Would you marry him if you can't stand his family?

[elephantcuddles]

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? I can't stand his family. They are trashy for lack of a better word. They are RUDE, inconsiderate, and have put my health at risk (I have a heart condition and they know it and they choose to smoke around me at all times), his mum snaps at him and screams/yells/throws fits at him when he has done nothing wrong even when I'm standing right there. The whole family had a big argument and I was terrified. I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great.

My mother, on the other hand, had a great mother in law who would take her shopping and out to lunch and buy her whatever she wanted and they had a close and caring relationship. I will never get that with these people. NEVER. Not a chance in hell.

I feel sad and depressed and have to be around them for the next few days. It's making me feel miserable and insane.

[HappyFlappy]

I had decided I wouldn't settle for someone I had doubts about

Wise words Dumde

Elephant - Don't risk your future, and your possible children's futures with a man you aren't sure of. It's easy to settle for someone you think you could probably live with - wait for the one you feel you can't live without.

You may or may not marry and have a family, but you won't be jumping into a pit of snakes, which is what you will be doing if you settle for less.

[charlyn]

Forgetting the family for a moment..... why is he unemployed and living at home? How old is he? I wouldn't marry him just for that reason.
If you have a child then his family will forever be tied to you and will probably cause problems in some way for you. Think very carefully, 30 is definitely not too old.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

DO NOT MARRY HIM.

"I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great."
This says it all, even before you look at his family.

"I feel in a rush because I'm 30 now."
So this is actually the core of the issue, isn't it? You feel your clock's ticking and you're panicking and are willing to 'settle' for someone, someone you have your doubts about and who is part of an unpleasant family. You're actually considering sticking your fingers in your ears and singing 'la la la' to override the red flags of this set-up that are screaming at you so loud and so clear.

DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Yes, your clock's ticking. But you still have a lot of time. I didn't even meet my husband until I was thirty, and I had DS at 35.

DO NOT MARRY HIM.

[Ginandpanic]

No way, I think you're realising that now. However, if he can't afford his own place and has no job then marriage isn't on the cards surely? By the time he gets his act together you could have met someone else , got married and had a dc! It's a bigger risk staying with him imo.

[LaPharisienne]

I wouldn't.

When times get hard, which they inevitably do at some point or another, it makes a huge difference to be able to lean on family and in laws. Both DP and I are close to each other's families and it is a wonderful support and glue for the relationship between DP and I.

[n0ne]

I wouldn't write someone off because of their family - that's not their fault - but this man doesn't seem to have much else going for him either. Don't marry him, too many issues already.

[motherinferior]

You're only 30. There is no 'threshold for fertility' at 35. You have the best part of a decade. Don't do this.

[Gingernaut]

He wants nothing to do with them, but at the moment, he has to live with them because he can't afford living on his own. - There's something wrong with a houseshare?

I have doubts about him because of that and other things.

He's not good with money, etc. I usually end up paying for everything (he's unemployed right now). - So, is he looking for work?

This is really an ultimate low point for me. He's caring most of the time, but he has his moments where I just want to get away from him. His family is truly awful and I feel sorry for him because of it.

He's not doing anything to get away from the people he supposedly hates, sponges off you and you have doubts.

Marry him? No.

[ferriswheel]

I did. And I did and do think they are vile. What kind of friends does he have? Are they lovely, does he spend a lot of time with people you love to be with?

My h turned into his family.

Be careful.

[elephantcuddles]

Ferris, did your h plan on not turning into them or ever say he wanted to distance himself and then it just didn't end up happening?

He tells me he will distance himself, that he doesn't want his parents around our future children etc. but like most things he has told me (like he would make sure they wouldn't smoke around me and would take it outside), I see that not ending up that way and for him to allow it to happen and then my future child would be smoked around etc. thanks for all the replies. I agree. 😔

[Mix56]

My first thought was you must be a 16 year old...
Please try thinking as an adult. This whole thing is ghastly. There is nothing that shows he would be an asset as a partner & husband.
Please stop this fiasco

[LonginesPrime]

Good decision, OP.

On top of whether you trust him to keep his word and not have your future kids around his family, as PPs have suggested, your future kids would end up being around his family in the long run anyway when you split up and he has them every other weekend at his folks' house where he would obviously live again following the relationship breakdown.

