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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW doesn't know

134 replies

woollystoat · 10/04/2017 13:19

Very long story, which I won't go into (and don't want published in DM)

OW doesn't know stbxh is married/was married when they got together (I think 1 year before we separated). Aside from the fresh set of lies this has dug up for me I feel terrible that she doesn't know. He is manipulative and controlling and has repeatedly lied and cheated. I had previously assumed that she was equally unpleasant, but it seems she's an innocent party.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Greystars · 10/04/2017 14:05

I think you sound like a very kind empathetic woman, but also maybe a little lost.

I was in a EA relationship, I may be projecting so if I am I appologise but it might be possible that what i say may ring true for you.

If she is in love with him, she might not see it even if he had a neon sign above his head, it might have been you would have been the same until you realised what was happening.

If you are still a bit lost or shell shocked I think it might be that this your way of trying to make sense of it all, and that it is likely the feelings you have or feeling sick and unable to sleep stem from the abuse and times you went through, by saving her it almost feels like your trying to right the wrong that happened to you.

I may be well of the mark, but I was so lost after what I went through, despite escaping it. I think I would have felt the same as you.

Even if that doesn't ring true to you, I do think you need to be kind to yourself right now and your children. You can't protect everyone from him, but you can focus on you and your children and try to come to terms with what has happened Flowers

Nobody deserves to go though this, but sometimes we need to be selfish and I think it will be harder for you if she doesn't listen to your warning.

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 14:06

Lisa you could be right. It has brought up a whole lot of hurt for me. I had a bit of counselling but it wasn't helpful.

My first reaction when I found out was, that poor woman she needs to know. I didn't initially think of what it meant for me. This was a woman who I had until that point been referring to (in my head at least) as the cunt.

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 10/04/2017 14:08

your obsessive interest in her is not natural and this is not your concern ... stay away and focus on your own family and life x

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2017 14:08

I know the advice is to leave it, but I feel physically sick. I can't eat or sleep

That's quite an extreme reaction op. I'm not sure what to make of that, maybe I'd expect concern, but to feel physically sick and he unable to eat or sleep is a very extreme reaction.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 10/04/2017 14:09

I'm going to go against the grain. If he was abusive - in whatever way - then yes, it feels to me like the moral thing to do is at least try. PPs are probably right that she won't want to know, just like you yourself at the start of your relationship with him might not have wanted to know. But if someone had tried to warn you at the start, even if you went on to discount the warning in those early days, might it not have sensitized you to his behaviour sooner?

So, purely my own view: I think something simple like a PP has said, e.g. sending her a photocopy of your marriage certificate, should be a simple and clean way of going about it. If you can do it calmly and clearly, you could even put a clear, simple summary of facts. Not acrimony and narrative - just facts with no interpretation. Let her make her own mind up or else she's more likely to reject it. Facts can also be checked against outside sources whereas interpretations can't. That might include things like when you met, married, the date you filed for divorce, the reason stated on the motion for divorce, etc..

Ultimately she may chuck it all in the bin and see you as a scorned woman. That's her call. But you've done what (to me) is morally right, and the rest is up to her.

Others of course disagree, judging by this thread, but whatever the case, OP, I wish you the best and hope you find peace and closure. Flowers

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 14:09

Does she know about the DC?
If she is vulnerable and has young DC i think you should tell her.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2017 14:10

This was a woman who I had until that point been referring to (in my head at least) as the cunt

I'm sorry op I do think this is partly about revenge on him.

Cricrichan · 10/04/2017 14:11

Speak to the common friend and get her to talk to her. Even if she doesn't believe it, it will hopefully plant a seed and make her a bit more aware and she can start looking for red flags.

GabsAlot · 10/04/2017 14:11

maybe your friend can tell her?

as the wife shes just not goin g to listen to anything u say he already has manipulated her so why would he tell the truth now

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 10/04/2017 14:12

The only thing I'd add to that is, if you did do something, you would have to live with the possible outcomes that:

(a) you never find out if it changed her mind (and it probably won't), or

(b) you may find out that it had no (apparent) impact on her at all, and possibly even made her angry with you, or

(c) she reads it, chucks him, shakes your hand, and skips off into the sunset.

You probably don't need me to spell out that the likelihood of (c) is very, very slim. So if either (a) or (b) will be hard for you to deal with, then yes, you need to think very carefully before proceeding.

MorrisZapp · 10/04/2017 14:15

From your timeline and calling her a cunt, it appears that it was the affair that ended your marriage, not the abuse?

