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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Aibu - to expect his ex not to text as much ?

111 replies

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:13

The title says it all really.
Firstly - I am aware they have young children and a certain amount of contact is needed - I always have excepted that as I have a child too.

Lately though the texts have been a lot more frequent - to the point that his phone goes off four or five time during an evening with me. He doesn't respond whilst with me !

I have to admit the other evening whilst he was out of the room I did check through his messages - she texts randomly, not daily but more than needed. She'll use him as a shoulder to cry on or for advice, or just someone to talk to and he is happy to oblige and engage in conversation. Reams of messages and mainly nothing child related.

Should I be unsettled by this ? Or is it normal.
He will iniate conversation sometimes, following up how she is or asking about things ?

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 17/04/2017 12:23

Ywnbu to ask him to keep the communication to be strictly about the dc. .
He has no obligation to be her shoulder /ear regarding anything but the dc.

And he shouldn't want to imo.

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 12:29

Texts only need to be about the children, Are they fairly recently split up?

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:30

He will always respond to her.
Whether it's just short and sweet sentences, not very engaging.
When ever she apologies for bothering him he'll say it's no bother and he doesn't mind!

Other times he will engage in lengthy chats offering her advice - or he'll message her asking how such and such problem panned out or if there is any news etc !

If it was about the children I can understand them chatting away and him being concerned.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:31

No they've been split for a few years.

OP posts:

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 12:33

Does she have a partner?
Have you told him it bothers you?

Mombie2016 · 17/04/2017 12:34

YABU.

The better they get on the better for the kids. Their relationship shouldn't change just because new girlfriend has her knickers in a twist about it

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:35

Not sure if it should be bothering me or not. So I thought I would see if my views were founded or not ? Before I broached the subject.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 17/04/2017 12:35

Can't exes who share children be friends ?

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:36

I don't have my knickers in a twist.

They do have children but surely it is his job to be there for her and worry about the children but I was unsure if they should still be emotionally attached, isn't it better for her to form those attachments with someone else ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:38

I am friendly with my ex. However he and I don't really discuss personal issues.
Unless it is child related.

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 17/04/2017 12:39

You can't police who he is friends with I'm afraid.

Mombie2016 · 17/04/2017 12:39

Its none of your business really. How do you know how emotionally attached she is to him?! Or if she even is?

My ExDP and I talk about all sorts, not just child related. We are friends, we were together for a long time and even when the kids are adults we will still be in each other's lives due to grandkids etc.

Basically you're stuck with her for a very long time... And it's much easier than them being at each other's throats constantly like my H and his ExDP were/are

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:43

And that is why I put this post up.
I didn't know if it should be bothering me or not.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 17/04/2017 12:45

No should about it really. It bothers you and that's fine. Decide whether you can live with it forever.

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 12:47

Of course its her business she is his partner!
You have to keep a respectful boundary there for the new partner.

Mombie2016 · 17/04/2017 12:50

Nope.

She isn't flirting, she isn't crying all over him, she isnt begging for him back. That would be inappropriate.

It's general chit chat texts. If that annoys you then you're gonna have serious issues going forwardsz

MaisyPops · 17/04/2017 12:51

Sounds like they are amincable and thats got to be good for the children.
If they were discussing relationships (beyond say her going on a date rtc) or problems in relationships then a chat might be in order.
Otherwise I think its nice. When theres birthdays etc they can still enjoy them etc and have things other than kids to talk about.

Its not right or wrong to be bothered. Ultimately you have to decide how much it bothers you. If its a deal breaker then you need to make that choice.

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:52

It is harmless chat.
But they also spend atleast two days a month together with the children - so have plenty of time to catch up and chat about things.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/04/2017 12:52

YABU to dictate what he can talk to other people about, Ultimately his Ex's health and wellbeing could have a major impact on your relationship.

2sCompany · 17/04/2017 12:52

My ex and I are good friends, he has been incredibly supportive to me during a very hard time lately. In fact, I would consider him a "best friend" and one of very few people who I can properly talk to. We text most days and I think it's great for our children to see us getting along rather than arguing, like when we were together.

Any partner in either of our lives will have to deal with that. Our children come first and our friendship is important to them and us. It is an infinitely better situation for all concerned than being at each others throats all the time.

You sound a bit threatened by their "emotional attachment" OP - unfortunately, they will always have an attachment. Are you worried he will go back to her? Isn't it better that they get on and are friends rather than you having to deal with a stereotypical 'psycho ex'?

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:55

I didn't say I was going to dictate.
I haven't and I won't.

I was asking if my feelings were unreasonable and whether it was something I should bring up or accept.

She does sometimes tell him she is lonely etc and that she wishes things were different. He just apologises that they aren't.

OP posts:

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 12:57

It is your business crazy4me and I would say the set up is odd spending two days together a month, Blurring the lines a bit for the children.

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 12:59

Crazy4me that is definately crossing the line sending a message like that

Sunshinegirls · 17/04/2017 12:59

I'm friends with my ex, we text and see each other etc, he recently got a new partner and I'm now friends with her too. Maybe you should try and befriend her? Especially as there are children involved.

Original poster

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 13:04

I haven't met his children he keeps that part of his life very separate.

OP posts:

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