Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Aibu - to expect his ex not to text as much ?

111 replies

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 12:13

The title says it all really.
Firstly - I am aware they have young children and a certain amount of contact is needed - I always have excepted that as I have a child too.

Lately though the texts have been a lot more frequent - to the point that his phone goes off four or five time during an evening with me. He doesn't respond whilst with me !

I have to admit the other evening whilst he was out of the room I did check through his messages - she texts randomly, not daily but more than needed. She'll use him as a shoulder to cry on or for advice, or just someone to talk to and he is happy to oblige and engage in conversation. Reams of messages and mainly nothing child related.

Should I be unsettled by this ? Or is it normal.
He will iniate conversation sometimes, following up how she is or asking about things ?

OP posts:

Report

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 15:18

I have met friends , whom are also our co workers.
His family sporadically.

OP posts:

Lelloteddy · 17/04/2017 15:19

Does he know that you snoop through his phone?

robinia · 17/04/2017 15:22

I think he feels guilty. That's why he replies.
She's wrong really to complain about being lonely and wishing things were different but his response, apologising and no more, is a good one and fits with feeling guilty.
I think I'd be fine with it.

CMamaof4 · 17/04/2017 15:24

Really its not something she should have said and she overstepped the mark so yes I would say that the ex could be blamed for that.
Honestly I would leave him he has excluded you out of the most important part of his life that being his children but is still living it with his ex spending days with her. It speaks volumes about how much care he has for you its been 2 years after all.
Hope your ok op, and things work out for you.

SheldonsSpot · 17/04/2017 15:28

^I have met friends , whom are also our co workers.
His family sporadically.^

Well I guess as they're co-workers then of course you've met them.

Tbh it doesn't sound like he sees you as a significant part of his life.

What are your plans for the future together? At this point, after about 2 years or so, people are usually thinking and talking about where the relationship is going, moving in together, blending families, etc. What does he say about that?

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 17:00

We are just seeing how it goes. Both have busy lives etc.
He doesn't see his children much and the times he does he doesn't want to share them etc.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/04/2017 17:26

DS1's Dad and I text often. We split up over 10 years ago, DS1 has his own phone and chats to his Dad often on it. Ex and I still talk despite this as we've always remained friends.

If it upsets you, talk to him. But don't see it as a threat to what you have with him. Some Ex partners genuinely can hold onto a friendship without it being anything untoward. I'd worry more about you needing to check his phone, though; that signifies that it's a bigger concern to you than it ought to be. Which is why he needs to know (that it worries you).

Eastername · 17/04/2017 17:32

Not RTFT but based on the first few posts, I actually think it's nice and quite healthy. There's no reason they can't have a friendship and as he doesn't respond while with you it doesn't seem like he's being disrespectful to your relationship. Do you think he's still in love with her? Or vice versa?
Maybe it is a bit excessive but I wouldn't see it as a red flag assuming the messages aren't intimate lovey dovey stuff.

You don't want to come across as jealous but if it seems really excessive to you maybe raise it with DP?

Eastername · 17/04/2017 17:35

Oh wow, I should have RTFT. I don't see much of a problem with the messaging but it's really odd you haven't met his children after two years.

Mombie2016 · 17/04/2017 18:22

Why doesn't he see them much? And why after almost 2 years have you not met them? That is definitely odd. Have you actually seen the texts or does he just tell you?

MaisyPops · 17/04/2017 18:40

I'm surprised that after 2 years youve not met them but actually think that is much better than people introducing their kids to whoever theyve been dating for 6 months.

Eastername · 17/04/2017 19:01

Maisy I don't think six months would be unreasonable to introduce children to a new partner in a very relaxed way. Although I might leave it a bit longer. Two years is bonkers though.
OP do you feel he doesn't really want to you to be part of his life? Even if he doesn't see them very much (and I'm curious to know why that is), there's no good reason not to have introduced you by now.

TheNaze73 · 17/04/2017 19:13

I think his actions suggest you are a "holding girlfriend"

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 19:30

What is a "holding girlfriend"? Sorry

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 17/04/2017 19:32

Holding girlfriend.
A girlfriend good enough for now but not enough to make large commitments to.