And if you have misgivings about him now and allude to the fact the perceived ticking of your biological clock is driving this decision, my prediction is that the marriage wouldn't last the distance.

Free yourself to be available when someone really worthwhile comes along, instead of letting this loser drag you down.

[Neverknowing]

Definitely get out.
What I love so much about my DP is in part his loving family, I don't know what I'd do without them honestly. Also, when you have a baby it'll be so much worse!! Your DP will end up like them and also If he can't look after himself how is he going to look after a baby. RUN.

[FlaviaAlbia]

Honestly, think about the fact that you currently support him and you've already talked about future children.

Why would he move out? I suspect he's using you as much you're using him and he sees himself moving in with you in while you continue to support him. So why would he make an effort?

If you think this is the best you and any children of yours deserve, it sounds like you have really low self esteem. Maybe that's maybe something to talk over with a therapist?

[HildaOg]

Until he's completely no communication with his family, has a job, learns to properly budget and is independent, then don't even think of marrying him. Have some standards. Otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life regretting it.

[Hermonie2016]

Elephant, my stbxh and from a nightmare family, outward functional.Ex was aware if the issues and even had counselling so I assumed he had insight and self awareness.
However under stress (such as children or jobs) people revert to how they were raised..its the natural responses that kick in.Learned behaviour is incredibly difficult to change.
If he's jobless I really doubt he will change sufficiently so you are taking a high risk.
Being in a bad marriage is 10x times than being single.Choosing a "bad" dad for your children is also so sad..knowing you have have to hand then over to his family would feel awful.

[ferriswheel]

Op. He absolutely could not help but turn into them.

It is his blueprint. I have worked and fought and begged and cried. He can't not be them. It is unbelievably sad. The guy I married is unrecognizable from the one I am divorcing.

A pp said about how you'd feel leaving your children with his family. Maybe this is a poor example but imagine giving your screaming mil your phone and handbag to look through? Right, letting them holding your baby and be part of your life is a million times worse.

[keepingonrunning]

I have my doubts about him
Trust your instincts and, most importantly, act on them. Do not ignore them.
The dynamics you see in his family will be what he recreates if you and he have children together. Please make sure you do not. You can do so much better. You don't need ANY man, you need the RIGHT man for you. This one is definitely not.

[elephantcuddles]

Ferris, that sounds like a tremendous amount of stress you have had to endure and I'm sorry you've been through that. It certainly gives me something to think about.

That example you gave makes perfect sense. It would feel violating and my boundaries would be overstepped and I would not really have a choice.

Good luck to you, I hope things get better for you 🌷

[phoenixtherabbit]

I dislike dps family immensely. His dad was abusive to him as a child and loses his shit at a moments notice, also used to beat the shit out his mum doesn't now to best of our knowledge but still v controlling and verbally abusive. His mother is rude, inconsiderate and entitled. I appreciate she's a victim of domestic abuse and I appreciate this affects her behaviour so I don't blame her for how she acts but I do blame her disgusting husband. He's no brothers or sisters thank god but he has one cousin who I also find particularly revolting. She refers to my son as 'that child' but dps other child by his name. She's awful and if we ever do get married she will most certainly not be invited. I wouldn't invite his parents either if he didn't want the, there but he would feel obliged.

If you do marry him (but really think about whether you want to as you say you're unsure) I'd elope!

[Candlefairy101]

Sounds to me you are just a different class of people.

I have a family like your stbh and my dh family are think they are upper class.

It never made a difference to us, I still have a good relationship with my mil and my husband finds my family amusing.

[Lovelilies]

Nope.
I got with ExP before meeting his family and can't stand the fuckers.
Feel terrible that my DC have then as GPs and an uncle dick head

[littlefurrysheep]

please don't do it. believe me, having children with the wrong man is not a small error that can be worked around.

[SparkleSoiree]

I married a man (loose description) at 28 because I was pregnant but his family hated me and I didn't think much of them. We split 3 months later and I was divorced when I was 29.

At 32 I met an amazing man with a lovely (albeit occasionally strange at times) family who welcomed me with open arms and we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last year.

You have time - do NOT settle. You are worth more and settling will only bring more heartache.

[GoodDayToYou]

category12

Gosh you're only 30. Leg it. You still have time.

^^ This.

Run! Don't waste another moment!