Stag Do with debts - AIBU

[catcatcatcat]

Hoping to not out myself but solve an argument. Getting married this year, 3 DC's. Have current credit card debt but 0% & manageable - all in my name due to DP's poor credit rating. Putting yet more on credit cards for our wedding - again in my name. I think he should have a 1 day stag do near us or at least in the UK. He wants abroad for 2 nights or more.

Reasons being money - if we have any spare it needs to go towards the wedding and pay off some of our mounting debt that I am liable totally for & I think for a 30 something with 3 DC big abroad stag do's are just not the done thing. I'm uncomfortable with it, he's not a 20 yo with no DC having some last fling, he's an actual grown up with responsibilities. We won't have a family holiday this year for example - I don't get why he'd want to spend hundreds on his holiday with friends when we could be putting less on credit cards for the wedding which really worries me.

We both think the other is being selfish at the moment. AIBU?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You don't have to split up. That's awfully catastrophic thinking. You ask him what he is going to do about getting his credit rating fixed. You ask what's his plan for paying back the extra he wants to borrow. You ask him to do the budget calculations.

If he can't be sensible about that then you should protect yourself, postpone the wedding until you have cleared your debts.

How do you budget if you can't talk about money?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Actually I wouldn't just stop the wedding. I wouldn't marry someone that irresponsible with money until he'd sorted things out. You have children and a house in your name (by the sounds of it). Don't jeopardize your children's home by legally connecting yourself to someone who will rack up debt on a boozy weekend away.

You don't have to break up unless he's only prepared to stay with you if you fund facilitate his unreasonable spending habits. But you might ask yourself why you want to marry someone who would go on an expensive weekend with his friends when you can't afford a family holiday.

[expatinscotland]

The important thing about making bad choices, cat, is that you stop making them, learn from them and don't repeat him. The pair of you are living a lifestyle you cannot afford. And believe me, it will come back to haunt you if you don't stop. He seems to think it's beneath him to live within his means and you enable this by taking on debt and saying it's 'normal family spending'.

First, tell him, NO more debt. That means no wedding except Registry Office. Cancel all the stuff. It's cheaper than more debt. If this isn't good enough for him, it tells you a lot about him.

Next, you get onto moneysavingexpert and get a real budget that doesn't rely on debt and allows you to start paying that debt back before your credit is trash, too, and then you find yourself unable to get 0% interest.

[expatinscotland]

He's not going to sort it. You are already doing that. And he thinks it's beneath him to live like a mere mortal and not spend money you don't have.

[FormerlyFrikadela01]

I think you need to take a bit of responsibility for this as well. All good and well blaming him with his poor credit but by your own admission normal family spending has been going on credit cards in your name which means you must be on board with it. Normal day to day expenses should never be on credit, if you need to get into debt to live then you are living far beyond your means.

[catcatcatcat]

Expat is right here. Many of his friends are childless or in better jobs, he hates thinking we're poor compared to them. I'm happy camping for holidays & aldi for shopping for the rest of my life. I've had times in my life when I've had seriously no money & I know we're lucky compared to some.

We have a budget, a spreadsheet that accounts for everything etc. I will be taking the advice to sit and sort this. If it can't be sorted then go from there.

He always says how hard he works & the money just goes, then I feel bad. There's a lot of background stuff for me, abusive etc, (not from him) - I find holding him to high standards difficult even after such a long time. I know he should want to be sorting out money, I argue this point, then let it go after a while I guess.

[witsender]

You both have a bad attitude to money. Living expenses should not be on credit, and neither should a wedding. You can get married for £500.

If you are putting wedding costs on there he probably thinks a stag is in the same ballpark.

[catcatcatcat]

I might move this to relationships for some help beyond judging. I'm just realising I need it perhaps.

[motheroftwojedi]

I made the mistake of constantly bailing my now DH out financially and 12 years on I realise I have done nothing to help the situation and I have in fact enabled his irresponsible attitude to money. We are in a mess financially because we didn't live within our means (plus some unfortunate life events such as redundancy).

I think you need to emphasise that an overseas stag do is not affordable and therefore will not/cannot be paid for on credit.

Also we have just recently completed the CAP money course which you might both find useful. It's changed my DH attitude to money.

[MrDacresEUSubsidy]

Many of his friends are childless or in better jobs, he hates thinking we're poor compared to them
So is this less about wanting a stag do and more about wasting £££ so he can keep up with the Jones and show off to his mates?

He always says how hard he works & the money just goes
He's got three kids - what did he think would happen? That they would magically feed and clothe themselves?

And as for you 'being selfish' because you aren't thrilled to bits that he wants a stag do abroad when you're already in debt... Are you sure you want to marry someone like this?

[piglover]

I got horrendously into debt with someone who sounds a bit like your husband to be. It took me 6 years to dig us out of what we got into in year one of our relationship by putting a bunch of stuff on credit (including our wedding) and then not really having the money to pay it off. It was stressful and it damaged our relationship and eventually when we finally were in a reasonable financial space she left me partly because I was too controlling about money!

