Would you marry him if you can't stand his family?

[elephantcuddles]

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? I can't stand his family. They are trashy for lack of a better word. They are RUDE, inconsiderate, and have put my health at risk (I have a heart condition and they know it and they choose to smoke around me at all times), his mum snaps at him and screams/yells/throws fits at him when he has done nothing wrong even when I'm standing right there. The whole family had a big argument and I was terrified. I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great.

My mother, on the other hand, had a great mother in law who would take her shopping and out to lunch and buy her whatever she wanted and they had a close and caring relationship. I will never get that with these people. NEVER. Not a chance in hell.

I feel sad and depressed and have to be around them for the next few days. It's making me feel miserable and insane.

[KungFuEric]

ago be dIr op, some people might call you a crazy bitch for marrying the first bloke available because you're suddenly terrified of being 30 and single. I think you know you need to leave him, but also look into getting help for your self esteem.

[KungFuEric]

*ago be dlr op = To be fair op

Bloody autocorrect gibberish.

[happypoobum]

Nope I would not.

Move on and in a year or so you will be looking back on this and thinking what a lucky escape you had.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If he really wanted to get away from them and be with you, he'd get a job, any job. Or do some kind of paid work. Then work on getting the job he wants. He doesn't sound like good husband material to me and the longer he stays around them, the more chance he has of being like them. No I wouldn't. I'd cut my losses today tbh because it's no point being with someone, who can offer no future.

[HappyFlappy]

You have your doubts about him.

He's scared to contradict or criticise his family, or even stand up to them in defence of you or himself.

He sin't working and he can't manage money.

You are worried that at thirty you are missing the boat for husband and children

I've italicised that last one because that is the deal breaker - but FFS don't settle for second best in a relationship which hopefully will last all of your lives.

You could marry this guy and miss out on the one who will really make you happy.

Don't do it.

[DeeDooDee]

I feel in a rush because I'm 30 now

That's a terrible reason to justify your doubts. You can't risk bringing a child into a relationship unless you are sure it's healthy and happy. You can chose to do that for you but you shouldn't inflict it on a child.

[Elphaba99]

Mummy I completely agree. It's one thing if you love your DH-to-be beyond all doubt, and it's an equal partnership in all senses, because you are marrying him, not his family.

However, it doesn't sound like this is the case. I'd give him an ultimatum to get any job (assuming he's fit & well) and cut the apron strings. If he gets of his arse then great. If not, RUN.

[Nanny0gg]

You haven't given one reason to stay.

And when you add his dependency and unemployment into the mix there is a recipe for complete misery.

DO NOT DO IT.

Cut your losses now and find someone with a bit of gumption.

[Elphaba99]

Oops - off his arse!

[JK1773]

No, no, no. His family are not going anywhere. My ex in laws were absolutely toxic and the sheer relief of not having them in my life any more is overwhelming. They won't change, he won't cut them off so if you marry him they are your family too and you're stuck with them.

[sureitsgrand]

Be very careful. I married a man who has a shit family. He is definitely the best out of them, but their attitudes continue to affect him and our life. We have a beautiful ds who is the only reason I am currently trying to work things out, but if I knew then what I know now, I'd never have married him. Some people find it very hard to shake the shackles of their upbringing off and break the cycle.

[sureitsgrand]

Be very careful. I married a man who has a shit family. He is definitely the best out of them, but their attitudes continue to affect him and our life. We have a beautiful ds who is the only reason I am currently trying to work things out, but if I knew then what I know now, I'd never have married him. Some people find it very hard to shake the shackles of their upbringing off and break the cycle.

[Kobieta]

You want to marry him and have his children but have nothing to do with his family. He lives with them and is unemployed.
As I see it you have two choices: either you give him up or you and he move to the other side of the country (or a completely new country) and go NC with his family.
Talk to him about it - does his family mean more to him than you do? If so then get out sooner rather than later.
If he truly wants a future with you, start looking for work as far away as you can realistically manage. If he is unemployed try to move somewhere where there is a better chance of him getting work.

Remember, you only get one life, so you need to make changes soon.

[Dumdedumdedum]

I also think you know that marrying him is the wrong decision for you. It is better to live alone unhappily than live with someone and be unhappy, to paraphrase Marilyn Monroe.
If it's any consolation, I met my first (and hopefully, my only) husband when we were 33, we married when we were 35 and had our only child when we were 39. I had given up on finding someone I wanted to marry and have children with, as I had decided I wouldn't settle for someone I had doubts about.
Good luck!

