DH can be so confrontational and belligerent and it exhausts me

[lemondriftwood]

DH is amazing. Kind and attentive and loving.

But in day to day circumstances he can take offence over some sort of perceived slight and become so rude and obnoxious. It's embarrassing and such a bad example for the children.

What can I do?

@lemondriftwood they sound really alike. My dh isn't a prick but has a lot of prick traits. He's mostly like it when he's crossed as it were or if we disagree.

Have you sat him down and explained that you find his behaviour unappealing? I have with my dh but to no avail so far.

You sound like you're a bit afraid of him OP. He is a prick, he's rude and obnoxious to people when they don't behave exactly like he wants them too. You're on here asking for help on micro managing his behaviour, the problem isn't you, it's not other people either, it's him. Every time you don't say something you validate his behaviour, I'd say he's controlling you too. He isn't kind OR amazing, he's an obnoxious prick.

Have you ever talked to him about how he speaks to other people?

Avoid going out places with him. Tell him you're embarrassed by the "public him".

There's a good chance your DC will turn out like him, sadly.

Well he isn't like that all the time in public but it's embarrassing when he is

So do you say anything to him?

Sometimes yoda but it's generally pointless.

That actually must be really tough; life is hard enough without a joy sucking aggressive man such as he to make it even more miserable; you've probably unwittingly conditioned yourself to ignore it or stay quiet so as not to inflame him further; it's really not a life you should have to suffer OP; give him the chance to change his ways but honestly, years and years of this ahead would be pretty depressing don't you think?

I think you end up accepting it. If he's like my dh he's probably not a prick just immature. What's his background like? My dh comes from a family with people who are quite simple and at times their behaviour isn't what you'd expect nor appropriate so I'm not sure he's been taught what is or isn't acceptable. It's not an excuse as he's now a grown up and should see especially if he's not like it at work.

I've ended up accepting it though I do think my dh doesn't realise that it has destroyed part of our relationship and has put me off him.

You sound exhausted.

Both of you

I think with my DH he's had to look after himself from an early age and prove himself a bit maybe, too?

My dh has come from a poor background and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. It is difficult if I'm unhappy and I'm asking him to do something he gets defensive. I wonder if it's an esteem thing. I don't know.

this is also my husband. i cringe when he does this. someone innocently stepped in front of him the queue at a pub, he literally stepped on the back of the mans shoes. said man said can you give me some space? husband said you have enough. he can be such a dick.

That is awful wizzy, I hope you left him standing alone; these men are just bullies who never grew up or learned to be compassionate and caring.

I also find his moods get pushed onto me - "stop stressing out!"

I'm not! YOU were

You say that he doesn't behave like that with you because you're not rude to him, but what happens when you disagree with him about something (which must happen on occasion)?

My father often displays this sort of childish behaviour. I think people who do this don't realise how they're perceived by those who are on the other end of it, or random observers. They think that the shop assistant (or whoever) is going to be overawed by their scintillating wit, whereas in reality they're thinking what a numpty the person is.

Hugely embarrassing for spouses and other family members who are in tow. My father's behaviour at least taught me on no account to make a similar idiot of myself . You have my sympathy, OP.

Amazing he is not

I try not to disagree with him Ham as I just feel it's not worth the fuss

Well OP, if you did disagree with him you'd probably find that he'd be rude and snarky to you. Perhaps he is charming to you because you tread on egg shells around him?

I'm normally the first to criticise on these sorts of threads but actually my dad was and can still be a bit of a knob to the general public eg waiters etc. It used to embarrass us all loads but despite this, he was an amazing dad. However, my mum never managed to make him change. I think if, like my dad, the rest of his qualities are very redeeming then you probably have to just ignore it.

Loving and attentive but you are too frightened to stand up to him ?

I think Anyfucker it depends what you get back. My dh gives me a load of flannel and still does it. He has some good qualities but the crap one like this overshadows.

Whatever you "get back" is not worth it