Stag Do with debts - AIBU

[catcatcatcat]

Hoping to not out myself but solve an argument. Getting married this year, 3 DC's. Have current credit card debt but 0% & manageable - all in my name due to DP's poor credit rating. Putting yet more on credit cards for our wedding - again in my name. I think he should have a 1 day stag do near us or at least in the UK. He wants abroad for 2 nights or more.

Reasons being money - if we have any spare it needs to go towards the wedding and pay off some of our mounting debt that I am liable totally for & I think for a 30 something with 3 DC big abroad stag do's are just not the done thing. I'm uncomfortable with it, he's not a 20 yo with no DC having some last fling, he's an actual grown up with responsibilities. We won't have a family holiday this year for example - I don't get why he'd want to spend hundreds on his holiday with friends when we could be putting less on credit cards for the wedding which really worries me.

We both think the other is being selfish at the moment. AIBU?

[Okkitokkiunga]

OH that's fabulous news. Best wishes to you both for a very long, happy marriage.

[EweAreHere]

I hope he sticks to the agreement and you two have a happy life together.

[nauticant]

Way-hay! It makes a lovely a change to read:

I tackled the problem and got a good response we're both OK with

[neonrainbow]

Well done op :)

[CoolCarrie]

That's great news, have a lovely day when it comes and a harmonious life together

[MangoSplit]

So glad to read your update

[ScarletFever]

Nice one op

[badabeedabom]

Great news OP!

[category12]

Oh that's good news.

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

Brilliant OP, I hope you have a lovely wedding day and a long and happy marriage. Being able to work things out as a team and compromise/listen to each other is a bloody good start

[expatinscotland]

Good for you! Long may it continue.

[catcatcatcat]

To update you quickly. Big chats. Changing wedding to the already booked registry office ceremony & a meal with the few people who will be there after. Cancelled planned reception & got most money back - will be putting that towards paying off some cards. Stag do sorted, not happening. DP working an extra day a week. Pleasantly surprised & really pleased I was given the confidence by you lot to start getting it sorted. Thanks MN.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

shotsfired. I'd do that with a teenager/young adult, but not with a grown man, a father. He's threatening to cancel the wedding because he can't have a big, overseas, piss up, when they're in debt. Beggars belief.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Your post this morning sounds good, very sensible.

I'm sorry to hear about your DD, but sadly, it's not at all 'outing', lots of kids are struggling right now 🙁

You can't not do what is right, in case it makes DD's anxiety worse. You will get her through this whether you stay with him or not. I'd put money on her being better than she is if you weren't living together. People are seldom selfish & thoughtless in only one area. I don't want to rag on him too much because right now you don't want to hear it (I get that) but please don't let DD's anxiety be the reason or excuse to not do anything. You know his behaviour is unacceptable, you just need to accept it's ok to say 'enough is enough, you're using me'. It's not easy, I know 💐

[ShotsFired]

Agree with all the PP - esp re postponing the wedding till things are straight. But please don't give yourself a kicking for making mistakes - its how you deal with them that will matter now.

As an idea for immediate assistance... could you subtly transfer day to day spending over to him, while you use the money which would have gone on that for debt repayment? So it sort of equals out a little by little?

So, he won't work nights, but "can you nip to the shops and get the groceries in on your way home please?"

"While you're out can you fill the car up"

Then "please pick up that click and collect order" (which needs paying on collection)

and so on and so forth?

[neonrainbow]

I also think you should postpone until your finances are more stable and he has committed to helping you to clear the debt that he has help to run up. Your last post is all about how you are planning to clear the debt but it's his debts as well so he needs to be held accountable for it. If he's not willing to help you is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You don't need to make any big decisions right now about your relationship continuing but you could just hold off on the wedding until your finances are a little more stable.

[offside]

Not read the whole thread.

Purely on the stag doo issue - it depends. The stag doo's my DP has been on, the stag hasn't paid a penny, they all pay a bit extra to cover the cost of the stag's expenses and then when there, he doesn't put his hand in his pocket. My DP is having his stag doo abroad (30's with one DD) and same with him so it isn't actually costing us anything. So if your DPs friends are doing the same, then yes, I think YABU, however, if he is footing his own costs, then no, YANBU.

[Okkitokkiunga]

Just want to wish you good luck with sorting it out. One thing you said struck me about how he likes to keep up with his mates as he worries about what they think of him. What do you suppose they would think of him if they were aware of his finances and the stress it causes you? It might become obvious at some stage if he doesn't manage his finances better. Also as the house is in your name and he doesn't want to rein in his spending could you get him to sign some sort of waiver ouvre a future claim to your house, or ensure that you get a greater % of it or something should a marriage not work out. I know some people would be offended by that but it would show how worried you are about the future for your children. I had a friend who did this and it was very lucky she did as he gambled all their money away and racked up HUGE debts gambling. Their marriage didn't survive. Anyway I know it's not exactly the same scenario but you never know what the future will bring.

[catcatcatcat]

I'm probably outing myself here but one of my DD's is really bad at the moment, she has massive anxiety which we're getting help for, says she hates herself, regularly has meltdowns, says she wishes she wasn't born etc. I feel like I'm really bloody failing her now, she'd be so sad if everything all messes up & it would make her issues even worse.

I've just admitted all this to my friend at least, so that's a step as I hadn't really told anyone all the details of everything I'm dealing with.

[nauticant]

You sound sensible OP even though you've got yourself into some solvable problems.

Tell you DP that you've looked at the costs and it will be necessary to scale down both the wedding and the stag do to something modest.

His response should help you decide whether to get married or cancel.

[category12]

I think you should postpone the wedding. You're being dragged under by him financially already, if you marry, it will be a worse situation .

[TFPsa]

Yanbu. Overseas stag parties are seriously indulgent, only suitable for instances where every single potential guest can very easily afford it.

[LornaMumsnet]

We're sending this over to relationships now.

[ScarletFever]

i have to say though. Going to ask him what he's going to do to sort out his credit rating & help. Whether he's willing to scale back things and help - if he realises how much I worry about money. There are extras he could do at work but has so far refused to - nights etc. I have a feeling he'll still refuse tbh, even though I do anything going for us to have a bit more cash.

i would maybe postpone the wedding unless he is willing to work a bit harder to get you all out of debt - this is not the action of a family man, this is a selfish person who could provide, but wont

[MangoSplit]

Your post this morning sounds very level headed. Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you