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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH can be so confrontational and belligerent and it exhausts me

113 replies

lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 13:14

DH is amazing. Kind and attentive and loving.

But in day to day circumstances he can take offence over some sort of perceived slight and become so rude and obnoxious. It's embarrassing and such a bad example for the children.

What can I do?

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:05

Sorry, I phrased that really badly Grin

Does he do it only when the other person has been rude, or made a mistake?

In other words, you or I might feel upset, but it's the way he reacts that's over the top?

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:05

Yes, that's right!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:08

It sounds like he needs assertiveness training.

I can recommend a good book but unfortunately it's called 'A Woman In Your Own Right; Assertiveness and you'

Might be good for you to read to gain some insights

Speakeasy22 · 06/04/2017 14:08

Agree with Elspeth that he's not amazing. And it is helpful to point this out to you if you don't see it.

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:10

.... just to say, that the reason I say assertiveness is that being confrontational and sarky is not the same as being assertive and it doesn't make you feel good in the long run

(it certainly doesn't make you feel good, OP)

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:11

Sorry but he's an adult, he doesn't need trained in respect and good manners; he's choosing to be a cunt OP; I'd not tolerate it; I bet he's got a few people back's up with his rudeness; I guess until someone squares up to him, he'll carry on being obnoxious until someone does. I think if you want it to change you will need to tell him this and remind him he can be amazing but at other times, far from it.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:12

He can be arrogant and always ALWAYS right. I don't think he needs assertiveness training but I just wish sometimes he'd focus on setting the children a good example!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:14

Adora

The thing is, he's always retaliating, not initiating. It's not helpful and it's embarrassing, but maybe it is the only way he knows how to be when confronted with rudeness himself.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:14

He sounds overly assertive to me!

Try videoing him OP esp if your kids are there then play it back to him and ask him if he finds it acceptable?

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:15

lemon

X post

So that's a different picture to what you initially presented

So how do you avoid being right when you are with him? Are you having to back down a lot yourself?

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:16

Adora

Assertiveness is not arrogance or aggression.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:17

So basically if you disagree he goes on his rant; that's not retaliating, that's just looking for a fight; you need to stop making excuses for it; it's not the shop assistants fault; he's purposely picking fights with people; it's a bit of a worry.

NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:18

yes, looks that way adora

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:19

Is it? Not intentionally ... where have i misled?

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:21

I did not say you'd misled intentionally

But what you are saying now, about him always being right and being arrogant, must have an effect on how he is at home, because sometimes you must disagree and he must be wrong. That's life. Or maybe you are a bit 'rude' to him and it follows he'd react to that. So I'm wondering if you end up backing down a lot or avoiding being at the other end of his sarkiness yourself.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:22

Well not really - I mean, I'm not really rude to him so I don't see that side?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:24

C'mon OP, if someone disagrees with his view point he's off on one; I don't think it's simply him defending himself against other rude people; he's inflaming situations with his own actions, not others.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:25

Yes, possibly. It's more subtle than going off on one though?

OP posts:
Bloggybollocks · 06/04/2017 14:27

I don't think it's anything other than the fact you're married to a prick, you probably don't want to accept that but all the evidence is there! Have friends or family never mentioned anything to you about his prick-like behaviour?

Msqueen33 · 06/04/2017 14:28

Exhausting isn't it. Mine is normally fine unless he's confronted about being wrong or mildly criticised though can handle it at work 😕If he doesn't like it that's when he's gets aggressive. Not verbally or physically it's more his tone. I don't know how to handle it and it's frustrating.

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:29

I'm sure we're married to the same man MsQueen! He honestly isn't a prick though.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/04/2017 14:30

How can someone who you describe as "arrogant and never wrong" also be "kind, attentive and loving". Those traits are complete opposites, to me. Unless someone is kind and loving , until you disagree with them, piss them off or cross them. All things that are unavoidable in a marriage, or with children

Original poster
lemondriftwood · 06/04/2017 14:33

I guess because he's not like that to me; he's kind and loving to me but not always in front of me. Sometimes he can be protective.

OP posts:
JonesyAndTheSalad · 06/04/2017 14:33

You say he's not a prick because you know his good side. But loads of pricks have a good side OP.

He sounds like a big prick to me. I'd never put up with that! You're associated with his behaviour and it reflects on you!

I would take a zero tolerance policy on that kind of thing if I were you.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 14:34

I'm afraid he sounds a prize prick to us OP; bit of a Jekyll and Hyde going on there.