Chops2016 · 17/04/2017 19:38

Your sentiment that they see each other 2 days a month and should do all the talking they want to do on those days is quite a nasty and controlling attitude imo... Would you say that about his male friends or work friends? He shouldn't only be allowed to have friendly chats on certain days/times.

I do agree that if she is blatantly texting him she misses him and wants him back she is out of order, however your partner has not responded to this, flirted or been leading her on. Cut him some slack. He's being a good dad.

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 19:46

That's not what I meant. I meant more that surely that is time to relay her concerns and woes.
If they were talking about their children then I can understand the constant texts and his need to respond.
The ones that she had sent the night I was with him were around six.
All in quick succession... telling him she's sorry things are as they are.
That she's sorry again.
She wishes things were different !

He just replies saying Hes sorry and that he doesn't know what to say.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 17/04/2017 19:52

So he's being a friend. They successful coparent. He's not leading her on in any way.
She clearly has times where she's struggling and he's being a friend.

I think youre looking for us to say "he should stop all contact other tham kid talk"

Crazy4me123 · 17/04/2017 20:02

Have a moaned about them spending two days out a month together ? Have I said I'd like that to stop ? When others have said that was weird ?
Please don't paint me as some controlling cow when all I wanted to know was should she be using him as a crutch ..

My insecurities stem from this time last year when it turned out he had had a wobble, he wasn't sure what he wanted and they had text a lot more discussing things this was after they were spending time together. she sent me the messages in the end!
He chose me and promised it would be the end of it ... I haven't stopped them spending the time they do all together I just don't understand the need for her to be texting him and telling him she's lonely when it's been such a long time.

OP posts:

BerlinerBelle · 17/04/2017 20:13

OK - first things first. If you feel unsettled by something , that is how you feel. It's not right or wrong - it just is. Other people can tell you they have no problem with it, but that's not really going to help.

But honestly, I don't think this isn't about the texts. I have a feeling they wouldn't matter if you were in a relationship where you were secure about the future. And likewise, I think his ex would be sending far fewer texts if she felt he was serious about you. Two years is a very long time not to meet his kids and I have to agree, it sounds like his pretty unsure of you. What are your plans? What do you see as your future?

MakeItRain · 17/04/2017 20:24

This would bother me. It sounds like she's hoping he'll go back to her. His responses aren't direct enough for her to stop hoping. If he was serious about you he would be explicit - "I'm with crazy4me now, I value you as a friend but that's all." But his "I'm sorry too" type responses, and spending days with her are giving her mixed messages. Coupled with the fact that after 2 years he still doesn't want you to meet his children, it would make me question the relationship.
I think you probably need to talk to him about where he sees your relationship going and see what he says. If he's still vague and unsure after 2 years you probably have your answer.

thefourgp · 17/04/2017 20:26

Ignore posters accusing you of being controlling OP. With what happened last year you've got good reason for concern. I agree with Maisypops that it sounds like you're a 'good enough for now' girlfriend. After two years, if he truly loved you and was excited about your relationship then he would want his children to meet you. Why are you 'just seeing how it goes'? What do you want from this relationship? Someone who proudly introduces you to the other important people in their life or someone who's biding their time with you until someone better comes along? Sorry to be blunt. X

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

muffintopsausage · 17/04/2017 20:38

He's being nice ffs. He's a dad and friends with his ex. It's better than him being a total dick was towards her.

ChicRock · 17/04/2017 20:39

My insecurities stem from this time last year when it turned out he had had a wobble, he wasn't sure what he wanted and they had text a lot more discussing things this was after they were spending time together. she sent me the messages in the end!
He chose me...

Ouch! I'm wincing reading this.

He hasn't really chosen you, has he?

You haven't met his children, any of his real friends, and his family just sporadically. No solid plans for a future together.

And all the while, he knows she's waiting in the background and he's doing nothing to indicate clearly to her that that ship has sailed either.

He's got both of you dangling...

TheStoic · 17/04/2017 20:55

You're worried about the wrong thing.

If you haven't met his kids after 2 years, it's because he doesn't see you in his long-term future.

Is this just a fling for you too? If not, I'd get out now.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.