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Original poster

Stag Do with debts - AIBU

123 replies

catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:19

Hoping to not out myself but solve an argument. Getting married this year, 3 DC's. Have current credit card debt but 0% & manageable - all in my name due to DP's poor credit rating. Putting yet more on credit cards for our wedding - again in my name. I think he should have a 1 day stag do near us or at least in the UK. He wants abroad for 2 nights or more.

Reasons being money - if we have any spare it needs to go towards the wedding and pay off some of our mounting debt that I am liable totally for & I think for a 30 something with 3 DC big abroad stag do's are just not the done thing. I'm uncomfortable with it, he's not a 20 yo with no DC having some last fling, he's an actual grown up with responsibilities. We won't have a family holiday this year for example - I don't get why he'd want to spend hundreds on his holiday with friends when we could be putting less on credit cards for the wedding which really worries me.

We both think the other is being selfish at the moment. AIBU?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/03/2017 23:52

Definitely do not show him this thread.

Slow down a bit. Don't make plans to talk to him about money in a couple of days. You NEED to stop & really think about your life first.

You feel like you've messed up for your DC.

OK. So start there. DP is not going to change. Is he the role model you want for your children? Do you want them growing up with his ideals? Do you want them to think being financially irresponsible is ok? Do you want them thinking gaslighting is acceptable?

Your children are young and you have many, many years ahead of you. Do you really want to live like this? Don't get into the mindset of thinking 'I've put too much into this to walk away' get into the mindset of 'Is this what I want for me & my children for the next 60 years?'

Bear in mind that although he might be 'better' than previous partners, it doesn't make him 'good enough'.

Headofthehive55 · 23/03/2017 06:31

Oooh so if he doesn't get you to spend on his stag do, he'll cancel the wedding as a punishment - which he knows wI'll hurt you as you are looking forward to it?

My wedding cost very little. But I'd have also been very happy to marry DH wearing leggings and no do. It was the marriage that was important not the fancy stuff. Our one financial rule as a couple was that we never spent more than our monthly income and anything on our credit card was paid off in full every month. No ifs no buts.

Trifleorbust · 23/03/2017 06:38

Agree with all pp. don't put unnecessary spending on a credit card if you can't afford to pay it off.

Trifleorbust · 23/03/2017 06:40

But I will say that the idea of a stag do can send some usually quite sensible men a bit round the bend - it doesn't mean you need to split up. Just have a serious discussion with him about spending and what you will and won't facilitate.

Trifleorbust · 23/03/2017 06:42

Also, there is absolutely no need for you to be taking a LTB-style kicking over this. He is a bit shit with money. That's it. We all have faults and it isn't insurmountable. Flowers

barefoofdoctor · 23/03/2017 06:50

Intelligent adults make bad decisions, you are trying to do right by your family and it sounds like you are shouldering an unfair amount of the financial burden without needing the added stress of wedding debt. How about postponing the wedding for a year while you both clear all debt then see where things are in a year's time? Will claw back some money (don't worry about losing deposits there is no point throwing good money after bad or about losing face - who cares what others think). And give you some much needed thinking space? Get your house in order and forget a fancy wedding for now. Sounds like you are going to rethink things so please Don't be hard on yourself. Wha would you advise a friend to do in your position?

Astro55 · 23/03/2017 07:02

Lots of people work hard and it would be great if the money stretched to cover more than the basics plus some luxuries - but that's reality for most people.

Money has to be prioritised rent rates bills food clothes - then the extras holidays

He may want more - but he'll have to save for it -

If he threatens to cancel the wedding then give him a list of phone numbers to call - let him do it. (If you make the calls he'll throw it back in your face

Original poster
catcatcatcat · 23/03/2017 07:46

Long think and not much sleep. I'm taking on some extra work, rather than absorb that money into day-to-day finances I'm going to use it every month to pay off debt. It would take one or two years max for me to get rid of it all.

Going to ask him what he's going to do to sort out his credit rating & help. Whether he's willing to scale back things and help - if he realises how much I worry about money. There are extras he could do at work but has so far refused to - nights etc. I have a feeling he'll still refuse tbh, even though I do anything going for us to have a bit more cash.

Depending on the answer we scale back the wedding, or cancel. Go from there.

I have previously been bad with money - but well and truly sorted myself out. I've let myself drift into these bad habits again because of him & it's going to stop.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 23/03/2017 07:49

Having spent years getting out of debt caused by my own bad decisions, I am very strict with myself now. If I don't have cash to pay for it, I don't get it. The only things I could justify putting on credit would be absolutely necessities if the kids needed food or clothes for example.
"Wants" don't go on credit, that's a very slippery slope.

Ellisandra · 23/03/2017 07:51

Efibotely postpone the wedding.
Partly because you can't afford it, and partly because you shouldn't marry someone you can't discuss money with, without being shouted down Confused

If anyone asks, it's fine to say "you know, we realised we wanted xyz, a weekend stag do etc, and that was all adding up - so we're going to take a bit longer to save for it".

Tell your boyfriend to go do a budget. He can have any kind of fancy stag do he likes - but he needs to save for it, and it needs to be in the budget and given a priority.

If (made up numbers) you're paying £300 on debts and have 12 months to pay, and the total wedding and stag do is £3000, then you can have the wedding and stag 10 months after the debt repayment - in 22 months time.

It's not a case if saying no, it's saying when.

There are things that it is acceptable to be in debt for, like a mortgage. Most people could never save that amount in advance, you're getting something big for your money and possibly saving on rent, and probably it's an investment.

