He wants to see my bank accounts.

[sewingandcoffee]

Been with my OH for 8 yrs. always had separate bank accounts and now I am a SAHM. I rely on house keeping from him and my minimal tax credits. He pays all bill. I pay for my car and all day to day expenses for 4 children. (He's away during week) in about to make a large purchase for our daughter. He wants to see what in my bank account as in transactions before he transfers over money to pay the bill. I feel this is unnecessary as I have already told him the amount I need to top up what I already have.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I just show him. I feel it is humiliating as I know he will be judgey about what I spend my money on.

I am a little confused if you are getting tax credits even a little amount how can you not know what his pay is? You have to fill this in on the forms.

I'm not sure why you can't just get some time to talk and explain that this recent situation has left you feeling humiliated and unsure of where you sit financially in your relationship.
Then see what he suggests. Maybe he is controlling and doesn't want you to have any power. But maybe he is of the mind that men are responsible for caring for their family financially and he is doing what he thinks a "good" man should.
I find it odd you think he earns "more than you could ever earn" yet you say you left a "good career" and still you get tax credits. Having four children myself, I know where the threshold lies for TC and it's not really that much. Yes it's a decent salary, but it's not that high that i would see it as unattainable for me. It's not above the higher tax bracket for instance. So something smells fishy here... and it would be your debt too if you were falsely claiming.
Maybe approaching it as you want to feel equally responsible for the money in the house would be a good way to broach it.
Good luck.

This man completes all the tax credit forms so OP herself has no knowledge. He is likely keeping the vast majority of that money for his own self and giving OP the bare minimum of what he can get away with.

In your particular circumstances Newbed I would also be contacting Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Gosh you're in a very vulnerable position. If you're unmarried and the house in his name you won't be entitled to anything if you split up. I agree with contacting women's aid and asking to speak to someone about financial abuse - it will help you to see things more clearly.

I am a sahm and dh and I pay everything into a joint account - including tax credits and dla and carers allowance (we have a disabled dc). We then transfer equal spending amounts to two different joint accounts - we each use one of these as our own personal spending accounts (so we have three joint accounts). We never look at each other's accounts but they do all come up on the same log in page in online banking just incase we need access to transfer money etc (sometimes we switch money about if we need to, all very transparent). We are married and the house is in both our names. I couldn't be a sahm in different circumstances.

I feel really worried about all this now. I am assuming my idea of a decent wage is obviously lower than many in Mumsnet. As I said before he fills in al the tax paperwork and all I know is we get minimum and that's included in my house keeping.

He is older than me by about 10 years and that's what attracted me to him that he would look after me. I can see now I'm in a shitty position.

When I said I can't go back to work, it's because I have 4 children and no child care during the week. Maybe I should look for something outside my profession which would allow me to work from home.

I think if you're in a relationship and you chose not to have a joint account, then everything else is on trust and there can be no demanding of bank statements or anything like that. My husband and I have never had a joint account, for no reason other than we just never got around to it. We both work, but there are always occasions when one of us needs money from the other. When I was on mat leave, he would send me money as needed. He runs a business that is relatively seasonal, so the summer months are busy and his income is much higher, the winter months are slow and it's considerably lower. There are times in the summer when I need money for a big purchase and he sends it to me. There are times in the winter when money for him is slow coming, so I send him money to keep up with the bills he usually pays for us. But we trust each other and we know if the other asks for money, it's because we genuinely need it and there is no need to prove it with screenshots. In your case, as you have little income of your own, why not have a joint account to save the hassle of him having to send you money and top you up? We have our separate accounts, which works for us because we each have money coming in each month and it's no hassle. But if he's wanting to see what you're spending money on, then I think a joint account where you can both see what the other contributes and spends would solve the problem.

He has well and truly shafted you financially not just to say emotionally throughout your entire relationship. Did he ever say things like, "oh I'll see that you are alright" etc.

To someone like you with a low relationship bar and was someone who simply wanted someone to look after them (that also makes me think that your life with your parents was not ideal either) was manna from heaven. I think he targeted you really and saw that to further exploit.

Ultimately you are going to have to leave him and you will need support from the likes of Womens Aid too in order to do that. It will not be easy but at least you will not be living under his control and overt influence any longer. Such men do not change.

OP - if he is doing all tax credit paperwork in your name but you're signing the paperwork blindly with no clue that what's disclosed in terms of income etc is true then that's really naive. If the numbers are false then that's fraud on your part I'm afraid.

Never sign anything financial prepared by someone else without full back up in front of you so you can verify that the information is correct.

I know a few women who have done this (the attitude is finance is a 'blue job' and it's so romantic and nurturing that he looks after me by doing this for us) and the women have been utterly shafted. Extreme examples but very real and life changing for the women involved.

Tell him that this latest incident has made you think about financial matters and now that the kids are older you want to pull your weight and put things on a more equal footing by thinking about joint accounts, you doing your own tax credit stuff etc. If the thought of his reaction to that conversation scares you then you've got relationship problems. If he goes ballistic then you've got relationship problems.

