Would you marry him if you can't stand his family?

[elephantcuddles]

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? I can't stand his family. They are trashy for lack of a better word. They are RUDE, inconsiderate, and have put my health at risk (I have a heart condition and they know it and they choose to smoke around me at all times), his mum snaps at him and screams/yells/throws fits at him when he has done nothing wrong even when I'm standing right there. The whole family had a big argument and I was terrified. I have my doubts about him but at times he can be great.

My mother, on the other hand, had a great mother in law who would take her shopping and out to lunch and buy her whatever she wanted and they had a close and caring relationship. I will never get that with these people. NEVER. Not a chance in hell.

I feel sad and depressed and have to be around them for the next few days. It's making me feel miserable and insane.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

He is not a keeper, at any age. Sorry

[Upanddownroundandround]

Honestly no, absolutely nope. My husband's family are a pain in the backside. They have been since day one. They aren't even that bad in terms of terrible in-laws but it's enough to just make life so difficult. It will affect all the things that are important as well. Birth of a child, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, special trips out, weddings, death, etc. All those moments that you want to be memorable and special. These days will all be ruined if you don't get on with his family. Sorry, it's harsh, horrible and true imo.

[Upanddownroundandround]

To clarify refering to death, I mean family problems will spoil treasured last moments with someone and make a hard situation worse. I don't they will be days that should be treasured iyswim.

[ferriswheel]

Cuddles

You are 30. What possible reason do you have for staying?

I have my gorgeous children but this divorce has, many times, almost finished me off. My stbxh has behaved very badly. I'm sure if he faced up to his demons he could manage his life in a more peaceful way. But, from what I've read the whole internet he couldn't ever change and be at peace with himself because of the up bringing he had.

Also, it won't be better than it is now, ever.

And, all the annoyances you have now, give it ten years and they will be magnified by ten million.

[Wallywobbles]

I've been married twice. 2 great MILs. Close to both. I think that really is a great thing. Nightmare MIL I'd think twice at least. He sounds like he's an unreliable person to have kids with anyway. I think call it a day now.

[Tiredofstruggling1]

Don't do it. You'll regret it.

[Didactylos]

ive split up with someone when I met his mother
had wondered about a few things in the relationship and his history
but suddenly it all fell into place

cold, strange, emotionally inadequate woman - overly sentimental about some things, big gestures but utterly lacking in actual care or empathy, obsessed with her animals and pets but with no time for him, just no connection between them. Im sure she had her own problems, her own reasons but the issue was there didnt seem to be a bond between them and he was desperate for her approval and love - and had clearly never received it. She had put him second to various relationships in her life and left him in vulnerable situations, or not got him help when he needed it: and he would tell of these stories but wouldn't hear a word against her.

I had wondered why we were drifting into a relationship where I essentially acted as his caretaker and mothered him all the while pretending that this was not what was happening. Really sad because he was a lovely guy, caring, sensitive and loyal, but what he needed was a parent and not a partner.

In case anyone feels I single out his mother for a pretty harsh critique, I never did meet his father but the letter/phone contact I witnessed suggested he was a selfish and uncaring man, and the relationship between his parents was probably a huge part of why there was little real bond between the mother and son: and he had contributed nothing in the way of financial and parenting support.

I never did say all this to him as his loyalty to his mother was really genuine, and I could not see it ending well: I did/do care for him a lot but realised I could not see a relationship and family with him as I felt like I was a coach/parent/counsellor trying to help him get past his childhood; and this was killing the relationship stone dead. Still ended up supporting him for 4 years following the breakup....

On another slightly immature note - their family house was absolutely disgusting: I'm not fainthearted or obsessive but it really was years of lack of cleanliness, lack of direction and lack of care; a sort of manic footering futility of half finished projects, part painted walls and continual filth and animal mess. I realised this was where his normality/comfort standards came from and that I would end up either living in squalor or doing all the housework because he saw this as normal.

TL:DR summary; that was theraputic! sorry to hijack the thread
but if you feel uncomfortable/depressed etc around them try and analyse why; and try and project what you think future situations eg living together, disagreements, having children would be like with his family involved

[supermumofmany]

As someone who has awful ex in laws and an ex who's mum rules him still at 39 I'd run before children are involved. I hate my kids having her regularly influencing their lives due to us being seperated

[supermumofmany]

And only 30.......my goodness run run run girl you have plenty of time for babies with the right person !

[akaWisey]

You're as much an escape route for him from an intolerable situation as he is for you.