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Relationships

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Original poster

Stag Do with debts - AIBU

123 replies

catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:19

Hoping to not out myself but solve an argument. Getting married this year, 3 DC's. Have current credit card debt but 0% & manageable - all in my name due to DP's poor credit rating. Putting yet more on credit cards for our wedding - again in my name. I think he should have a 1 day stag do near us or at least in the UK. He wants abroad for 2 nights or more.

Reasons being money - if we have any spare it needs to go towards the wedding and pay off some of our mounting debt that I am liable totally for & I think for a 30 something with 3 DC big abroad stag do's are just not the done thing. I'm uncomfortable with it, he's not a 20 yo with no DC having some last fling, he's an actual grown up with responsibilities. We won't have a family holiday this year for example - I don't get why he'd want to spend hundreds on his holiday with friends when we could be putting less on credit cards for the wedding which really worries me.

We both think the other is being selfish at the moment. AIBU?

OP posts:

sonyaya · 22/03/2017 21:21

YANBU. You can't afford it. Racking up debt on a stag do when you have DC and credit cards to pay off is irresponsible in my opinion.

SafeToCross · 22/03/2017 21:21

The poor credit rating sys it all. If he can't rein it in, the debt will just grow. Stand your ground.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 22/03/2017 21:23

I'm in agreement with you. There is no way of want to go deeper into debt for a flash stag/hen do.

Since the credit card is in your name then surely you have the final say?

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/03/2017 21:23

Why on earth have you taken on his debt?! He could walk away tomorrow and you'd be liable for the lot!

sooperdooper · 22/03/2017 21:25

Yanbu but why on earth are you spending money you can't afford on a wedding either? It's hardly a priority when all you're doing is getting more into debt

FataliePorkman · 22/03/2017 21:25

YANBU about your DP having a stag do here but YABU in your opinion that boozy weekends abroad "aren't done" once you have kids. If you can afford it- why not!

ScarletFever · 22/03/2017 21:25

Looks like you can't afford either the stag do or the wedding to be honest? (From your op)

How much debt do you have? How long do you have left on your interest free, and how much are you adding on the cards for the wedding?

Have you added it all up and told him? Don't go into more debt for him to have a jolly with his mates

MangoSplit · 22/03/2017 21:26

Alarm bells ringing here OP. He's got a poor credit rating, you're taking on all his debt and he thinks you're being selfish for not forking out still more money for his stag do? Words fail me to be honest.

pipsqueak25 · 22/03/2017 21:26

tbh if you can't agree on this now, and he is bvu, i wouldn't hold much hope for the future with regards to money, his poor credit rating is worrying esp as you seem to be accruing all the debt for both of you.

Original poster

catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:26

Quite a lot of the credit card is due to relatively recent maternity leave - I've not taken on his just to clear that bit up. It's just normal family spending I guess.

But yes he has a poor credit rating from a long time before me but it is really bad (he's not on the mortgage for example).

He says "what if my dad pays for the stag do" - I have said he needs to say something like "I really appreciate it but we'd rather have help towards the wedding"..... I also know that someone paying for your flights is different to the hundreds of spending money you'd need when away.

OP posts:

Original poster

catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:27

I think the wedding is getting too expensive. It seems to be spinning a bit out of control - like lots of weddings do. It's time to sit down and reign it in.

OP posts:

pipsqueak25 · 22/03/2017 21:29

fatal that's the problem they can't afford it, and he sounds resentful, not a good for any relationship let alone getting married.

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/03/2017 21:30

But you're taking on his debt in your name - why are you risking your credit rating on someone who clearly has no clue when it comes to managing finances?

magoria · 22/03/2017 21:31

I think you needs to sit and think long and hard BEFORE getting married.

If he fails to reign his spending afterwards then you are going to be lumbered with more debt.

You need a hard frank, lay on the table chat about your expectations going forwards.

And knock any non-essentials off the wedding. It is stupid to get into debt for one day.

pipsqueak25 · 22/03/2017 21:31

sorry, but more worried about this potential marriage lasting tbh after reading your latest posts op with regards to money.

MangoSplit · 22/03/2017 21:31

But you are taking on his debt, in the sense that you're taking on his share of the family debt iyswim.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 22/03/2017 21:34

Never mind the stag, Why on earth are you getting into debt for a wedding?

Gatehouse77 · 22/03/2017 21:35

We live by the simple rule that if you can't afford it doesn't happen/get bought/ go anywhere/etc.

If your partner wants a stag do of his choice then he needs to pay off the debts first or afford the wedding without credit.

AyeAmarok · 22/03/2017 21:41

Oh God, none of this is a good idea OP.

Taking on debts for him because his credit history (and current spending, clearly) are so bad, him wanting an expensive stag do when you are in debt, that you used a credit card for maternity leave and now, worst of all, you're having an expensive wedding when you have no money

Cancel all the wedding nonsense, go to the registry office and then dinner with a few of your nearest and dearest, use the money saved to clear your debts, and start living within your means.

Crumbs1 · 22/03/2017 21:43

Yes I'd agree if you can't pay for it, go without. The exception being a mortgage. Certainly not sensible to borrow money to pay for a stag or hen event or the wedding. The marriage is the important bit. It's easy to cut back on wedding costs and I would encourage that after you've had a discussion about financial management more generally. Maybe get all debt (credit) cards and shred them.

pipsqueak25 · 22/03/2017 21:45

aye is talking a lot of sense op, you could do worse not to take advice on here, least we hear from you again in a few years divorced and up to your neck in debt after dh got fed up with asking for money, not being on the mortgage etc.

londonrach · 22/03/2017 21:46

Dh didnt have a stag do unless you count the one beer he had in the pub with friends whilst i was in prezzo with friends. I went out to prezzo for a meal with girl friends. It was just an excuse to eat out really. Cost i think was less than £10 each. Everyone paid for what they eat. Sounds like you cant afford expensive hen, stag or wedding. No point getting into more debt. Wedding doesnt have to be expensive. If you want an expensive one wait till you can afford it

Hellmouth · 22/03/2017 21:48

I have a poor credit rating and I would never let DP take out credit for me, even though he has offered in the past.

I really think you need to discuss the finances before you get married. And you should stop putting debt for him into your name as this means you are 100% liable. He could run off tomorrow and you would be fooked.

I think that you shouldn't even be paying for a wedding if your finances are that bad. Getting in debt just for one day is crazy -just go to a registry office if you want to get married that badly!

NotMyPenguin · 22/03/2017 21:50

I really would be seriously considering whether to marry at all.

Original poster

catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:51

For what it's worth it was meant to be a small affordable wedding. I have a lot of thinking to do it is pretty clear.

OP posts:

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