Aibu - to expect his ex not to text as much ?

[Crazy4me123]

The title says it all really.
Firstly - I am aware they have young children and a certain amount of contact is needed - I always have excepted that as I have a child too.

Lately though the texts have been a lot more frequent - to the point that his phone goes off four or five time during an evening with me. He doesn't respond whilst with me !

I have to admit the other evening whilst he was out of the room I did check through his messages - she texts randomly, not daily but more than needed. She'll use him as a shoulder to cry on or for advice, or just someone to talk to and he is happy to oblige and engage in conversation. Reams of messages and mainly nothing child related.

Should I be unsettled by this ? Or is it normal.
He will iniate conversation sometimes, following up how she is or asking about things ?

[Minime85]

Sorry I've gone through thread to try and read it all so sorry if I'm covering things already answered. Has he met your dc? I too don't think the issue is about the texting of ex. Not sure how a relationship will move forward when you've been together 2 years but not met his kids. How old are you both as I think that's relevant too. I'd be more impressed he is being a 'good' ex by remaining amicable than being a twat.

[Crazy4me123]

30s. All children are younger than ten. He's met my child but sporadically and not in a blending way.

[Minime85]

Where do you want this to go then? If it isn't in a relationship sense of moving in and living in a family way, do you think you're more worried about that?

[Crazy4me123]

I was hoping it will turn into something serious but i don't know, if he's still too emotionally involved with his past or perhaps he doesn't see this being anymore than it is.

[Minime85]

I think when there are children and years together there is always emotional involvement and if the relationship is amicable that doesn't go away. And I don't think that's a bad thing. It gives you a measure of the person I think in some ways. My ex and I still speak amicably. I ask his advice at times re his profession. As did my dp recently. I wouldnt like it if my dp was texting ex so I do understand. Equally I would want a good relationship between dp and kids

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Why did they break up?

[Crazy4me123]

He fell out of love with her I believe.

[BerlinerBelle]

I'd be having the conversation about where the relationship was going after 2 years.

Personally I wouldn't be OK with my OH constantly texting and emotionally supporting a female friend (ex-wife or not). He has female friends and gives them emotinal support in a crisis, but not on a daily basis. It feels too needy and clingy for me. But other posters say they are fine with it.

What do you want? There's not a lot in any of your posts about how you see the relationship or the future. It all feels a bit passive and wait and see. Do you really like him? Or is he a 'good enough' for now guy too?

[M0nica]

My ex & I are still v good friends. We made a massive effort to be at the start of split for the kids & now we just are. Yabu

[Crazy4me123]

Do you use your ex as an emotional crutch ? Does your ex make a point of remembering things you've told him to strike up conversation ? Do you spend days as a family on a regular occasion ? Just wondering ?

[M0nica]

Not emotional crutch as such but he has problems witj his parents and I mine & obviously spent a lot of time discussing it in the past so yes we do use each other for off loading some of that shit because it would take too long to explain it to anyone else!
No not regularly but Christmas, children's birthdays, school events etc we go to together

[Crazy4me123]

I accept that are parents.
I am a parent and my ex and I do the birthdays etc. We speak cordially and politely and we are civil.

I wouldn't however call him after a bad day at work or text him.
It's not his place nor mine and has nothing to do with parenting.

That's what unsettles me.
They spend time at the park for lunches - day trips as a family and I mostly accept that but when she's texting him and saying she wishes things were different .. it makes me wonder ...

[M0nica]

Does your ex make a point of remembering things you've told him to strike up conversation ?

No not 'strike up' a conversation but we had a hobby in common & obviously had a lot of conversation in the past so those get remembered.

My point is, I wasnt expecting it to turn into a friendship when we split, obviously we had good reason & I dodnt like him v much. But lifes too short to be angry/curt with someone you have to see all the time. The dcs looked so worried & nervous straight after split that we decided we'd do all necessary communication via text & keep it light & friendly for the dc. And its just evolved into being much easier that way in general

[SandyY2K]

How many years have they been split for?

Did you have anything to do with their break up? Did Did leave her for you?

Just that your story sounds like one posted a couple of months ago.

She hadn't met the kids either and the general concensus was of the 'good enough for now GF', but he doesn't view you as a lasting relationship.

Do you know what stops him seeing his children on a more frequent basis?

[Sweets101]

What's stopping you from speaking to him about it? I really think you should if you can.
I don't know after 2 years your relationship does sound like it isn't really processing.
Does she know that you and he are/still together?

