes huge provocation to raise it. His usual tactic if he's in a bad mood is to retreat into himself and ignore everyone around him, especially me. He can keep it up for a long time. However, when I raised it with him once he said that in all honesty he didn't know he did it, and that I'm to tell him when he does. Now, it's very awkward telling someone to snap out of their bad mood but it really does do the trick. He doesn't take it badly, and he'll come back to being his normal self.

I won't lie, life can be tough with him. Generally, what gets me through the really bad times is telling myself, repeatedly, that it's not him it's the Asperger's. Just reminding myself that he does not intend his behaviour helps me manage my reactions to it. I also got some advice from a wonderful MNer many years ago, herself on the spectrum, who explained some of my DP's behaviour from her point of view. It really helped.

Why are you making his behaviours your problem to potentially make better?. His behaviours are not your responsibility; you are not responsible for his actions as he is not responsible for yours. He was never either also your project to rescue and or save.

I know people with ASD and their rages are anxiety related I think. Personally I’d try couples counselling and Frank discussions to help him modify his behaviour. There is no reason for you to put up with it. Leave if you have to

Going through your OP:

What should be basic discussion descends in to terrible arguments and he gets into terrible rages this anger that can last days
Don't get this with my DP

he is constantly falling out with people and just can not see anyone else's perspective
He doesn't fall out with people constantly, but things are generally other people's fault. The number of times he has threatened to put his notice in because 'something' has happened is unbelievable. There was an incident recently (decision made about part of his colleague's job) which did not effect him directly, and was basically all sorted out by the time he left work, yet he still spent the evening planning his resignation letter. By the next day he decided it the decision that had been made was brilliant! Things like this happen frequently.

And yes, he can't see another's perspective, least of all mine. Any thought different to his is stupid (until it becomes brilliant, see above). He can't comprehend why I might have a different view about things, despite my background being greatly different to his.

He is socially awkward and will spoil things by appearing rude and disninterested
He's fine with his friends, and can be ok with mine if he's in the right mood. But otherwise he'll put the tv on in the same room and ignore my friends. Last time I had people round (one afternoon) he sat in his pjs drinking beer, and ended up being really rude about me.

He says he loves me but can be as cold as ice and almost acts like he hates me when he deems I have done something wrong
DP would never say he loves me. Sometimes I'm not sure he likes me, but that's just how he comes across. He can look at you really disparagingly but, like the ignoring, he doesn't know he's doing it. He has no idea, a lot of the time, how he comes across.

Something is not right with him
You cannot write that he has an ASC, then write the above.
You wonder why folk are telling you to go fuck yourself? Well, because of the above. How do you think it makes me feel when you tell me something isn't right with me because I have an ASC?

How would you feel if I told you that you're not as good as me because you're neurotypical? Not pleasant, is it?
As for looking for advice, plenty of people on the thread have given some good advice, despite your attitude toward us.
Please go away and think about the hurtful things you've said to quite a few of us on here.
If you think your dh does have an ASC discuss it with him and get a diagnosis.

No it was not zzz I came here to get help with with my DP, do not need to put up with crap and insults.

You already have put up with way too much from this man you are with for whatever reasons.

Why have you appointed yourself as the one to help/save/rescue him?. If you really do want to help him you would help your own self instead by not trying to self determine why he acts like this and walk away from this relationship altogether.

I love my partner and wanted to try and get advise as to how I can make this better. Something is not right with him

You cannot help someone else get better when they don't think there is anything wrong with them. It won't work, and it will come across as controlling.

Just because you feel love for some one, it doesn't mean that they are good for your life, some one you should try to build a life, would make a good parent or anything else.

Drop him, and then work on yourself. Start with why you would consider settling for so little, from some one who appears incapable of caring how you feel?

I had a boyfriend like this. He didn't seem to have an emotional attachment to anything or anyone.

He wasn't interested in anyone's opinion on anything and had really strange ideas like everyone in the country, no matter what job they had should be paid exactly the same. So a cleaner would earn the same as a surgeon for instance. He had an obsession with fairness meaning if we went shopping, he would insist that we both carried the exact same number of bags and if mine were lighter, he would swap things around to make them the same.

I knew something was up when I spoke to him about getting a vasectomy and he replied

"But I'm worried about doing that because if anything happened to my DD I would want to replace her".

He made me feel utterly worthless. Finished with him and never looked back. Aspergers or not, life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel shit.

Gilead you do realise you are sounding demented, what a ridiculous post
So it's ridiculous to point out that you are being hurtful toward those of us with an ASC.
I'm part of a diagnostic team. I really do know quite a bit about ASCs. I am divorced from a controlling man who also happened to have an ASC, his abuse had nothing to do with his ASC, I therefore do have an inkling of what I'm on about. You are being unnecessarily rude. People have given you advice. I am genuinely sorry you're having a rough time of it, I've been there, but it doesn't give you the right to take it out an a really quite large section of society. I think there are people on here who deserve an apology from you. Having said that, I'm finding it interesting/curious how entrenched you are in your position...

do not need to put up with crap and insults

Neither do the disabled people you continue to insult, belittle and demean,, despite many people NICELY asking you not to speak about people with disabilities like that.

I've reported your post to MNHQ as it is disablist.

I think it’s safe to say that the OP is rather ignorant and I think it’s rather fashionable at the moment to look to blame having an arse of a partner on asd, odd, add etc. I see it at school.... no one is responsible for their own actions. There is always a problem.

Gilead I think you are reading something into what I said, I most certainly not taking anything out on anyone. If I said something like I am leaving him because he is a "nutter" I could understand you opinion. I am trying to understand and would like to help if I could. I am judging no one. And yes I am having an horrendous time, he has taken things to new level

wanna not at all. He is being terrible and couple l people have commented that his actions could well be associated with Aspergers, have been doing a lot of reading and learning. Of course he might just be total prick

And you are staying because.........

have been doing a lot of reading and learning.

Why? he is supposed to be an equal partner, not a homework project

If his behaviour is down to ASD, a) he is not going to change and b) there is still no reason to put up with it. If he is 'just' an abusive twat- the same applies.