OW doesn't know

[woollystoat]

Very long story, which I won't go into (and don't want published in DM)

OW doesn't know stbxh is married/was married when they got together (I think 1 year before we separated). Aside from the fresh set of lies this has dug up for me I feel terrible that she doesn't know. He is manipulative and controlling and has repeatedly lied and cheated. I had previously assumed that she was equally unpleasant, but it seems she's an innocent party.

WWYD?

Well that's your opinion

I disagree. And was merely stating that. If you don't like threads that carry on after OP has left then you can stop responding, can't you.

And my point was, you don't know OP. You don't know both sides of the story, It came across to me and several other posters that the OP wasn't quite what it seemed.

Splitting hairs over "sticking to the facts" is exactly what I was on about. That the post can be interpreted differently. And bashing other women who say as much isn't fair. Don't know (or care) if it was you specifically, as my post wasn't addressed specifically to you.

Oh, and interestingly it was exactly your post that made me write my last post. You said "no one said anything about being "unfeminist" on "uncaring".

But you also wrote:

*It's profoundly depressing the number on this thread who would not lift a finger to help another woman avoid a noxious man.

Respect to all the women who have said otherwise.*

It's ignorant to suggest that anyone posting advising against getting involved was doing so because they "would not life a finger" to help another woman.

And I'm sorry, but it is not abusive to either woman to lie about when he left his wife, who the new woman obviously knew he had been with at some point.

A shitty, cowardly, atrocious thing to do? Yes. But it's not abuse, and saying so is taking away from actual abuse women go through.

And I'm sorry, but it is not abusive to either woman to lie about when he left his wife, who the new woman obviously knew he had been with at some point.

It is at the very least an abuse. To play with a person's feelings by turning them into an OW without their knowledge, let alone the affect all this has on the wife, is an abuse, IMHO.

I think it IS abusive. I think a person who would lie and play with the emotions of another human being like that is fundamentally abusive. It is purposeful deceit with disregard for the damage it will cause.

That's literally THE most tenuous use of the word abuse ever.

He lied. He lied to get what he wanted.

He lied to cheat. Relationships board is rammed full of cheats.

He is apparently emotionally abusive, manipulative and perhaps even controlling

He also cheated.
He lied.

Not all cheats are abusive.
Liars are not necessarily abusers, they are opportunitists and deceptive.

The op not once considered telling her exes gf about his abuse of her. Only about the being married to her.

Looks like he's rumbled now anyway, so its all immaterial now and op can go back to her life and carry on as she was.

Thank you Hissy, exactly my point.

It is obviously a shitty thing to do, but you cannot class every negative behaviour as abuse and go throwing the word around as suck (and, I think, in *Nancy's" case, trying to make something fit a certain narrative.)

It's wrong, sorry :(

such*