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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW doesn't know

134 replies

woollystoat · 10/04/2017 13:19

Very long story, which I won't go into (and don't want published in DM)

OW doesn't know stbxh is married/was married when they got together (I think 1 year before we separated). Aside from the fresh set of lies this has dug up for me I feel terrible that she doesn't know. He is manipulative and controlling and has repeatedly lied and cheated. I had previously assumed that she was equally unpleasant, but it seems she's an innocent party.

WWYD?

OP posts:
ProudBadMum · 10/04/2017 13:19

Nothing. Not your problem

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2017 13:21

How do you know she's doesn't know?

And why are you letting it bother you so much,,do you feel you should tell her, maybe try to split them up?

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 13:26

I don't want her to go through what I've been through

OP posts:
ferando81 · 10/04/2017 13:27

She just doesn't want her ,falling for the same lies and deceit she did.

namechange20050 · 10/04/2017 13:29

The problem here is she may well not believe you if you do tell her & your STBXH will just try and make out that you're crazy. It's a difficult position to be in. I feel for you but think it's probably best to try and step away from the situation.

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 13:31

I don't want to go into details but I know it is 100% true. The lies he must have told to keep the fact that we were married, then separated and now going through a divorce from her are huge. We have been married a very long time, with kids and it has been a massively traumatic time (and still is). He has kept all of this from her.

She isn't the first OW

OP posts:
Fanciedachange17 · 10/04/2017 13:36

Photocopy your marriage certificate and stick it through her door then...

or be honest with yourself and admit this is more about your feelings of hurt and betrayal than any "sisterhood". If you tell her, then 1) she may not believe you as you will be the "mad Ex" who is desperate to hang onto her man or 2)They will split up and you will feel somewhat revenged against him or 3) She already knew.

The sweetest revenge is taking care of you, do whatever it takes, look fabulous, new hair, new body, new style and most important, new confidence as you spend time with friends, old and new and try out new things and become happy and relaxed. He is no longer your concern so delete every avenue of contact - no fb spying for example. Shut it all out and get on with your life. It's not easy but the rewards are worth it. Good luck.

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 13:40

Honestly, I know it sounds like I just want revenge but I don't. I feel desparately sorry for her.

He has emotionally abused me for years, the things he did were incredibly cruel. I feel sick having this knowledge

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/04/2017 13:44

You can't help her, she won't want to know.

She may contact you in the future when he's abusing her. Be there then.

krustykittens · 10/04/2017 13:50

Leave it alone, OP. She is in love and your ex has probably painted you as a harpie straight out of Hades. It is unlikely she will listen to anything you say, welcome an approach or not react badly to anything that paints her new beloved in negative light. She will learn what he is really like but she will have to see if for herself. Or, she might never want to open her eyes. That is her choice.

BeyondThePage · 10/04/2017 13:52

back off, walk away, not your problem

as someone said elsewhere - "no longer your circus, nor your monkeys, wave goodbye to that shit".

caffelatte100 · 10/04/2017 13:52

The sweetest revenge is taking care of you, do whatever it takes, look fabulous, new hair, new body, new style and most important, new confidence as you spend time with friends, old and new and try out new things and become happy and relaxed. He is no longer your concern so delete every avenue of contact - no fb spying for example. Shut it all out and get on with your life. It's not easy but the rewards are worth it. Good luck.

This

talksensetome · 10/04/2017 13:52

I think you would help yourself most by stepping back. She won't believe you, she won't want to and his tales of crazy Ex will be gratefully swallowed.

Be glad he is out of your life and concentrate on you. she can look out for herself.

Starlighter · 10/04/2017 13:53

Do you have kids together? Either way, I'd just leave it. It would cause a whole load of tension and trouble which you don't need after all you've been through. She may not believe you and it would just open you up to more upset.

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 13:53

I've spoken to someone who knows her and they've said she is really nice and a bit vulnerable. She has young kids too.

I know the advice is to leave it, but I feel physically sick. I can't eat or sleep.

OP posts:
Oldbrownowl · 10/04/2017 13:55

whilst I think it is actually quite admiral that you want to warn her of the potential nightmare she is about to become involved with, if you do say anything your exdh will just make you out to be jealous, nutty etc. I doubt she will believe you.

I would leave them too it, not your problem anymore

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/04/2017 13:55

I believe your motives 100% OP. I think people suspecting you of revenge maybe don't know how bad really bad relationships can get.

But you know the others are right, she won't want to hear it (would you have done?)

If you can think of any way of reaching out to her in a friendly manner that DOESN'T entangle you further with your horrible ex, that would be more than good of you. Then at least for future reference she knows you are there. And if she ever asks you outright, obviously tell her!

But honestly, focus first on keeping yourself safe and well and moving forward. You can't save everyone he decides to victimize.

Oldbrownowl · 10/04/2017 13:56

seen your update, with young children involved I think maybe you should tell her, it is up to her then to do what she wants with the information.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/04/2017 14:00

Do you think the feeling sick may be because you're reliving it through thinking about her position, it's bringing up your own trauma? Have you had counselling/help etc?

highinthesky · 10/04/2017 14:01

It would be ideal for her to know. Its a question of how the message is delivered. Do you have any friends / acquaintance in common that could be regarded as a credible source?

Ulimately its not your problem. STBXH will eventually hang himself without your assistance.

NancyWake · 10/04/2017 14:01

I would let her know in a non-personal context. Whether she chooses to believe it is up to her.

Women staying schtum about abusive men enables them to keep moving on to the next victim.

One of my mum's best friends married a man that no-one warned her was abusive. She found out when he landed her in hospital. He punched her so hard she has permanent liver damage and is deaf in one ear. All the friends knew as he did the same to his previous aid.

So, I would always warn.

Finola1step · 10/04/2017 14:02

There will come a point when the truth will out, if it hasn't done so already. But the truth doesn't have to come directly from you. You can resolve this in your own head by telling yourself that if she ever wants the full story, then you will tell her.

If however he was abusive to you and you have good reason to believe that he may well be abusive to her and her young dc, then you are well within your rights to speak up. As there are dc involved. But it really does depend on whether you really think they are at risk of emotional and/or physical harm.

If you just want to warn her that he is a liar, save your breath.

NancyWake · 10/04/2017 14:03

wife not aid (!)

HappCatt · 10/04/2017 14:03

Tell the friend who knows her to tell her? Maybe?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/04/2017 14:04

Is there any way you could tell her anonymously?

Is ex likely to be opening her mail, for example?

As you have DCs with Ex, I would try to avoid him knowing that it's you who has done the "informing" as it were.

If you can inform her anonymously, then do so. It will still be up to her to either believe it or not, but at least she will have been warned.