OW doesn't know

[woollystoat]

Very long story, which I won't go into (and don't want published in DM)

OW doesn't know stbxh is married/was married when they got together (I think 1 year before we separated). Aside from the fresh set of lies this has dug up for me I feel terrible that she doesn't know. He is manipulative and controlling and has repeatedly lied and cheated. I had previously assumed that she was equally unpleasant, but it seems she's an innocent party.

WWYD?

He wasn't physically abusive

Bluntness - he wasn't telling them about the separation, he just wanted to talk about it whilst they were visiting him after we had separated. The DCs told me at the time that it was weird because she was out in the garden (middle of Winter).

BonnyScotland - proof as in our holiday photos, that's not weird is it? And I have the divorce papers as we are in the middle of divorcing. It's just normal stuff that is lying around. We've only been separated 6 months. I wasn't going to present this to her - I just mentioned it as people said she wouldn't believe me. I was pointing out it's easy enough to prove.

I am in the same situation and couldn't imagine telling OW. One of the huge benefits of being without STBXH is that I no longer have to think about all his crap - I don't have to dwell on it for a single moment! It's liberating.

If OW did ever contact me I would simply ignore - I wouldn't even tell DH. I am relishing the mental freedom I have now we are apart.

My ex mentally and emotionally abused me for years. His new(est) g/friend seems like a really nice girl, and I so desperately want to warn her to get out while she still can, but I know she's just seeing the prince charming side of his narcissism, and won't believe me. I'll come across as the bitter ex who wants to split them up. I just don't want him to damage her like he damaged me.

My advice would be to stay out of it.

rabaria - I want to be like that!

Honestly - don't waste the mental energy on this. The nicest person in the world - to their friends - can turn into a raging arsehole if they feel threatened or jealous.

You're caught in a trap though OP. Why would she believe bad things about him if your proof of how bad he is is how recently you yourself went on holiday with him? That seems more like proof that you didn't want your marriage to end.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I really do appreciate it.

Seems to be almost unanimously advising me to do nothing and so I can comfort myself with knowing that's considered the 'right thing' to do.

If she does ever contact me I will answer any questions she has.

I too am worried about your motivation here.

I worry you might be manifesting your jealousy and mixed feelings towards your ex into this need you have to warn OW against him.

Speaking from the other side, when I started seeing my OH, I received a bunch of erratic messages on social media from his ex, explaining (in graphic detail) how abusive he was, and how she was "only trying to warn me, for my sake". Cue me being very conflicted, thinking surely no woman would say thing stuff without justification, but it didn't fit in with the man I (albeit briefly) knew. It is a little different though, because although they had a child together they had been split up for over a year before I came along.

We have now been together years, and it's very clear that she was lying, and simply didn't want OH to be with me. I'm not saying that's what your doing, but it became quite clear that she would never let this narrative go. It is still what she spouts today (but has taken on many, many variations). And I genuinely think sometimes that she has convinced herself it's the truth.

My point is, and this sounds very blunt and horrible, considering what you feel you've been through, but they had an unhappy relationship. He was only with her because she immediately got pregnant, they were very young, and she has clearly twisted the outcomes of having an unhappy relationship into what she now labels as abuse. She never wanted to protect me from him, despite her constant insistence and becamse quite obsessed with me and with my relationship with OH. I'm telling you this because, like some other posters, I feel like there is something going on the surface, and can't help but feel you aren't being entirely honest with yourself.

If I were you, I would let her come to her own conclusion, if he has never been harmful to your kids. I would move on with your life and not dwell on his life or relationships. Good luck

Morris - I wasn't going to contact her to tell her how bad his behaviour is, I was going to just tell her that he was married when he said he wasn't. So he was cheating on both of us.

Sorry cross posted, good decision

The OW in our case didn't know that my ex had children. Right up until the day their daughter was prematurely born and suddenly (because it was my ex's access day) there was a small boy in tow with a very angry mother chasing said ex (who also ended our relationship that day, 8 years ago last January) to bring our son home again and how dare he...?!

The OW is now my children's stepmother. And she's lovely. Genuinely lovely. I trust her far more than I do my ex. However. I'm not entirely sure she knows when her husband and I broke up (or, indeed, if she knows about the affairs he's had since... we went to school together, the ex and I, and we have a lot of mutual friends in common who let things slip). I'm not going to be the one to tell her anything. I figure that it's no longer anything to do with me, as long as she does right by my children (which she does), then fair enough.

