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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Aibu - to expect his ex not to text as much ?

111 replies

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:13

The title says it all really.
Firstly - I am aware they have young children and a certain amount of contact is needed - I always have excepted that as I have a child too.

Lately though the texts have been a lot more frequent - to the point that his phone goes off four or five time during an evening with me. He doesn't respond whilst with me !

I have to admit the other evening whilst he was out of the room I did check through his messages - she texts randomly, not daily but more than needed. She'll use him as a shoulder to cry on or for advice, or just someone to talk to and he is happy to oblige and engage in conversation. Reams of messages and mainly nothing child related.

Should I be unsettled by this ? Or is it normal.
He will iniate conversation sometimes, following up how she is or asking about things ?

OP posts:

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CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 13:07

Have you been together long?

Lelloteddy · 17/04/2017 13:07

YABU and need to be wary of anyone telling you that you're not. Only on MN would you have a stream of insecure new partners suggesting it's reasonable to discourage your partner from having a good, amicable relationship with the mother of his children
If this is an issue for you then it suggests a degree of insecurity in your relationship.

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 13:09

If it were me texting my ex partner my woes though - I'm sure my current partner would be a bit miffed ...

OP posts:

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 13:16

What a load of rubbish lelloteddy, Its isn't reasonable to be constantly texting your ex and saying that they wish things were different, If you could handle that, then good on you if your into that sort of thing but most people want a partner who is exclusive to them.
He's not with his ex, It doesn't mean they can't get along because he won't text her all the time. Of course they can be friendly but there are bounderies.

pumpkinmoon1 · 17/04/2017 13:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Some people would be fine with it, but you aren't and that is okay. It's good that they have stayed friendly for the kids but that can be done without her texting so much. I would definitely not be happy with her saying that she's lonely and she wishes things were different. Different how? I can only assume that she means that she wishes they were still together or things had worked out which begs the question, does she want him back? Does she know that he has a new partner? And how long have you been together for you not to have met his children yet?

Sunshinegirls · 17/04/2017 13:17

Sounds a bit doomed. I think a healthy relationship is based on trust and respect.
If you don't trust him and you think he doesn't trust you and if you are jealous of each other's ex's it may mean that you both aren't ready for a new relationship and possible aren't meant to be. Of course, if you can talk to him about how you feel and can make compromises to move forward then there may be hope. Communication is key, negative emotions will only destroy you. Good luck.

TheNaze73 · 17/04/2017 13:18

How long have you been together? If we're talking a few years, then I think he should.

Lelloteddy · 17/04/2017 13:20

Boundaries set by an insecure new partner Cmama? Good luck with that

grobagsforever · 17/04/2017 13:20

Hmmm. Given you don't live together I assume your evenings together are special and I would therefore be annoyed at him texting a lot - if I spend an evening with my boyfriend or a friend I expect them to limit their phone use to essential communication only, that's just good manners. I put my phone in a different room when boyfriend or friends come over and if I'm out with boyfriend or friends in evening then phone stays in bag unless it's the babysitter!

But the frequent communication in itself is not an issue.

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 13:21

I'm not a new partner we have been together for two years nearly.

OP posts:

HarrietSchulenberg · 17/04/2017 13:22

I think that you either have to accept that they are friends with a whole shared history that you are not part of, or move on and find someone with less emotional attachments.
Sorry, but you're only going to look like the bad guy if you tackle this.

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 13:24

I don't want to make a huge issue of it.
I just wanted to know if anyone else would feel the same.
She shouldn't be using him as her safety blanket etc.

OP posts:

grobagsforever · 17/04/2017 13:26

How much do you see each other? Curious as to why you haven't met kids? Has he met yours?

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 13:26

Good luck with what lelloteddy?

2years and you haven't met his kids??
Why hasn't he let you meet his kids after 2 years?

Helpmegetthisoutmymind · 17/04/2017 13:36

I wouldn't be happy with this. My husband wouldn't be happy if I was close friends with my ex either or spending days out with him. You can be good parents and not do any of those things.
In fact I don't know anyone else in real life with such a friendly relationship with their ex. It's generally about the children and that's it.

PsychedelicSheep · 17/04/2017 13:38

The texting is fine, I wouldn't be bothered about it. My exh and I have a friendly relationship and it's nice for the kids.

The compartmentalisation of your relationship I would be bothered about, unless I very much felt the same way about things which I don't think you do. Have you met his parents/friends much? Or are you more of an 'indoor girlfriend'?

Chops2016 · 17/04/2017 14:03

I think it's a wonderful thing that they can remain friends, as other posters have said, this can only be good for the children. There's no reason ex partners cannot remain friends, and your bf obviously does value her as a friend.

Ask yourself, would you feel the same way is he was texting a male friend on the evenings you are together? If not then I think you need to address why this is with yourself.

You sound quite resentful of their friendship; "she shouldn't be using him as her safety blanket" - that's sort of what friends do, look out for each other and turn to them when they need support..

Mochachinomumma · 17/04/2017 14:36

Oh here we go again! Seriously you are with a man who has a past, he I'm assuming once had a happy loving relationship with his ex who he has children with.
They are trying to get along for the sake of their children.

Now I don't know the circumstances as to why they are no longer in a relationship but some people get along better when they don't live with each other and your dps being able to call him and be able to talk about things that's going on in her life other than their children is fantastic in my book, it goes to show that they are mature adults who have respect for each other and their children.

I often talk to my ex (dcs dad) for hours on the phone about everything from the news down to my broken nail, we also spent last Sunday with our children in the park having a picnic.
why? Because I would like to show my children that just because we don't live together or that we are not in love anymore we can and always be there for them as two loving parents and not two single ones who are not allowed to speak to each other because daddy's girlfriend is jealous.
So I suggest that either you get on with it or move onto a man with no children and exes.

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 14:40

So you would be really happy with your partners ex messaging him saying she's lonely and she wishes things were different...

Mochachinomumma · 17/04/2017 14:41

Also she's not the only one texting is she?
Your partner is also participating in the conversation, so why are you only putting this on her?

Mochachinomumma · 17/04/2017 14:46

cmama
lf the op isn't happy with the way her relationship is going and the way in which her parnter speaks to his ex then she needs to take it up with him, obviously there is something written within the context of that particular message, who knows if the ops dp has asked his ex what she was feeling and the op has only seen the reply.

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 15:00

It is the level of contact they have that was unsettling me and the emotional reliance.
I am akin to the fact they need to remain friends and cordial - they are, as I said they all do stuff together twice a month - but they have that time to chat etc - if it were the odd occasion, it seems that when she gets down she starts to wish they were back together. (He left her) rather than ignoring the conversation he apologises and listens to her saying she misses him etc.

OP posts:

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QuiteLikely5 · 17/04/2017 15:10

I wouldn't like this!! I think you've had a hard time here op.

I, unlike you would have spoken up long before now!

On the plus side you have said the texts show he doesn't want her back.

Two years is a long time to not have ment his children- I wonder if he is as committed as you think??

Imo he is overly invested in his past

SheldonsSpot · 17/04/2017 15:14

He's got you both nicely boxed off, hasn't he?

You've been together for 2 years but haven't let his children? Have you met anyone in his life, friends, family?

Tannyfastic · 17/04/2017 15:18

Others may be happy with it, but they are not in the relationship.
It's about what you can cope with.

If it's excessive for you then have a chat with him about curtailing it.

In the early days of my split/when D.C. were small, I leant on my XH.
I would have been really upset a new partner decided that was 'too much'.

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