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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH can be so confrontational and belligerent and it exhausts me

113 replies

lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:14

DH is amazing. Kind and attentive and loving.

But in day to day circumstances he can take offence over some sort of perceived slight and become so rude and obnoxious. It's embarrassing and such a bad example for the children.

What can I do?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 06/04/2017 13:15

Stop calling him amazing for a start.

If someone is a bit of a prick, recognise it.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:22

That isn't very helpful Elspeth

OP posts:
Bloggybollocks · 06/04/2017 13:24

Well he's not kind OR amazing if he behaves like that is he?!
What are some examples of his behaviour?

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:26

I don't know how to explain as if I write it down it sounds polite but it's not it's rude and snide?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2017 13:31

Can you just call him out on it every time?
Explain that it's rude and embarrassing and he needs to stop it?

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 06/04/2017 13:34

My dad is like this - he blows up at people over the slightest thing and is wholly rude and belligerent when dealing with people on the phone or in shops. We all cringe.
Call him on it EVERY time.

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 13:39

Is it directed at you and only you, or other people?

Is it all the time or are there triggers? eg drink

I would pull him up on it every time. Calmly telling him that you do not deserve him to take that tone with you.

In addition, if he does not 'get' that you start to ostentatiously speak to him in the same way - point out to him that that is how he speaks to you and you do not like it any more than he would.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:43

It's only ever other people.

Just been to a garden centre for lunch and the woman serving was a bit dismissive. DH was like
'Are you SURE this is no trouble? I mean, I understand this is a HUGE ask ...' really sarky?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/04/2017 13:43

How can he be amazing but yet on a day to day basis an obnoxious prick, so he's basically an obnoxious prick with some nice days scattered in between; not what I'd be tolerating, nor should you; if it's daily then it's probably just who he is so you either accept it and suffer his outbursts or you say enough is enough, and do something yourself.

Such an awful role model for your children to be watching.

Esoteric · 06/04/2017 13:49

Im married to someone like this --sometimes at me, sometimes at other people, not like this in work dealings,
its particularly bad when he is driving.
It is very wearing OP. I am pretty easy going and inside I am often flinching. My OH shouted "prick" to someone very loudly who bumped into him and didnt apologize to him the other day. Now that was indeed the case, the guy was "a prick" but it just makes me feel lousy all day. It has got way worse as he has got older.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:50

DH has got worse as he's got older as well.

OP posts:
Bloggybollocks · 06/04/2017 13:51

I'm thinking of Ben stiller's 'mr angry' character in friends....

Bloggybollocks · 06/04/2017 13:53

Sounds like he's got massive self esteem problems if he has to make other people feel small and humiliated in order to feel like a man. I couldn't be married to a man who treated others that way.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:56

He's not angry like shouty and threatening to hit people. Sarky and snide.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/04/2017 13:56

Hmm, that's hard. What would you do in similar circumstances?(garden centre woman). Me, I'd think to myself that whatever problem that person has is not my problem and I remain calm that way

His line seems to be to retaliate, to not let anything go by - and you think that's because he interprets everything as an attack/slight on him?
Ishe particularly pissed off if it's someone who is 'serving' him in some way? That's a pretty unattractive trait because it suggests he thinks he's better than him (or ironically, his ego is so fragile he can't 'take' mild slights from people he percieves to be beneath him)

I think there's such a thin line between assertion and aggression, and he seems to get it wrong.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 06/04/2017 13:57

Spell put to him that leaving the house with a stroppy teen in a man's body is becoming intolerable. .

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 13:59

Is something going on at work ? Is he acting out something he can't control at work?

I must say, there is not much worse that going out with someone who embarasses you when out and about.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:01

Yes, I suppose I do feel edgy and worried with him a lot of the time. But then the woman serving wasn't polite either. I don't know!

OP posts:
Megatherium · 06/04/2017 14:01

Make it clear to him that unless he grows up and learns to behave like a reasonable adult with other people, you and the DC won't be able to go out with him. There's no reason why you should get your restaurant meals spat in because he's been objectionable with the waiter, and certainly the example he is setting is doing the children no favours.

Bloggybollocks · 06/04/2017 14:02

Does he demand perfection in other areas of his life too? Sounds like he has no tolerance at all.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:02

I'd pull him up every time in fact I'd walk away from him; that's a horrible way to be and to make others around you suffer it; no need.

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:03

Is it always that the other person has done something that' you find not quite right?

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:03

How do you mean sorry yoda? :)

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 06/04/2017 14:03

My husband is like this. Especially in the car. He was by his mother who thinks the sun shines out of his arse so can be quite arrogant and at times I find rude. I'm not confrontational he however is. I find it embarrassing as he's quite blunt. Doesn't make a difference how often I mention it to him. He's immature in a lot of ways and this side of him is deeply unappealing. No advice just sympathy.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:05

Thanks for the understanding MsQueen! :)

OP posts:
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