But that's by the by now. Whether he "cheated" on her with his wife she's with him now. Why would she care?

I think everyone is assuming that, despite your altruistic expressions of concern for the OW, you're doing this out of revenge.

That's because it would be only human to want to have some kind of say, some kind of answer, or revenge.

My guess is that you've been blaming this woman for a long time, and now you've discovered it's actually your exP who is in the wrong, you feel a bit guilty about that, too.

But I also totally believe you that there's an altruistic person there too, who has had the scales fall from her eyes, and who genuinely wants to help.

Most of us when facing really big decisions have quite mixed and nuanced - and sometimes contradictory - motives.

There is no urgency about this. I would take time to pause and reflect - and I mean weeks, not hours. Sometimes the answer becomes far clearer with time, as our motivations often sort themselves out.

Yeah I think that motive is a little less noble, and (forgive me I'm wrong) contradicts your OP completely? I thought you felt sick and couldn't eat or sleep because he was so abusive and she had little children?

"Proving" to her you were still married when they got together is a different kettle of fish completely.... I hope you do just keep out of it, for everyone's sake. The ones who will suffer most is your children when things get bitter and civility breaks down (which it will, if you feel compelled to start talking to her)

She deserves all the facts.
I'd tell her.

I'd do nothing. Abusers talk their way out of everything anyway and he'd know you told her , which you'd end up paying for one way or another.

Focus on you , have a lovely day , buy that book/top/random thing you've had your eye on for ages...get something nice in for dinner. Take care of yourself.

Just wondering, what's wrong with revenge? Given it only involves telling the truth.

"Revenge" if you were a childless couple and any new/Other partners are childless - meh, whatever makes you feel better.

Revenge when there are children involved, is not a good road to go down. They will suffer the consequences of the broken down relationship anyway, and spiteful acts will only intensify this.

Philosophically speaking, minipie? It's probably the unhealthiness of the motive behind it and how that will sit in the OP's head from here on out. There's a saying from a culture somewhere that "revenge is the sword with no hilt". Essentially, it hurts the vengeful one as much as the target, whether directly in consequences, or indirectly from the ongoing poison of staying angry and bitter about the situation.

If the OP could be sure that her motive really is that altruistic, objective, and selfless, then she could reflect back in future years on the fact that she had potentially upset and hurt another woman to achieve a higher, better purpose (e.g. keeping this woman and her kids safe). But if she does it out of revenge and hurts another woman merely as a way to hurt him, it will be harder to square that away. The actions stay the same but the consequences change it all.

Brilliantly put, ForTheSake :)

If this is about protecting the OW (or arming her with the truth so she can make an informed decision) then let the mutual acquaintance tell her your side of the story.
Firstly, she is more likely to believe the mutual friend. Secondly your ex was EA. Don't give him any ammunition he can use against you. He is a manipulative liar. He's accomplished at spinning events/stories/facts to get his own way. Anything you say to the OW, give to her or write to her could potentially end up in his hands and then used against you.
I understand the urge to warn her. Your knowledge of your ex's true nature has been hard won and you want to make it an easier process for her. But, you are the person she is least likely to listen to, atm.

Fair point Cherries. I had assumed the relationship with STBXH was pretty much kaput anyway.

FortheSake but what if both are true? What the OP's motive is partly revenge (if she's honest with herself) but the motive and consequence is also to maybe protect this other woman and her kids? In that case should the OP not do it just because part of her motive is revenge?

Truthfully, minipie, I don't know. On balance I'd figure it better to do it than not (you'll not I'm in a very distinct minority here, though) on the basis that it might just bring about good. It's still pretty dubious to do an action that may bring about good whilst motivated by a bad intention, though.

I am in the same situation and couldn't imagine telling OW. One of the huge benefits of being without STBXH is that I no longer have to think about all his crap - I don't have to dwell on it for a single moment! It's liberating

This is very healthy and well done you. And the same to the poster who said she places her children first and foremost and if the OW is good to them that's all that matters to her. Both really healthy attitudes and the only road to go down to be happy.💐

Why would anyone consider saying anything? Really don't get that