DH can be so confrontational and belligerent and it exhausts me

[lemondriftwood]

DH is amazing. Kind and attentive and loving.

But in day to day circumstances he can take offence over some sort of perceived slight and become so rude and obnoxious. It's embarrassing and such a bad example for the children.

What can I do?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a bit of a nob, frankly.

Onion - it's hard to be a "great man" when you are - and I quote from the op - confrontational, belligerent, rude, obnoxious and embarrassing to be with.

I agree that no one is 100% bad, but by saying what you have you have encouraged the OP to put up with very upsetting behaviour.

It's hard as I'm not nice all the time so maybe I have too high standards.

Your standards are way too low

AF

I think that what you say about inadequacy is correct. I know someone like that too.

The OP's husband has developed a certain way in reaction to what he experienced earlier in life. The man I know is like this too., and is not able to show much in the way of insight when challenged.

I wonder, OP if he is capable of acknowledging the way he reacts to things and whether he can understand that it's a sign of his inadequacy and work to change it.

If you don't confront him with that, what's the rest of your marriage going to look like?

Could he change?

OP - you are either going to have to spend your life being embarrassed or you are going to have to speak to him seriously about his behaviour.

Best not to even think about how embarrassed and upset your children are going to be.

My father ruined every occasion of my childhood

Supercilious comments to waiting staff. Patronising drivel in company. Unsubtle putdowns to the people around him. Tactless and hurtful "jokes" against those not in a position to answer back.

Embarrassing. Humiliating. Made his kids the butt of the neighbour's pity and contempt.

This stuff matters. It's not good enough that he "can be lovely". I believe Hitler was a charming man. It ruins respect and it destroys relationship bonds. I hate my father but I hold my mother in a special kind of disdain. She had a choice and she chose him over the emotional wellbeing of both herself and her children.

Does any if that register, op ?

He wont ever change op!! Its up to you if youre going to live with that forever more.

It's hard as I'm not nice all the time so maybe I have too high standards

Jesus, no, nobody should have to be anxious about going out in public with their partner and worried about what he's going to do and say; and that's without him even had a drink, scary!

OP, honestly tell him and tell him every time he embarrasses himself, or a shop assistant or whoever, you are walking away and do it, let him see how you find his behaviour obnoxious; surely it's worth a try.

When you write this I don't think I'm scared of him it is more that I mostly can't be bothered arguing for (as I see it) the sake of it?

I read it as this I don't think I'm scared of him it is more that I mostly can't be bothered arguing for (as I see it) proper respect for myself

I've written on here before. My father was the same as AF's. It has had an impact on the closeness with my DM, too, unfortunately. Don't let that happen to you.