OW doesn't know

[woollystoat]

Very long story, which I won't go into (and don't want published in DM)

OW doesn't know stbxh is married/was married when they got together (I think 1 year before we separated). Aside from the fresh set of lies this has dug up for me I feel terrible that she doesn't know. He is manipulative and controlling and has repeatedly lied and cheated. I had previously assumed that she was equally unpleasant, but it seems she's an innocent party.

WWYD?

The truth always comes out one way or another, When it does she'll probably dump him.

Wish someone had warned me of the shit i was about to go through before the damage was done.

I find the general presumption that OP must be acting from jealousy or revenge really irritatingly misogynist. Maybe you're all really jealous women who can't envisage having any other motivation in that situation, I don't know. If you're not I can only assume you've got your female stereotypes from the Daily Mail.

OP has realised that this woman is a nice, normal, vulnerable person who's already been fucked over by a colossal arsehole and is about to get fucked over some more.

It's perfectly natural in that situation to want to warn the next victim. Whether it would have any effect I've no idea. But in that situation I'd want to know. That's the whole point of Clare's Law - to give women the info upfront, so they know what they're getting themselves into.

Wish someone had warned me of the shit i was about to go through before the damage was done.

Quite.

I can't believe everyone is warning you not to tell her. You could spare this woman pain. Maybe she won't listen to you, maybe your ex will spin it that you're a lying psycho, but at least your conscience would be clear that you'd tried to give an innocent woman a heads up about what she was getting into.

Could the mutual friend tell her? That might be a kinder way to come across (and less likely she'll think it's sour grapes if it's coming from a 3rd party she knows already).

Tatiana I am a feminist. It doesn't mean that women are immune to jealousy and mixed emotion and conflicting feelings. The OP and subsequent post have many plenty of posters wonder if the OP's motives are as clear cut as she says.

She has even clearly said that she would not tell this woman about the emotional abuse she says her partner inflicted. She said she only wanted to tell her that they were married. Why? Surely a sisterly and caring thing to do would be to at least attempt to tell this woman that she felt abused at the hand of this man. Intentionally leaving that information out, while wanting to "prove" to this woman that she and the ex were actually married while there relationship was beginning, sounds to me like quite a different scenario than what those saying she should say something describe.

OP last update proves what we've said.

This is not altruism, this is ner-ner-nerner-ner

ok, to try and clear up the actual situation and not what people are reading between the lines -

My husband was not physically abusive to me and was not abusive to our children.
I am not fearful of him being a danger to her children, but merely that if he is a bastard to her that it will impact on them.

Him being married to me is irrefutable fact. Him being emotionally abusive could be considered a matter of opinion and not proveable, that is what I meant. I'm not saying it wouldn't be mentioned but that was not the primary reason to contact her, as I agree that she would likely dimiss it.

Anyhow this is all immaterial now

I think you should warn her of what he was like to you. If she ignores you now then at least she's forewarned in case he starts abusive to her.

How does your ex plan to keep this a secret? Surely your kids will mention something about Christmas or a holiday or when someone was sick or any one of a million things that will show that you haven't been divorced for years. As they are teenagers they will hardly have time mixed up.
Or will he ask them to lie??

Can't the person who told you that she is vulnerable tell her? I don't understand why they hadn't already told her if they believe her to be vulnerable.

I don't doubt your motives, OP, as I remember having similar thoughts. My ex didn't cheat on me as far as I know but he was emotional abusive and violent.

I really wanted to warn his fiancée about him, but didn't. Years later I heard that his wife said that I had warned her and said such and such, which was exactly what I had wanted to say. Must have been telepathy! Still even my telepathy didn't save her.

Genuinely, why do you actually care op?

It's not to protect her, she's not at "risk" of physical harm...

She knew you were around and trya you had kids.

This isn't because you feel sorry for her. You want to prove a point.

The truth will out. That's her lookout.

I really hope that if I'm about to enter into a relationship with a cheat or an abuser that someone is kind enough to tell me. It always surprises me the number of women who are prepared to let other women get shat on.

Maybe she won't believe you. But what if she does?

You can't help her, she won't want to know.

How can you possibly know that? If she was aware all along that he was married/separated then I'd agree there isn't any point in the OP (his wife/ex) trying to sway her opinion of him. But if the OP has good reason to believe that this woman has been duped and lied to and has no idea that she has been involved with a man who was still living as man and wife with the OP then surely she should be told.

Tell her in a manner which won't affect your safety or that of your children.

She deserves to know he's a liar and I think others in her position would want to know.

Having this happen to a dear friend of mine I'd say tell the OW.
My friend was in a relationship for over a year, had met many of her BF's friends and his brother (who all went along with his les), met a woman with dementia who she was told was his mother (turned out to be his best mate's mother), he even said he was called a different name ;his middle name which apparently his mates and brother call him, but her not knowing his real name meant it backed up his claim of not being on social media so again he covered his tracks.
He was a contract worker that had to work up and down the country so she didn't question why sometimes he would only see her a couple times a week and others it would be 5-6 nights.
His wife and mother of his children found out and she went round to DF's to confront her, that's when the wife realised that DF hadn't a clue and sadly by this point DF was 3 months pregnant.
The bastard is now out of the picture for all of them, he took off to another city I think, but both women unintentionally became sort of friends. They don't go out socialising but they do pop round to each other's every couple of weeks for a brew etc. as they wanted their children to know each other at the very least.
My DF was always great full to the wife for telling her about his lies and preventing her from giving away years of her life to a lying, cheating bastard.

Although if you do tell OW OP, do be prepared that she may not want to hear it, or that your STBXH could have fed her with bullshit about you so she doesn't believe you, it's a risk that telling her could backfire and cause you more aggro than you need.

Hissy you've misunderstood, she has no idea about me.

As I said earlier though, it is now immaterial. There have been developments since the start of the thread, not initiated by me.

and yes, grateful is a good word to use

But what difference would it make, really? Is the OW even going to listen, let alone change her life in response to hearing this information?

I think the OP should keep silent and retain her dignity. Whatever the OW knew, she made her choices. I don't think the OP should make herself potentially vulnerable by showing the OW any of her feelings. The OP risks being ridiculed or attacked. The OW wont thank her.

Stay silent and keep your dignity.

You missed my last post

Hope you're okay OP and none of the fallout lands on you.

Well I hope your original question is resolved now. Actually I don't think it changes my view- that this is now not your problem and that you should rise above it all and get on with your life.

You know what is the best revenge? Giving no fucks whatsoever about your ex and the OW.

I was just remembering this morning how, 15 years ago, DPs ex (from whom he'd separated on friendly terms) tried to tell me, very gently, about his anxiety and depressive tendencies (which have gone on to become quite problematic at times) in a "he's not always such a bundle of laughs" kind of way, at a friend's party when we first got together. I remember thinking "that may well have been the case with you, but things will be different with me". So arrogant! When we're going through a bad patch I have at times wished she'd been a bit more forceful, or that I'd had the sense to value another woman's experience. I get that it's a different situation, ie dp's MH isn't his fault, but I am grateful that she tried to forewarn me. And if you really feel it's important, surely it doesn't matter how it makes you look, whether vindictive or gloating (unless he's likely to become violent, or make your life difficult as a result), you will have stepped up and tried to warn her. I second whoever said upthread that those who advise leaving it, quite possibly lack the imagination to emphasise with how shit and scary a properly bad relationship really can be.

I was told the truth by one of my married lover's friends. I was very grateful as I'd been well and truly conned that he was divorced. I dumped him instantly. If OW doesn't know, telling her might spare her a lot of pain.