A wedding? Ten hours. It is not worth debt for a wedding.

Whocansay · 23/03/2017 07:51

Postpone the wedding until your debts are paid and you have some savings. This is madness with children to look after.

themightymoog · 23/03/2017 07:54

how much more debt will the wedding be/ You do know you can get married for under £100?

Ellisandra · 23/03/2017 07:57

Also, slightly in his defence...
I'm just remembering that my XH did tend to see the stag do as something for him, comparable to my dress being something for me.

My dress was £500 but his suit £100. So £400 to a stag do was "even" (we didn't actually discuss it to the penny, just in his mindset!)

So you're saying his stag do would be instead of a family holiday, but do you stop to think it's your fancy dress for one day only, that is instead of a family holiday? (if you're having an expensive dress!)

My experience with friends is that often the groom doesn't care about coloured ribbon chair dressings (me either!) and sees that as money spent on 'her' that balances money spent on 'him' - the stag do.

You said wedding costs are running away with you - is it even stuff he wants?

Go back to the beginning and choose a wedding that you both want and can afford.

Original poster
catcatcatcat · 23/03/2017 07:59

I feel like I'm defending myself a bit here, I've facilitated bad choices about money yes, but I'm currently in control of finances & it is manageable & I can sort it. Also it is a registry office wedding already, not some £20k hotel big event. It's just the reception has got a bit expensive, I think people think perhaps I'm spending tens of thousands on some big event.

As I said though in a previous post, I totally take it all on board & will be taking the steps I've listed to now sort this mess out. So thanks for the help on that front. I might step away from this now.

OP posts:
Original poster
catcatcatcat · 23/03/2017 08:00

And no, it's a cheap wedding dress in comparison to most. I tried on a £1000 one and promptly returned it to the hanger.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 23/03/2017 08:15

There are extras he could do at work but has so far refused to - nights etc. I have a feeling he'll still refuse tbh

That's because the debt is yours, not his. It doesn't affect him because you'll break your back sorting it out at absolutely no inconvenience to him. He'll continue to spend, you'll work overtime to pay it off, and he'll spend it again on whatever he wants.

That you don't think he'd pitch in with a few night shifts to help clear it is very sad OP. What happened to teamwork? That's the basis of a marriage.

Fishface77 · 23/03/2017 08:15

Bitter is right op.
Do not risk your home or your children's home by marrying this man child.
I'm sure you will say apart from the money thing everything is good but money is a major thing for most of us!

ScarletFever · 23/03/2017 08:19

I've read the thread and op you seem to have your head screwed on, it's easy for us to say to you oh well you shouldn't do this and you should do that etc but it's different when you are living it

Hopefully you'll do what you said you'll do, don't shy away from awkward conversations be strong Flowers

Oly5 · 23/03/2017 08:23

I'm sorry but I think you're wrong. You're obviously getting the wedding you want, why shouldn't he get the stag do he wants? I've no doubt he doesn't care about place settings, your wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses etc etc. But he does care about his stag do.
It doesn't sound like you can afford either. If be postponing it and saving for a wedding AND stag do that makes you both happy

TheNaze73 · 23/03/2017 08:24

You're being used. You're the one doing the extra work, he should be looking at that. All the debt is on you, it really isn't fair. I have no idea why you're even considering marrying him. And if you eyeballed him, you'll find, like a lot of men, I don't actually think he wants to get married & is probably doing it to keep you sweet. Which it really isn't.

GladAllOver · 23/03/2017 08:27

If you really want to be married to this man, just go to the local registry office. You have family responsibilities and debts. A fancy wedding and stag dos would be just a pointless waste of money.

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2017 08:32

Op, don't be too hard on yourself, you sound like you are very sensible and in control.

My point on I couldn't marry a man like that, just to clarify, was that I could accept the original debt when younger, I'd also help pay it off, but what would make me pause for thought before I married a man like that, is the fact he is happy to build up more debt for an expensive stag do, even get his parents to help pay for it, and that's not ok for a 30 plus year old man with kids.

For me that would tell me he's not really changed and never will. That's what would give me pause for thought.

His personal needs are more important to him. It's not even a need as such, he can have a brilliant night out here in the uk for his stag do, there is no need to go abroad for two or three days and probably spend in the region of a few hundred quid. A few hundred quid he doesn't have. Effectively it would be credit card debt and hand outs from his parents.

Financial security it really important, planning for the future, and where as it's one thing to unavoidably get into debt, it's a whole other thing to do so partying and pissing it up against the wall.

I think sitting down with him and going through the numbers is the best approach. Agreeing a plan to pay it off and not increase it. Going through the monthly outgoings. Talk about savings and the future. And either he will see the light and buckle down, or you will come to your own conclusion.

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/03/2017 08:36

Don't be a slave for him and don't give away your assets either. Be very cautious.

MangoSplit · 23/03/2017 09:13

Your post this morning sounds very level headed. Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you Flowers

ScarletFever · 23/03/2017 09:16

i have to say though. Going to ask him what he's going to do to sort out his credit rating & help. Whether he's willing to scale back things and help - if he realises how much I worry about money. There are extras he could do at work but has so far refused to - nights etc. I have a feeling he'll still refuse tbh, even though I do anything going for us to have a bit more cash.

i would maybe postpone the wedding unless he is willing to work a bit harder to get you all out of debt - this is not the action of a family man, this is a selfish person who could provide, but wont

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