You should also find out what happens to his house if he keels over. As the mother of his children it's a reasonable and responsible question.

Remember that paying for child care is a joint expense. Child care enables both of you to work.

Well I can report he sent me the password and log in for his on line bank. He also said he has a savings account (I knew about that the statements come in the post) I have said I feel this latest issue has given me food for thought and that so many yrs down the line now we should be looking a joint accounts and looking at the family security. He's coming home tonight to discuss. He wants me to have a think about what I want. He did say he was concerned I was paying more than my share for the kids and that I was letting exh have an easy ride. So he would feel better with joint accounts too.

How would he feel about you also owning at least a fair part of the house?
If income is mentioned, childcare for four children and a cleaner's fee should be your minimum contribution. Not negligible at all.

So, he'd like to have joint accounts so he can monitor restrict what you spend on your children (that aren't his) because he feels that your ex isn't 'paying enough'? Bullshit to that! The arrangements between you and your children's father is really none of his business, so long as you are happy with them. I will say that his decision to 'top up' expenses for your children is completely up to him and I think it's good that he (apparently) doesn't mind helping out in that department. But if he chooses to do so, then he needs to do it with an open heart and good grace. Not to do it and then complain about it or use it as a weapon.

As far as what you want, I'd tell him (in this order) marriage, name on deeds, joint accounts, pro rata payment for childcare (according to income), and a job. And maybe a cleaner.

These are very difficult issues to decide. We always had everything joint with totally open access, neither controlled anything and if something big had to be bought like a car or a holiday we would agree it first (most married couples unless very very wealthy would agree big purchases between themselves first whoever pays) However we were married and both worked full time.

Someone unmarried who earns less than their partner or nothing has nothing like the same rights in England as someone married (one reason I woudl never marry again or move a man in - I want 100% of my money for the children including when I die, not a new boyfriend or partner).

newbed if your other half has sent you the log in details that's a good start. We always had each other's for the joint accounts and I did both our tax returns so we both had total knowledge, opened each other's post, bank statements, P60s etc. Some couples don't want that which is fine too and they want secrecy but then I think it's risky and they need to be protected through things like marriage (or avoiding marriage - best protection for those of us who earn a lot by the way - marriage is not protective if you earn more, quite the opposite), wills etc

Whether you have a joint account or keep your money separate, either way you're in a vulnerable position as an unmarried SAHM.

You need to try your hardest to get back to work. I can't stress this enough. He can pay for childcare.

How did last night's chat go OP?

I don't know. I'm still a little uneasy. There is nothing surprising about the statements. Nothing in them I didn't really know about. He reckons he didn't know I felt in a vulnerable position. Lots of denials about knowing how I felt and was asking what I wanted to happen. Said he was happy to do what I wanted. I'm not unhappy with the day to day things and I do have enough money for every day things. I just need to find out how I can be protected in the future. He suggested getting my name on deeds. He showed me my name on his pension Next of Kin info. I guess we can solidify plans at the weekend.

Well it sounds like he's trying to do the right thing to me. None of us is a mind reminder so it's perfectly reasonable that if he was happy it never occurred to him that you wouldn't be. Putting you on the deeds would be appropriate and, I think, necessary. If he's willing to do that I think that's a great sign.

Why are you uneasy OP? What would you like to happen?

Ok. He apparently didn't know you were unprotected. Lots of people don't realise common law spouses aren't a thing, so it's plausible he was one of them. Fine. The test now is what action he takes, immediately, to ensure you are protected.

Is there a reason it has to wait until the weekend? You could book a solicitors appointment now. You'll need to discuss you owning a share of the property. What about wills, life insurance? For you as well as him. Do you want to marry him? I must say if you weren't marrying I'd be making plans to go back to work, myself.

Yes, let's see what he does.

Senator raises a good point. I've heard it said too many times (and once believed it many moons ago) that "I'm his common law wife" so I'm fine. It counts for nothing. Absolutely nothing. Being the mother of his children does help but not enough really.

What matters between a man and a woman where assets are concerned is a marriage certificate and failing that legally valid joint names on stuff and valid wills.

If you were married your loss of income would count towards asset division.
Not if you're not married. That alone is sobering enough.

He had to go back to work so at the weekend we are going to define exactly what needs to happen then organise it from there on in. That's why we put it off to the weekend. I think our problem is a well that while he's away we mainly communicate via text so rarely speak on phone and lots of things can be taken the wrong way via text. Obviously that's what happened here.

I'm just a little uneasy because I feel really uncomfortable discussing money and I suppose this thread and some soul search makes me wonder am
I entitled to his money.

I think legally you're entitled to support for the children you have with him op, you're not entitled to support for the children that are not his or for yourself as you're not married.

His behaviour is a bit worrying. Maybe tell him that if he doesn't like it you can go back to work and he can pay for a nanny? He doesn't seeem to think that you are making a financial contribution which you are.