Would you marry him if you can't stand his family?

[elephantcuddles]

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? I can't stand his family. They are trashy for lack of a better word. They are RUDE, inconsiderate, and have put my health at risk (I have a heart condition and they know it and they choose to smoke around me at all times), his mum snaps at him and screams/yells/throws fits at him when he has done nothing wrong even when I'm standing right there. The whole family had a big argument and I was terrified. I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great.

My mother, on the other hand, had a great mother in law who would take her shopping and out to lunch and buy her whatever she wanted and they had a close and caring relationship. I will never get that with these people. NEVER. Not a chance in hell.

I feel sad and depressed and have to be around them for the next few days. It's making me feel miserable and insane.

[akaWisey]

You're as much an escape route for him from an intolerable situation as he is for you.

[supermumofmany]

And only 30.......my goodness run run run girl you have plenty of time for babies with the right person !

[supermumofmany]

As someone who has awful ex in laws and an ex who's mum rules him still at 39 I'd run before children are involved. I hate my kids having her regularly influencing their lives due to us being seperated

[Didactylos]

ive split up with someone when I met his mother
had wondered about a few things in the relationship and his history
but suddenly it all fell into place

cold, strange, emotionally inadequate woman - overly sentimental about some things, big gestures but utterly lacking in actual care or empathy, obsessed with her animals and pets but with no time for him, just no connection between them. Im sure she had her own problems, her own reasons but the issue was there didnt seem to be a bond between them and he was desperate for her approval and love - and had clearly never received it. She had put him second to various relationships in her life and left him in vulnerable situations, or not got him help when he needed it: and he would tell of these stories but wouldn't hear a word against her.

I had wondered why we were drifting into a relationship where I essentially acted as his caretaker and mothered him all the while pretending that this was not what was happening. Really sad because he was a lovely guy, caring, sensitive and loyal, but what he needed was a parent and not a partner.

In case anyone feels I single out his mother for a pretty harsh critique, I never did meet his father but the letter/phone contact I witnessed suggested he was a selfish and uncaring man, and the relationship between his parents was probably a huge part of why there was little real bond between the mother and son: and he had contributed nothing in the way of financial and parenting support.

I never did say all this to him as his loyalty to his mother was really genuine, and I could not see it ending well: I did/do care for him a lot but realised I could not see a relationship and family with him as I felt like I was a coach/parent/counsellor trying to help him get past his childhood; and this was killing the relationship stone dead. Still ended up supporting him for 4 years following the breakup....

On another slightly immature note - their family house was absolutely disgusting: I'm not fainthearted or obsessive but it really was years of lack of cleanliness, lack of direction and lack of care; a sort of manic footering futility of half finished projects, part painted walls and continual filth and animal mess. I realised this was where his normality/comfort standards came from and that I would end up either living in squalor or doing all the housework because he saw this as normal.

TL:DR summary; that was theraputic! sorry to hijack the thread
but if you feel uncomfortable/depressed etc around them try and analyse why; and try and project what you think future situations eg living together, disagreements, having children would be like with his family involved

[Tiredofstruggling1]

Don't do it. You'll regret it.

[Wallywobbles]

I've been married twice. 2 great MILs. Close to both. I think that really is a great thing. Nightmare MIL I'd think twice at least. He sounds like he's an unreliable person to have kids with anyway. I think call it a day now.

[ferriswheel]

Cuddles

You are 30. What possible reason do you have for staying?

I have my gorgeous children but this divorce has, many times, almost finished me off. My stbxh has behaved very badly. I'm sure if he faced up to his demons he could manage his life in a more peaceful way. But, from what I've read the whole internet he couldn't ever change and be at peace with himself because of the up bringing he had.

Also, it won't be better than it is now, ever.

And, all the annoyances you have now, give it ten years and they will be magnified by ten million.

[Upanddownroundandround]

To clarify refering to death, I mean family problems will spoil treasured last moments with someone and make a hard situation worse. I don't they will be days that should be treasured iyswim.

[Upanddownroundandround]

Honestly no, absolutely nope. My husband's family are a pain in the backside. They have been since day one. They aren't even that bad in terms of terrible in-laws but it's enough to just make life so difficult. It will affect all the things that are important as well. Birth of a child, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special trips out, weddings, death, etc. All those moments that you want to be memorable and special. These days will all be ruined if you don't get on with his family. Sorry, it's harsh, horrible and true imo.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

He is not a keeper, at any age. Sorry

[GoodDayToYou]

category12

Gosh you're only 30. Leg it. You still have time.

^^ This.

Run! Don't waste another moment!

