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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you marry him if you can't stand his family?

85 replies

elephantcuddles · 13/05/2017 09:13

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? I can't stand his family. They are trashy for lack of a better word. They are RUDE, inconsiderate, and have put my health at risk (I have a heart condition and they know it and they choose to smoke around me at all times), his mum snaps at him and screams/yells/throws fits at him when he has done nothing wrong even when I'm standing right there. The whole family had a big argument and I was terrified. I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great.

My mother, on the other hand, had a great mother in law who would take her shopping and out to lunch and buy her whatever she wanted and they had a close and caring relationship. I will never get that with these people. NEVER. Not a chance in hell.

I feel sad and depressed and have to be around them for the next few days. It's making me feel miserable and insane.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 13/05/2017 09:14

You don't like his family, you have your doubts about him, and the whole thing is making you feel sad and depressed.

Just think very carefully. Marriage is a huge step.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/05/2017 09:16

In your situation no I wouldn't. They sound dysfunctional and it sounds like your DP just accepts his mum yelling at him.

I would probably sit down with DP and have a long talk about it but if he can't see a problem or defends them in any way I would walk.

tigerdriverII · 13/05/2017 09:17

The doubts alone would make it a 'no' for me.

On the family: it sounds like they're in each other's pockets all the time. That would be another 'no' even if I liked them tbh

Original poster

elephantcuddles · 13/05/2017 09:17

I feel in a rush because I'm 30 now. I see people have babies left and right and it's making me feel like I'm running out of time. I tell myself it would be worse to be in an unhappy marriage... and to be honest I shudder at the thought of these people being my future child's grandparents! He wants nothing to do with his family, but he is dependent on them.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 13/05/2017 09:17

Nope

category12 · 13/05/2017 09:18

What are the prospects of moving away from them, or not spending any time with them?
And how does your bf behave with them? If he backs you up and puts you first, you have a chance.

But yeah, I wouldn't marry into the family if you have doubts about your bf as well.

JapaneseTea · 13/05/2017 09:19

No, as people get older then become more like their parents and those patterns get stronger, in my experience.

Avoid.

category12 · 13/05/2017 09:19

Gosh you're only 30. Leg it. You still have time.

HeadDreamer · 13/05/2017 09:19

No. Unless they are estranged.

Original poster

elephantcuddles · 13/05/2017 09:20

He wants nothing to do with them, but at the moment, he has to live with them because he can't afford living on his own.. I have doubts about him because of that and other things. He's not good with money, etc. I usually end up paying for everything (he's unemployed right now). This is really an ultimate low point for me. He's caring most of the time, but he has his moments where I just want to get away from him. His family is truly awful and I feel sorry for him because of it.

OP posts:

HeadDreamer · 13/05/2017 09:20

Like you say it will be worse if you have children.

0dfod · 13/05/2017 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadDreamer · 13/05/2017 09:21

Run a mile after seeing your last post. Not good with money and you paying for everything?!!!

lonelysaddo · 13/05/2017 09:22

I had the same with my dhs family.

Always felt that I missed out on the kind of mother in law that you describe that you can be close to and that our dc missed out on a set of grandparents/ aunts and uncles as you wouldn't have trusted them with a goldfish never mind a baby.

Sadly dh also seemed to drift away from them after we were married and he realised that proper familes don't behave like that and steal etc from each other. I know there's regrets from dh now his parents have both died recently as he'll never get answers to how they treated him like that.

Difference in my situation though is i never had doubts about dh I'm not sure it will work for you if you do.

category12 · 13/05/2017 09:23

The more you say the worse it sounds. He's a no-hoper. Dump.

You have time to find someone decent, I know you are feeling the pressure, but you will sincerely regret marrying him.

Original poster

elephantcuddles · 13/05/2017 09:23

JapaneseTea, I think you might be right about that. I look at his dad and it terrifies me to think he could be like that in 30 years or so! He says over and over he wants nothing to do with them and he can't stand them, but it's infuriating that he still lives with them if he feels that strongly.

I've had my own issues with my family, but his family makes my family look mild in comparison which I didn't think was possible.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 13/05/2017 09:24

Marriage is huge, if you have any doubts, don't do it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2017 09:25

It sounds like this man would not and actually does not have your back when it comes to his abusive dysfunctional family. He cannot stand up for himself in their presence and is actually afraid of them. That is why he can say nothing; he has been that conditioned and is in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

He is very much a product of his own upbringing and is dependent on them. He still wants and seeks their approval. You bring children into this dynamic at your peril.

You have your doubts about him anyway, that is enough actually for you not to marry someone like this man.

Stop lying to yourself. Marrying because you are now 30 and are seeing others having babies are terrible reasons frankly to tie the knot at all. You really do not want a miserable marriage and subsequent divorce when you are a shell of your former self because that is what you would be setting yourself up for if you marry this person.

badmgr · 13/05/2017 09:27

NO WAY. Do not do it. You're already 'regretting' it before you're in a place to regret it. Leave before this situation becomes legal

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2017 09:28

elephant,

re your comment:-
"He says over and over he wants nothing to do with them and he can't stand them, but it's infuriating that he still lives with them if he feels that strongly".

Look at actions, not just words. He cannot and will not be able to make the break from his parents; his need for their approval as well as their hold is that strong over him. His own inertia re his parents is hurting him as well as you but he will continue to put his parents first and well above you. He cannot defend you in their presence and would rather you take the flak from them so he does not have to face it.

Original poster

elephantcuddles · 13/05/2017 09:28

Yes, he is terrified of them.

There are times when I have wanted to tell his mother off. She's a crazy bitch and acts so irrationally at times that it's truly disgusting. But I bite my tongue.

I know that everything you're saying is true.

OP posts:

newnameoldme · 13/05/2017 09:29

my gut instinct is to shout 'run' and I feel like you have that instinct too, that's why you're asking others opinion.
Your doubts about him sound well founded. I think you owe it to yourself to move on.

TheLionQueen1 · 13/05/2017 09:31

Yes I would still marry him, although the fact you are asking the question implies you may have other doubts?

I do not get on with my MiL we have no relationship after she refused to come to our wedding but I married him not them. And this is coming from someone to whom family means everything, as I have a huge family!

FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2017 09:33

Jesus no! Are you MAD? Get rid, right now.

He 'says' he wants nothing to do with his family. Talk is cheap though. Stand back and what you actually have is an unemployed whiner who even you don't like on occasion who actually lives with them and off them. He stands there and takes it when they scream at him and is hopeless with money etc.

He's exactly like them, OP. Weak, enmeshed, just pretty crap all round by the sound of it.

You're only 30! GET OUT NOW. Don't waste a second more. You are not happy and believe me, bringing children into this will be hell. Especially as it sounds as if he'd be about as useful both practically and emotionally as a dishrag.

Yes you have time. You also have options later if a partner doesn't work out in time for you to have children, such as donor sperm - but if you leave NOW and don't dither for another five years, it's unlikely ot come to that. But, without a doubt, the WORST option of all is to stay here because you want a baby.

Joysmum · 13/05/2017 09:35

He can't afford to rent a room to get away from them, or can't afford his own place?

If he could afford a room but chooses not to, that says a lot about him and I wouldn't go there.

If he genuinely is that hard up he can't afford to rent a single room then that would be different.

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