He wants to see my bank accounts.

[sewingandcoffee]

Been with my OH for 8 yrs. always had separate bank accounts and now I am a SAHM. I rely on house keeping from him and my minimal tax credits. He pays all bill. I pay for my car and all day to day expenses for 4 children. (He's away during week) in about to make a large purchase for our daughter. He wants to see what in my bank account as in transactions before he transfers over money to pay the bill. I feel this is unnecessary as I have already told him the amount I need to top up what I already have.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I just show him. I feel it is humiliating as I know he will be judgey about what I spend my money on.

Well, I guess there is more expectation of separate finances (and financial privacy) if one isn't married. At least, I know I would never co-mingle finances with someone I wasn't married to and DH and I never got down to the nitty gritty of our earnings/debt until we were formally engaged. DH and I maintained separate finances until after we were married. But hey, I'm 'old' (-ish) and we've now been married 30 + years. I expect things may be different now.

But you have children together and IMO that makes a difference. There are 'ties' in that and as a mutually agreed upon SAHM I think that gives you more of a right to know about his finances than someone like me who would have been financially self supporting.

You are in a position of having no rights to spousal maintenance and no rights to the family home if he should decide to leave. I think that's a precarious position to be in.

How do you get tax credits if you have no idea what he earns?

I'm a mostly SAHM (still work odd days) and I have complete access to DH's accounts. I transfer a set amount each month which covers mortgage, bills, food and stuff for the DC and me, some stuff for him too. If I need more (e.g I'm buying something big or paying for a party or working the house) I just discuss it with DH and then transfer over the rest of the money we need. We can both look at each other's spending at any time but very rarely do. Unless one of us was a gambler or spending loads more than we could afford to I'd be at him asking me to justify everything I spent. Even though he's the economically productive one, I contribute too (as do you) It's not fair for the SAHP to feel financially inferior, it's supposed to be an equal partnership, not like asking your parents for extra pocket money.

*work on the house, not working the house

Weird behaviour on his part - why are there so many controlling men on MM?

Oh.... that's quite bad... I would show him and see what he says. Then you know why he wanted to see it.
I can understand kind of as it's not his daughter so probably wants to be sure ex paid his way.
My OH doesn't have a bank account and uses mine for his wages. I'm a SAHM and ger all the money. Unless he gets cash every now and again- he usually keeps it but always asks when I'm going somewhere if I need money.
He doesn't ask what I spend on things as he knows I'm a lot better with money than he is.
He asks me for his(our) money
We've been like this since day 1.
So to me it's weird you don't know what's coming in and going out plus he wants to know what's in your bank account???? Very weird. I'd ask him why he wants to see it.
Also my granny always told me a woman must always have a bit of secret money put away in case of a rainy day. 😉

I would be very uneasy about my partner wanting to scrutinise my current account before he'll deign to transfer funds.

Who made him the boss of you.

Why isn't your word good enough.

If you don't have access to his statements, then he's being a cock

Does OH submit the tax credits application in your name then? If not & you are estimating his salary, I would be wary that you may end up having to pay money back.

I'm currently a SAHM (going back to work soon) and know that if I said I needed x amount DH would trust me that I needed x amount. He wouldn't need to see my bank account to check.

If I'm honest, I would be insulted by him asking.

Has there been an issue with your DD's father and money prior to this - ie does he have form for wriggling out of his share or being late with maintenance?
Also, is the [whatever] something that DD's father has suggested - or insisted - and costing more than you might have been prepared to spend on other DC?

Why don't you have some kind of joint finances? And how can you not know what he earns if you claim tax credits?

No! What, is he your boss?! So what, he's going to check your statements so as to determine how worthy enough of the transfer of money, you are? He's treating you like a child. What is the matter with these kind of people?! Please don't show him.

I think I'd be pissed off if DH needed to check my bank account before deciding if he'd pay for something. Either you're a unit or you're not. Either you're equal or you're not. And if you're not, you need to change things. How you change them is up to you, but an imbalance that leaves a partner feeling humiliated needs shifting.

You are in a very vulnerable position as a sahm who is not married to your dp.

For God's sake! He's treating you like a child!

He is very loving and we do not go with out. I choose to be a SAHM. I gave up a good career.

I'll be very blunt. You should marry him or get back to your career.

No matter how loving he is now.

This doesn' sound good. You are out of work and losing your work skills looking after the child who is from both of you. And yet you are having to ask him for money to do this job.
I's not a good situation. Why does HE get ALL the disposable income from working?

I've never not known how much a partner earns. Once I'm in a committed relationship its financial transparency all the way. No commingling of accounts but always 50 / 50 on bills and a full knowledge of savings and spending on both sides.

So onto the serious stuff OP. You're not married, you live in a house in his name, you don't know his financial status, you have no joint accounts and he gives you housekeeping but not enough so that you have to ask for money sometimes. Does he take the view that as you decided to be a SAHM it's your problem and you should be grateful he puts a roof over your head?

Some food for thought: does he have a private pension? Do you know what pension planning is in place for you? Is he using your ISA allowance for savings / investments in your name? Do you have wills? What happens to the house if he's run over and dies tomorrow? You seem to have a very precarious financial future based on what you've said so far. You really need to get this sorted.

I know it's none of my business, but have you ever broached the subject of marriage? Right now you have zero security should he decide to walk. Marriage is no guarantee that someone won't leave, but at least you have some legal protection.

House = his
Bank accounts = his
Assets = his
Life insurance = ?????

What do you have? Seems pretty out of balance to me.

I'm not pissing on SAHMs here. I think it's wonderful if a couple can afford one of them to stay home. My sister has never had a paying job in her life, but her DH always has her name on everything, accounts are always joint, and he has very generous life insurance. AND if he had left her she had the legal protection as his wife to be entitled to a hefty amount of those assets.

You gave up a good career (pause for but I guess that's just my opinion) and he earns "much more" than you ever would have in your good career... so how come you get tax credits?! And as others have said - how do you do the application not knowing his income?

Of course you feel humiliated, because it's humiliating being treated like a child.

Is part of his issue, that this is something for your child, not one of his?

Did he send you the screen shots OP?

I agree with other posters. Go back to work or get married. If you split up you'll be in a very vulnerable position.

As this thread progresses I realise how naive I have been.
He fills in all tax credit forms etc. I get very little in terms of tax Credits.
My pension is frozen since I'm not working at the moment.
When I asked him why he wanted to see my accounts he said it was because he wanted to see how much extra I needed. But I'd already showed him the screen shot of the balance of my acc.
Rather tellingly he did not send me the screen shots of his accounts last night and I was busy sorting kids out so couldn't chase him. I will today though.
What advice could you give me to make my position more secure. I'm not able to go back to work at the minute.

You can ask him if he thinks he's treating you like a true partner and mother to his children.
If he thinks you're well protected should he die or a split.
That will tell you what's he's about.

You shouldn't have to make your position stronger. He should want it too.

Why can't you get back to work?

newbed

I presume you have name changed.

I do not think he will screen shot his accounts. He has over the years managed to well and truly fit you up like a kipper so that you are in the position you are now in. He took advantage of your own trust in him, did he ever say anything like he "would see that you are alright?".

Everything apart from the car is in his name and being unmarried as well puts you in an extremely vulnerable position legally speaking.

The power and control balance in this relationship is well and truly in his favour and he is not going to relinquish any of that to you; he regards what he has as "his" and his alone and does not want to share more than he absolutely has to. That is also why I think he will never marry you either.

Ultimately you are going to have to leave him with your two children. He does not and will never see you as an equal in this relationship, he is the boss and you are expected to tow the line.