[SparkleSoiree]

I married a man (loose description) at 28 because I was pregnant but his family hated me and I didn't think much of them. We split 3 months later and I was divorced when I was 29.

At 32 I met an amazing man with a lovely (albeit occasionally strange at times) family who welcomed me with open arms and we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last year.

You have time - do NOT settle. You are worth more and settling will only bring more heartache.

[littlefurrysheep]

please don't do it. believe me, having children with the wrong man is not a small error that can be worked around.

[Lovelilies]

Nope.
I got with ExP before meeting his family and can't stand the fuckers.
Feel terrible that my DC have then as GPs and an uncle dick head

[Candlefairy101]

Sounds to me you are just a different class of people.

I have a family like your stbh and my dh family are think they are upper class.

It never made a difference to us, I still have a good relationship with my mil and my husband finds my family amusing.

[phoenixtherabbit]

I dislike dps family immensely. His dad was abusive to him as a child and loses his shit at a moments notice, also used to beat the shit out his mum doesn't now to best of our knowledge but still v controlling and verbally abusive. His mother is rude, inconsiderate and entitled. I appreciate she's a victim of domestic abuse and I appreciate this affects her behaviour so I don't blame her for how she acts but I do blame her disgusting husband. He's no brothers or sisters thank god but he has one cousin who I also find particularly revolting. She refers to my son as 'that child' but dps other child by his name. She's awful and if we ever do get married she will most certainly not be invited. I wouldn't invite his parents either if he didn't want the, there but he would feel obliged.

If you do marry him (but really think about whether you want to as you say you're unsure) I'd elope!

[elephantcuddles]

Ferris, that sounds like a tremendous amount of stress you have had to endure and I'm sorry you've been through that. It certainly gives me something to think about.

That example you gave makes perfect sense. It would feel violating and my boundaries would be overstepped and I would not really have a choice.

Good luck to you, I hope things get better for you 🌷

[keepingonrunning]

I have my doubts about him
Trust your instincts and, most importantly, act on them. Do not ignore them.
The dynamics you see in his family will be what he recreates if you and he have children together. Please make sure you do not. You can do so much better. You don't need ANY man, you need the RIGHT man for you. This one is definitely not.

[ferriswheel]

Op. He absolutely could not help but turn into them.

It is his blueprint. I have worked and fought and begged and cried. He can't not be them. It is unbelievably sad. The guy I married is unrecognizable from the one I am divorcing.

A pp said about how you'd feel leaving your children with his family. Maybe this is a poor example but imagine giving your screaming mil your phone and handbag to look through? Right, letting them holding your baby and be part of your life is a million times worse.

[Hermonie2016]

Elephant, my stbxh and from a nightmare family, outward functional.Ex was aware if the issues and even had counselling so I assumed he had insight and self awareness.
However under stress (such as children or jobs) people revert to how they were raised..its the natural responses that kick in.Learned behaviour is incredibly difficult to change.
If he's jobless I really doubt he will change sufficiently so you are taking a high risk.
Being in a bad marriage is 10x times than being single.Choosing a "bad" dad for your children is also so sad..knowing you have have to hand then over to his family would feel awful.

[HildaOg]

Until he's completely no communication with his family, has a job, learns to properly budget and is independent, then don't even think of marrying him. Have some standards. Otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life regretting it.

[FlaviaAlbia]

Honestly, think about the fact that you currently support him and you've already talked about future children.

Why would he move out? I suspect he's using you as much you're using him and he sees himself moving in with you in while you continue to support him. So why would he make an effort?

If you think this is the best you and any children of yours deserve, it sounds like you have really low self esteem. Maybe that's maybe something to talk over with a therapist?

[Neverknowing]

Definitely get out.
What I love so much about my DP is in part his loving family, I don't know what I'd do without them honestly. Also, when you have a baby it'll be so much worse!! Your DP will end up like them and also If he can't look after himself how is he going to look after a baby. RUN.

[LonginesPrime]

Good decision, OP.

On top of whether you trust him to keep his word and not have your future kids around his family, as PPs have suggested, your future kids would end up being around his family in the long run anyway when you split up and he has them every other weekend at his folks' house where he would obviously live again following the relationship breakdown.

And if you have misgivings about him now and allude to the fact the perceived ticking of your biological clock is driving this decision, my prediction is that the marriage wouldn't last the distance.

Free yourself to be available when someone really worthwhile comes along, instead of letting this loser drag you down.

[Mix56]

My first thought was you must be a 16 year old...
Please try thinking as an adult. This whole thing is ghastly. There is nothing that shows he would be an asset as a partner & husband.
Please stop this fiasco