[expatinscotland]

The important thing is to stop the spending. No more debt. He has a vast sense of entitlement - 'I work hard, therefore I deserve X, Y, Z.' That's by the by because right now, the debt is yours. It's in your power to say, 'No, no more debt. That's not selfish. It's selfish to get into debt and imperil our children's security for things we cannot afford.' The money doesn't 'just go'. What is in your power is to stop the spending. If he has a problem with how he looks to his friends, that's his lookout.

You can work on that, with the CAP course as suggested, but you have to stop the spending.

[JaneEyre70]

Have you ever spoken to a professional debt counsellor? They may have ideas for moving forward quicker than you are, and I can see why you've put his debt in your name OP - it says a huge deal about how much you trust your partner and that's great. But to spend money on a stag do and wedding that you don't have is a really bad idea when you are already in debt. Why not set a target of being debt free in 36 months and getting married then? Or get married quietly in a register office and have a party later with friends and family when you're better off. The more you add to this debt, the deeper the hole you are digging yourselves, and it's not a great start to married life.

[expatinscotland]

It is not 'holding someone to high standards' by expecting them to behave like a responsible adult and father.

Your budget also needs to allow for debt repayment, especially whilst you're able to be on 0% interest.

[Parker231]

Why is he wanting a stag do when he's no money to pay for it?

[expatinscotland]

'Why is he wanting a stag do when he's no money to pay for it?'

Same reason he wants a big wedding on credit, keeping up with the Joneses.

[Astro55]

Does he actually know what things cost? Kids shoes for example? Uniforms kids clubs trips days out etc?

Ask him what he thinks a weeks food shop is or the coat of the gas bill!

Bet he doesn't know!

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

This must be hitting you hard & I'm sorry for that, BUT if it makes you think about your situation more clearly, then it's a good thing.

It might lead you to a fairly unpalatable conclusion, but please don't turn your back on that because you've told people you are getting married. They can be told you are not. Don't stay 'for the children', that simply doesn't work.

Or, you might decide it's all ok. I just know I wouldn't. I want to be married to another ADULT who sorts their own shit out, gets them self in a better position & puts their partner & children's security first. Not an immature twat who says things like he has.

Think hard.
💐

[catcatcatcat]

I was planning on showing him this thread to illustrate that IANBU. But now I know if I show it to him I'd be exaggerating or something, then he'd cancel the wedding, we'd argue for days, I'd try and make it better and we'd carry on with this unspoken thing of money again between us.

I get that the responses to this are going to be don't marry him, I really feel like I've messed up for my DC's.

I've looked at the CAP course; thanks. I'll also perhaps speak to Step Change tomorrow. Then in a few days brace for a proper serious money chat that probably won't go well. I always get made to feel like I'm wrong, he works hard, I'm unreasonable. I get this is classic stuff. I feel really a bit sad now, I've had my head in the sand for a while.

[catcatcatcat]

Thanks for the replies though & advice. I appreciate it.

[Lynnm63]

YANBU to refuse to fund a stag do on credit. YABU to consider putting your wedding on credit cards. No one needs a hen do or stag do. I'd consider very carefully if I wanted to be married to my 4th child. He's acting like a spoilt teen. Imo if you are putting normal expenditure on a credit card that you are unable to clear each month then you are not in a position to fund a wedding at this moment. If you want to get married nip to the registry office with a couple of witnesses then when finances allow have a party to celebrate your marriage when you can afford it.

[expatinscotland]

'I always get made to feel like I'm wrong, he works hard, I'm unreasonable. I get this is classic stuff. '

This is gaslighting bullshit. Thing is, you are holding the cards here. The cards are yours. Make sure they stay in your possession. NO more spending.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

The fact is that if he hadnt fucked up his own credit rating then he could spend his own money and get into his own debt for what he wants. But he did, so he cant and you are allowed to say "No, I will not get into further debt for you"

I would say cancel the wedding, but I would certainly postpone it. If he decides that its all off because he isnt getting his own way, well that tells you everything you need to know about his priorities.

You are in a very good position here. You do not share a mortgage, you do not share any debt, you do not have the bad credit rating. You could walk away from this and be ok so dont let him drag you down out of some fear of obligation.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Hope it goes well Cat, and you are able to come to a resolution you are happy with.

stepchange should give good advice too

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Listen, while you are unmarried and the house is in your sole name you and the kids will have a roof over your heads. Once you're married that home you all live in will become an asset of the marriage. Do you think he deserves to own half of your home? Do you appreciate the risk you could be taking?

This is not a grown, responsible adult you are thinking of marrying, it's a person who has made extremely poor and irresponsible choices. Who is continuing to make poor choices by trying to get you to take on more debt. You're shouldering that nasty debt on your own, please, please reconsider adding to it by paying for a wedding on credit. He sounds like an entitled twat. An entitled twat who's intent on spending your money and getting you into more and more debt. This really doesn't bode well for a secure and happy long-term future.

In your position, I would decline to get married until you are debt-free and he's started to get his credit-record sorted, and you've got savings under your belts.