[Chops2016]

Do you use your ex as an emotional crutch ?
How often is she relying on your DP for emotional support? Do you even know how often, or is this just assumption on your part that it is very regularly? Are you snooping through his messages often enough to know? I can't help but get the impression you are just putting a negative spin and label "emotional crutch" to your husband supporting a friend (which is completely normal behaviour in friendships!).

Does your ex make a point of remembering things you've told him to strike up conversation ?
Again, taking interest in a somebody elses life and striking up conversation is normal behaviour between friends..

I don't mean to come across as confrontational, but I think you need to take a step back and get some perspective. Your DP hasn't led his ex on or responded inappropriately, and you knew he had "baggage" when you got together. However harsh it sounds, you need to either trust him or leave.

[WannaBe]

IMO this isn't about the fact that the ex texts him, it's about the fact that they have a connection which you don't. You're just his girlfriend, not a partner as you are not a part of his life in the sense that a partner would be iyswim. They are spending time with the children every month and you haven't even met the children yet and they don't even know you exist.

It seems very obvious that he doesn't see you as being in a serious relationship and that you're just a casual fling for him.

While I think that railroading a meeting between new partners and children is a bad idea too soon, I also think that leaving it too long can cause equal resentment for the children who then will be left wondering why their father had been seeing someone for over two years and never thought to mention it to them.

There is IMO nothing wrong with ex's staying friends and even texting in a friendly way. But when the texts between the ex's are out in the open and the new partner is being treated like the dirty little secret it's time to move on.

This relationship has no future. Cut your losses and find someone who wants to be a part of your future.

[Emergencyigloo]

I wouldn't accept it.

My partner was with someone for 15 years and left her because he'd fell out of love. It was amicable, although she was heartbroken. They had no children together (her choice, he just accepted it as she already had teens when they first met).

In our early dating she would phone him at midnight, or evenings, and once when she was having an emotional crisis - for which he dumped me temporarily because he said he felt guilty about being pulled in both directions.

I actively encouraged him back. They continued to communicate. He would get defensive if I brought the subject up.

Eventually it petered out.

I have no doubt they were still emotionally attached to eachother to a degree. I just rode it out.

I think they still communicate infrequently, but I don't raise the subject anymore. It's not worth the argument :/

[Graphista]

"Just that your story sounds like one posted a couple of months ago."

I was just thinking that. It's very similar and iirc the op was the ow and the guy had been kicked out upon the affair being discovered? So hadn't actually chosen the op?

Even if not same op, he's just not that into you is what it boils down to.

Cut your losses you're a place marker

[Isetan]

Two years!!!! Yeah, you're definitely an on hold girlfriend. He's got quite the cushy set up and the lack of boundaries he has with someone he dumped says more about him than it will ever say about her.

This is one of those threads where the Ex gets blamed for the bf's poor boundaries, whilst the bf is portrayed as 'being too nice'. Seriously, why do we fall for this shit and you're right OP, I suspect if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't be happy either but why is snooping through his phone preferable over talking to him.

Why do you think your feelings and opinions regarding your relationship might not be valid?

[Isetan]

He's leading his Ex on by not being straight with her and this is what should be bothering you, not her failure to move on.

[Silverdream]

You said earlier that you have never met his children. That he keeps that part of his life separate.
If you're living together and he is part of your child's life I think him keeping his children separate is not quite right.
It's the right thing to do at the early stages of a relationship but not when it's settled.
There is nothing wrong with having an amicable relationship with your ex but combine it with keeping you separate from his main life raises questions to me.
I think you need to look deeper at how he views your relationship with him.

[Crazy4me123]

We don't live together.
He has his home and I have mine.

Not the ow - although we did get together quite quickly ! Their split was nothing to do with me.

[Mochachinomumma]

Do you read all his messages?
Because there seems to be alot to this than i think you're letting on.

My exes girlfriend (ow) has only met our children less than 5 times and that's down to my ex not wanting her in their lives, he also excludes her from all family events people have told me that the reason he does this is because he sees no future with her (his words) and is only with her because he has nowhere else to live and she buys him pays for everything as she is scared to lose him.

You need to get a backbone and talk to your dp about what the future holds for you both, if he says he's not sure or is happy the way things are then you need to leave, because you are clearly not happy and want something more than what he is currently giving you.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Yanbu. He is over involved with his ex and you haven't met his children after two years. I think you and him need to talk!!