If so then why would she believe you. You wanted to be with him until he met someone else? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Goodythreeshoes · 10/04/2017 14:16

Does OW know he has kids?

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/04/2017 14:16

I think at the very least OP this has upset you deeply and on a visceral level. That's a warning from your body I think that you may not be thinking quite straight about it.

Lots of good arguments both ways here. I would leave it a few days and do nothing for now. You need to sit quietly with yourself, figure out why you feel like this and what the various outcomes might be. A few days isn't going to make any difference either way.

Brew
Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 14:16

I know my reaction sounds strong - it is hard for me to differentiate between my feelings for wanting to tell her and my feelings of further betrayal (having this information means that I've a whole load more lies, manipulation and general cuntish behaviour from him revealed to me) which is bringing back previous trauma.

I can very easily prove to her what I am saying is true. The divorce petition shows the date we last lived together and is signed by him, I have photos from holiday, Xmas etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 14:18

*This was a woman who I had until that point been referring to (in my head at least) as the cunt

I'm sorry op I do think this is partly about revenge on him.*

No, what I was trying to say there was that I had hated this woman but as soon as I knew what he'd done my feelings were of sympathy for her. That's how strongly I felt about it

OP posts:
Walkingtowork · 10/04/2017 14:22

I think your instinct is admirable. As a child I wanted to warn my stepdad's new partner what he was like (obviously I couldn't). Try the common friend if possible, but remember it's not your fault or your responsibility Flowers

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 14:24

Morris - it was the repeated cheating and manipulation/abuse that made me end the marriage. I should have ended it a long time before, looking back now I can see that but he had fucked up my brain so I couldn't see what was going on.

It's a very long story, it wasn't specifically her that made me end it, but since we split I have found out more stuff which made her look pretty bad (until I found out this latest bombshell) so I wasn't feeling charitable towards her or the terms I used to think of her.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 10/04/2017 14:25

Read further down the thread now. If you genuinely think your ex is a risk to OW's children, lodge a report with the NSPCC. It won't be the first time they have come across this scenario, so they will be able to advise.

You'll then have discharged your duty.

Original poster
woollystoat · 10/04/2017 14:27

She does know he has kids (they're teens and live with me). I know they met her once, he told them she was a friend.

He actually spoke to them on that day about our separation, how sad he was, missed them etc (from what I've been told) but did so whilst she was out of the way so she didn't overhear and say 'what you talking about you've been divorced for years'

OP posts:
minipie · 10/04/2017 14:33

I agree with doing it via the mutual friend, if possible. I doubt she'll listen coming from you.

Hissy · 10/04/2017 14:36

I know the advice is to leave it, but I feel physically sick. I can't eat or sleep.

My love, your motivation for this is not her, really it's not. It shines through that this is about how YOU are processing things, that YOU are projecting your experiences and it's not about her. She has her own situation to deal with.

I know you feel like you are doing this from a good place, and yes its dangerous for her to be with a man as bad as this, but if someone had come to you in the early blooms of your relationship with your Ex, you would not have taken it kindly. You are using the excuse of her and the kids as a reason to get involved. You're scratching an itch, on fragile skin that didn't need to be scratched.

I speak as a former DV abuse victim, I would not have listened (then) had someone come to talk to me, and I would have ignored and swallowed the lies. Added to this your ex will gaslight the shit out of her and you are probably the 'Crazy Ex'

I agree with the NSPCC suggestion, then drop it.

floraeasy · 10/04/2017 14:37

I have an ex from years back - completely different situation to yours. My ex has a violent temper. I moved away so not involved at all with him. No feelings of bitterness or anything like that.

But I must say, if I got the opportunity to stop someone going through what I went through, I'd be sorely tempted.

The thing is, even if you manage to stop this relationship in his tracks, your ex will just move onto someone else. Someone you don't know about.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2017 14:37

I think it's normal to tell your children about seperation on your own and to not have a new partner there op, I'm sorry, in that he did what was right for the kids. It's also normal to introduce her as a friend at first to not upset the children first.

I think this is all understandably mixed up in your head. Why call her a cunt if the end to the marriage was your decision and nothing to do with her and she was simply one of many? Calling her a cunt makes it sound like you blamed her.

BonnyScotland · 10/04/2017 14:39

I'm inclined to think you simply want to rub this information in the OW face.... you even have proof that he was still married etc..... who does that ? She will think you jealous and crazy x

FlyAwayPeter · 10/04/2017 14:41

Not.Your.Problem.

You sound well shot of him ...