He wants to see my bank accounts.

[sewingandcoffee]

Been with my OH for 8 yrs. always had separate bank accounts and now I am a SAHM. I rely on house keeping from him and my minimal tax credits. He pays all bill. I pay for my car and all day to day expenses for 4 children. (He's away during week) in about to make a large purchase for our daughter. He wants to see what in my bank account as in transactions before he transfers over money to pay the bill. I feel this is unnecessary as I have already told him the amount I need to top up what I already have.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I just show him. I feel it is humiliating as I know he will be judgey about what I spend my money on.

Yanbu, he's being worryingly controlling. If the purchase is for your child, that's all he needs to know.

you're definitely not being unreasonable. It's like he wants to "check up" on you first....and no doubt he will trot out the line "but if you've got nothing to hide, what's your problem?" thus making it look like your problem.

It's the principle - and the problem is his, and yes I would see it as controlling and patronising

You said he would be judgey about what you spend the money on - but surely if it is a lot of money and a big purchase you would discuss it together anyway.

You say you have always had two accounts. Have there been problems before? How long have you been not earning?

Maybe he is a bit worried about money. Perhaps you should sit down together and go through a few budgets, If he thinks that what he puts in should cover ABC and it doesn't then you both need to discuss this. He may need to up the amount he gives you and / or you might need to cut the spending. Or maybe not - but unless you talk about it, (and that would include looking through bank statements from both of you) then you won't know where you are.

No, do not show him your bank statements under any circumstances.

What you describe here is really his financial abuse of you; he controls your access to funds and gives you an allowance. As he is not giving you enough money you have to ask him for more and its demeaning to you as a person. Abuse like this is truly insidious in its onset and not readily recognised.

You describe him as your OH so I guess you are not married to him. That may have been a deliberate decision on his part. It leaves you very vulnerable in the event of separation because what is his is his and what is yours is yours. What is the situation re the property you reside in?.

I would consider talking to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances. My guess too is that he is abusive to you in other ways as well; what is he like with you generally speaking?.

First, why does he have to transfer money to buy something for your daughter? Secondly, tell him to shove it. He's being a controlling asshole.

How much are we talking about? $50 for a coat or $5000 for a car??

Well it's unreasonable from the get go, just on the basic principles of trust and your right to privacy. What I don't understand is what does he think he might find? You have no independent income from what you've said so what does he think he might not be aware of? He's not actually wanting to check the minutiae of what you spend the housekeeping on i he?

I think since you're a SAHM you should have full access to joint finances which would mean you could see his, and yes, he could see yours.

Will you be reviewing his accounts at the same time?

I would only agree to this on condition of 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours'. Disclosure has to cut both ways.

An obvious alternative, however, is for him to pay for this large item directly. I would ask him what message he wants to send you about trust and respect in your relationship, however.

Does he let you see his?

Say "Good idea - you show me yours first."

Yup you have to be able to see how he manages his part of your joint money if he wants to see yours

I would end this relationship.
You know you are very vulnerable position already, don't you?

He sounds controlling. You should both have access to this information from eachother. So if he wants to see yours, you should see his.

Do you see the other accounts, ie in his name?

Only if you see his.

There's so much you haven't said here, it's hard to know. I see my husband's bank statements, he sees mine. I usually check our credit card statements & highlight any queries.

Your partner sounds very unreasonable to me. Presumably you both agree that this is something your daughter should have, and he is aware of the cost of it - if it's an exceptional cost that's above and beyond what your usual 'housekeeping' (hate that word, but anyway) budget is supposed to cover, then obviously it's a no-brainer that you won't have that money sitting there and he'll need to transfer extra for you. Why doesn't he trust you?

I definitely think he's being unreasonable and controlling over this, unless there's something that you're not telling us that would give him good reason to be worried (eg if you have a gambling addiction or a compulsive shopping habit and are sending the family spiralling into debt as a result) but from what you've said that seems unlikely.

Does he pay you for providing childcare so he can work? Or do you pay for the day to day expenses from money you saved beforehand?

Tell him he can see it, if you can see his. Seems fair.

Unless he has been financially exploited in a previous relationship, I think this behaviour is a red flag.

(And the one case of financial exploitation by a wife I know of, there were no children AND the wife had significant sources of income, so not like your situation at all.)

There is not enough info to advise. Some /most are assuming that you are reasonable and that the purchase is reasonable and that the OH is controlling.

It might be that he puts £5k a month into an account and expects it to cover all that you need. Maybe then he is not being unreasonable to ask why you need an extra £3k ??

Or maybe he doles out pennies and questions every purchase and your asking for £40 for school shoes has sent him into Scrooge mode. We don't know.

It isn't just the amounts - it is what you agreed when you set up the arrangement. Presumably you know what he earns and what he has in his account after paying the bills etc. If you don't then that is not a good sign.

Talk about it. And if you need a bit more advice from MN a little more info would help

He gives you pocket money?

It wouldn't bother me to show him my bank account, but if you haven't done so previously i'd be curious as to why he wanted to know about your finances now. Maybe he is strapped for cash and is having trouble supporting you and 4 children?

I don't think it would be unreasonable if he also shows you his.

As there is only one income why not have all accounts as joint accounts?

Are you married?