DH can be so confrontational and belligerent and it exhausts me

[lemondriftwood]

DH is amazing. Kind and attentive and loving.

But in day to day circumstances he can take offence over some sort of perceived slight and become so rude and obnoxious. It's embarrassing and such a bad example for the children.

What can I do?

He's not amazing you've normalized his behaviour, I speak from experience. I can see it even more now we are separated, you should not be scared. I was too, I only realized once he left,

I'm not exactly scared of him but a lot of the time whatever point I'm making isn't worth arguing over, just not important?

So you modify your opinion and behaviour to avoid incurring his disapproval ?

Does he ever do that for you ?

This is what people mean when they say 'Marriage is hard work".

No it shouldn't be. Not saying what you feel, being embarrassed when out, modifying your behaviour. All hard work, but not most marriages

No, I suppose not

Sounds like a dictatorship. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

These threads always turn out the same. The penny hasn't dropped for you yet op, but it will.
You modify your behaviour so as not to anger him therefore he believes he's always right, you give him carte blanche to behave how he likes because he knows you're not going to fight your corner, you've placed yourself firmly at the bottom of this relationship, and he knows it.

Sad to see it played out here

And they all start with "My dh/dp is amazing, but..."

He can be. I'm not saying he's faultless but he can be so lovely.

Always AF, always. The sad thing is, if he was indeed kind and amazing and the op genuinely thought that then she wouldn't start a thread would she.....
I hope this thread has you questioning your marriage op, you need to. It's not normal, 'good' marriages are not like this, nothing like this.

On his own terms. When you stfu and agree with him. When perfect strangers show him the "respect" he thinks he deserves.

That is not "lovely". It is the mindset of a narcissisistic prick.

If you said to him something like 'Well, I see it differently, but hey, that's life sometimes', would he let that go? Or would he keep on and on until you agreed with him, even if you did so in a lukewarm fashion 'mm, yes, I suppose so'?

Would he be so lovely if you tackled him about the very subject you started a thread about? I'll bet you won't tackle him though, from your first post it's very obvious you're scared of him. Again, that's not normal.
In your marriage you should feel safe, secure and happy to raise any problems/issues/grievances. You should be listened to, things should be discussed rationally and a solution or compromise reached. Nobody should be shouted down, talked down to, made to feel stupid or as though they're wrong/that their opinion doesn't matter.
You refuse to even have a discussion with him because in your own words 'it's just not worth it' and that's really really sad and unhealthy.

The thing is, op, what would happen if you did openly express your opinion without tiptoeing around him? Would he the be sarcastic and unpleasant to you as well?

This isn't good, I'm afraid.

Cross post with Bloggy, who has put it much better than me.

What makes you afraid to go it alone without this albatross round your neck?

You are not doing yourself or your kids any favours.

Fuck him. If he can't be polite and kind to those he lives with, well, I wouldn't want to live with someone like that. And certainly not model his behavior to my kids growing up.

You have a choice you know.

He has a choice too to decide how to deal with his anger. But he would prefer to spew it out into the world. Fuck that.

Yep. I left a nasty husband too. It's hard bringing kids up alone but so much better than a toxic person around 24/7.

Wish you all the best.

I had one of these. Got rid. No regrets.

It's really hard to explain. I think the things that jump out are about demanding respect from people.

I don't think I'm scared of him it is more that I mostly can't be bothered arguing for (as I see it) the sake of it?

Its aggressive and trying to act like the big hard man. It boils down to insecurity really.

My dh isn't a prick but has a lot of prick traits.

Can I ask what your definition of a prick is, if it's not "having a lot of prick traits"?

Op, my father is just like your husband

I lost respect for him at about the age of 8 when it dawned on me that not all dad's were inadequate twats

Him and my mother are still together and he still embarrasses her in company. Every body feels sorry for her and wonders why the fuck she is still with him and facing old age having to appease his ego

We ate pretty much non contact despite only living a few miles apart. My mother suffers the loss of closeness with her children and grandchildren because she put him and his ridiculous moods before them

Don't let that be you

You could tell him you don't like that behaviour and ask him not to do it again. And then repeat, when he does it, "Please don't talk to people like that. It's rude." See how that goes. If he is genuinely nice apart from this one thing, he'll stop it. If he's an arse, he'll carry on with it.

That's sobering AF

Oh here we go, it would seem from a short description people know your DH enough to judge him. Nobody is perfect and we are ALL capable of being a dickhead and over reacting. Bit much to write the ops DH off tbh. So he's got a shitty behaviour, the op is still entitled to believe he's a great man over all. It's very black and white to assume he can't be a bit of a nob at times but overall a good DH.