[Mermaidinthesea123]

Quite honestly never mind the family he sounds dodgy.
I have a rule now after havng lived with three spongers. I am worth more than having some man sponge off me. These type of people are two a penny.
I won't go out with anyone who doesn't have a good job, is good with money and who doesn't have anything saved up.
If they can't afford to get you so much as a decent engagement ring then they can forget it.

[LonginesPrime]

Run for the hills, OP.

Bringing kids into the equation will make you feel trapped and you will have no money and kids to support. They will likely smoke around the kids too, and not respect your wishes as their parent since they don't respect your own health.

You can obviously walk away from him one day, but remember that you will be tying your kids in to always being connected to the family, even when you get divorced. I feel really sorry for my kids for this reason - I get away with not seeing his family, but they still have to be subjected to a lot of the crap I chose to walk away from.

Just don't do it.

[Hassled]

It's less about the in laws from hell (you could move far far away if it came to it) and more about what seem like very real doubts about your partner: "at times he can be great." - he should be great most of the time. The odd moment of greatness isn't enough. Why is he unemployed? Is he actively looking for work?
30 is young. You have loads of time on your side. Find someone who is always great, who you know will always prioritise you and who wants you to be happy.

[stitchglitched]

My DP has an awful family but he is no contact with them and his parents have never met our children. If they had been a regular part of his life I doubt I'd have been able to tolerate it and have a family with him, and I love him to bits with no doubts at all! You have doubts about your DP even without his family so it would be a mistake.

Imagine having a baby with him and these people wanting to be around their grandchild alot. Or splitting with your partner and having to hand your kid over every week knowing contact is likely to be at their house.

[WicksEnd]

How long has he been unemployed? How many jobs has he had? If he's in his 30's with no career to fall back on he's likely to be stuck in low paid temp positions as it doesn't sound like he has much motivation or drive. If he had, he wouldn't still be living with a toxic family.

[GolyHuacamole]

I think deep down you already know the answer

[peukpokicuzo]

He wants nothing to do with them, but at the moment, he has to live with them because he can't afford living on his own.. I have doubts about him because of that and other things. He's not good with money, etc.

God no. Run for the hills.
If he was a decent man you could marry him so long as it was understood that the partnership between you and him comes before his relationship with his family.

But he sounds weak and pathetic. He is willing to put up with being dependent on people he wants nothing to do with rather than making his own way in the world he is not a keeper.

End it. Find a partner who is a bit less of a waste of oxygen.

[corythatwas]

This is what you should be focusing on:

"I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great."

Is "at times" going to be good enough for your child?

"He wants nothing to do with his family, but he is dependent on them."

If he is dependent on them now when he is single and the world is potentially his oyster, that is not going to change when he has the added pressure of a family.

"He's not good with money, etc."

So how secure will the financial future of your child be with a feckless dad?

"He's caring most of the time, but he has his moments where I just want to get away from him."

Your child will not be able to get away from him: that is the only dad your child will ever have. Choose carefully.

And as the others said: 30 is still young. Dh and I met when I was 19; by the time I was 30 we hadn't even started trying for a child. If you get away from feckless bloke now, you might meet "Mr Right" next year or the year after and still have plenty of time. But the longer you stay, the less chance you will have.

[C0RAL]

If you were 42 I would still say don't marry him. I'd say get donor sperm.

But you are only 30. Despite what you read on MN, you are NOT running out of time to have a baby. Get a grip and find a decent man. Or decide to go it alone, one way or another.

[user1487854472]

Speaking from experience. Do not marry this man. The apple never falls from the tree is very true in my case! I was convinced he was very different to the rest of his family, until a baby arrived and lo and behold, he's just like the rest of them. I supported him financially too! Don't do it xx

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

If you marry, and have a child then the relationship crumbles you know he will go back to his family..and you will be handing that child over to him and his smoking arguing disfunctional relatives at least every other weekend. So you will feel trapped if you go forward with this.
Can you really let yourself / your future child be in that position?
Run, fast run far - towards a future you want not a shitty compromise.
You can't go and get what you want whilst you are holding on to this anchor of a bloke and his family.