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Original poster

He wants to see my bank accounts.

103 replies

sewingandcoffee · 14/08/2017 15:58

Been with my OH for 8 yrs. always had separate bank accounts and now I am a SAHM. I rely on house keeping from him and my minimal tax credits. He pays all bill. I pay for my car and all day to day expenses for 4 children. (He's away during week) in about to make a large purchase for our daughter. He wants to see what in my bank account as in transactions before he transfers over money to pay the bill. I feel this is unnecessary as I have already told him the amount I need to top up what I already have.

Am I being unreasonable. Should I just show him. I feel it is humiliating as I know he will be judgey about what I spend my money on.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 14/08/2017 16:47

he's treating you as a child. but i wouldn't stand for this setup (an allowance)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/08/2017 16:57

No, I wouldn't, he hasn't seen them for the past eight years, so why now ? Ask him to show you his first, then decide !

Jaxhog · 14/08/2017 16:59

A case of you show me yours and I'll show you mine. Then a discussion.

Are you married?

missmollyhadadolly · 14/08/2017 17:00

Do you both get equal spending money after bills/rent/kids day to day expenses are paid?

AndTodayIAm · 14/08/2017 17:02

Hmm, I'm not sure about this one as he could be a controlling nasty shit or he could just be wanting to get a better idea of what both of you are spending your money on.

Are the four kids both yours and his? Do you have other income?

How about having a sit down with him and looking at all your finances together. Look at all your outgoings and all your income, that way perhaps you can work out a better system than asking for 'top-ups'

AndTodayIAm · 14/08/2017 17:03

Sorry the question about the kids seems odd. I was thinking about maintenance from another parent.

StarCrossdSkys · 14/08/2017 17:06

Yes he's controlling.

He wants to be able to tell you that if you hadn't had that coffee out or that trip to soft play he wouldn't need to subsidise this large purchase.

Tell him no. The money he gives you for housekeeping is for day to day spending at your discretion. Larger purchases need to be funded from elsewhere.

It isn't right that he has so much control over the finances in the first place either.

WomblingThree · 14/08/2017 17:13

Oh for god's sake why is it controlling to want to know what happens to the money he earns?

OP, why has it taken you 8 years to have a problem with this?

Lweji · 14/08/2017 17:20

Oh for god's sake why is it controlling to want to know what happens to the money he earns?

Because she's working on the home and taking care of the children.

How about her knowing what happens to the money she isn't earning because she is at home for him?
I'd tell him that he can choose to pay for childcare and a cleaner.

Goldmandra · 14/08/2017 17:21

I ask my DH to show me his bank statement sometimes. He's crap with money and puts his head in the sand about going overdrawn. His finances are my finances too and, if I'm going to be partly responsible for a debt, I want to at least know it exists.

OP, it is quite reasonable for you both to know what is happening to money you are jointly responsible for. That means he has to account to you too and you make joint decisions on how it is all managed and spent.

However, if he is squirrelling away money for himself and expecting you to pay for everything for yourself and the children from an unreasonably small budget then criticising you and demanding justification if you ask for more, that is different.

Financial abuse is part of coercive control so it matters if that is happening to you. If you don't want to put more details on here, can you bounce it off a couple for friends to see how they react?

Lweji · 14/08/2017 17:22

Hmm, I'm not sure about this one as he could be a controlling nasty shit or he could just be wanting to get a better idea of what both of you are spending your money on.

In which case, he'd pull out his bank statements as well.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2017 17:25

Hard to say. Is this the first time he's asked this of you? Has there been a problem with your spending in the past? Is he generally controlling in other ways? Was this large purchase something you should have been budgeting for?

DH and I have always had joint finances and I've always worked at a self-supporting wage. I don't understand the need to hide finances from one another....unless you have something to hide or the spouse is financially abusive (questioning every purchase, etc).

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2017 17:28

BTW, in your case I do believe it should be 'you show me yours and I'll show you mine'. But you also need to know if what he shows you is reasonable based on his salary (i.e. he's not hiding money).

I think it's time the two of you had a detailed financial discussion of your (both of you) income and expenses, including savings and investments, even if you do have separate accounts.

RB68 · 14/08/2017 17:28

I think I would take the approach of saying, oh yeah sure we can have a sit down and share info about finances together. If this purchase is too much for now that's fine it can wait a couple of months till the money is there.

It does however smack of making a point that you don't have any income and he is providing it all and it is his money that funds everything.

There might also be other things behind it if he is struggling to make the payments needed - at the end of the day money is never endless but budgets and finances need to be jointly made. He might be using funds for things you are not aware of and as such there aren't enough funds to cover whats needed. He may also be terrified that you are going into overdraft if there is no money coming in for you. He isn't necessarily going the right way about things.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2017 17:29

Just had a thought....are you married to him?

Original poster
sewingandcoffee · 14/08/2017 18:20

Hi
Sorry was sorting kids.

No we are not married. The house is in his name and he bought me my car although it is in my name. Two of the children are his. I do not or have never had a spending problem. He did this once before when we were only just together and I was struggling on a tighter budget so he wanted to see what I was spending so we could as he put it decide how much more I needed.

He is very loving and we do not go with out. I choose to be a SAHM. I gave up a good career. However I have no idea how much he earns except that it's more than I ever could have much more.

The large spend is for my daughter and I had got together 74% of what I needed. Her father has already paid his half.

I told him I was happy to show mine if he showed his. And he said he would send me screen shots tonight. So I have sent him what he asked for and he sent me what I needed. Now I feel like I should be grateful. It's humiliating. I feel humiliated. 🙁

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/08/2017 18:24

Has he sent you screenshots? If not just ask him to log in with you tonight. And if he wont.... not a good sign at all.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 14/08/2017 18:30

Was he just checking your ExP has in fact transferred half? Is there history there?

Piratesandpants · 14/08/2017 18:41

So did he send screenshots???

Original poster
sewingandcoffee · 14/08/2017 18:49

No screen shots yet. But he works late so won't expect them till after 9. I had already sent him confirmation that ExH had sent his half.

OP posts:
AnnMeredithPerkins · 14/08/2017 18:53

I think it's the ex part that's making him wary...?

AhNowTed · 14/08/2017 19:01

You have NO idea what he earns.. after 8 years it never came up?!

Original poster
sewingandcoffee · 14/08/2017 19:03

Obviously what he earns came up. I know ball park and I know what his bonus are however what his monthly pay is I wouldn't know.

I realise how bad that is now I have written it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sewingandcoffee · 14/08/2017 19:04

I don't think it is the ex thing. I'd sent him a screen shot of that. That's when he asked to see my current account.

OP posts:
horsesforcorses · 14/08/2017 19:05

You don't know how much he earns ShockShock

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