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Original poster

Stag Do with debts - AIBU

123 replies

catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:19

Hoping to not out myself but solve an argument. Getting married this year, 3 DC's. Have current credit card debt but 0% & manageable - all in my name due to DP's poor credit rating. Putting yet more on credit cards for our wedding - again in my name. I think he should have a 1 day stag do near us or at least in the UK. He wants abroad for 2 nights or more.

Reasons being money - if we have any spare it needs to go towards the wedding and pay off some of our mounting debt that I am liable totally for & I think for a 30 something with 3 DC big abroad stag do's are just not the done thing. I'm uncomfortable with it, he's not a 20 yo with no DC having some last fling, he's an actual grown up with responsibilities. We won't have a family holiday this year for example - I don't get why he'd want to spend hundreds on his holiday with friends when we could be putting less on credit cards for the wedding which really worries me.

We both think the other is being selfish at the moment. AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 21:52

I'd cancel the wedding and stag do and if he didn't like it, the fuck I'd marry him. He's a loose cannon.

Fishface77 · 22/03/2017 21:52

I wouldn't marry him!

Original poster
catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 21:53

I feel stupid to say this - especially as an avid MNer - but I always hoped he'd sort the money stuff out. Get motivated & improve his credit rating etc. I've ignored it because of all the good stuff. Feel a bit stupid and naive now I explain it to strangers. Bloody hell.

OP posts:
skerrywind · 22/03/2017 21:54

OP this is all crazy.

EweAreHere · 22/03/2017 21:54

He sounds seriously entitled and immature for a 30 something with children who is supposed to be helping to pay off debts and pay for a wedding.

And you want to tie yourself to him financially via marriage?

I think you should drag him to a financial adviser and have the facts of financial life explained to him.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 21:54

If you're putting money on a credit card with 'normal family spending', you're living beyond your means. That's not normal. Too long a mat leave if you're having to put it on credit. And then a wedding? Just no. Registry office and a few close friends and family. He doesn't like it, he needs to find someone else to sponge off.

CoolCarrie · 22/03/2017 21:58

He is the selfish one here, does he think he is a teenager? Tell him to grow up and forget the piss up with his mates, he s a cheeky git.

willstarttomorrow · 22/03/2017 21:59

OP Please think very carefully about how you manage your finances. My late DP had a crap credit rating and as a v high earner was able to run up loads of debt. He eventually ended up on a debt management plan (lots of it accrued before we met and we were together 15 years). Our different attitudes to money meant that there was always some level of stress in the background. Whilst he was comfortable with some level of debt it makes me uneasy and he was always wanting me to take loans out in my name for the house etc. We could have afforded the repayments but it made me so uncomfortable. He died suddenly and it is now only just my wage supporting us. If I had taken any loan in just my name then I suspect we would have been tipped from survival into all sorts of hell.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/03/2017 22:00

You are not even married yet and he is resentful you wont fork out for the stag do on top of taking on all his other debts.
Please think carefully.

MiniAlphaBravo · 22/03/2017 22:02

I also think you're not using your credit card correctly. Frankly you should cut it up and live within your means from now on. Especially as you're risking your personal financial security by holding all the debt in your name. He's taking the piss to want a big stag do but it sounds like he has no grasp on finances and you're facilitating that, sorry. If he wants a stag do he should save for it. If his dad pays he's as big an idiot as his son but that's his prerogative.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 22/03/2017 22:04

He wants to spend money you don't have on the stag do, you feel like you have to spend money you don't have on the wedding.

Why spend a huge amount on either? You are right, both of you revisit your wedding plans and see if you can still have a nice day for a lot less, while he looks at having a UK based stag do.

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2017 22:08

Sorry op, he sounds like an immature selfish twat
He wants to create more debt to have a stag do abroad? He's 30 with three kids? Who does that? He wants to spend money neither of you have to party?

I think that lack of responsibility financially would be a deal breaker for me.i couldn't marry a man like that.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/03/2017 22:08

Totally unreasonable of him.

I would also be thinking very carefully about whether the wedding should go ahead.

Does he work?

Contribute round the house?

Why have you decided to get married now after 3 kids?

Why does he think someone else should fund all the activities he wants to do?

How long have you been planning the wedding for - has he been willing to sacrifice other things if this stag do was so important to him or does he just expect you to make it happen??

Flowers OP this is a lot to take in but please take your time and make a good decision for your future

AyeAmarok · 22/03/2017 22:12

I'm almost scared to ask this, but, does he work? Do you know what he earns? Do you know what he spends his money on?

missymayhemsmum · 22/03/2017 22:14

a poor credit rating isn't something that just accidentally happens to someone. Unless it's down to illness or redundancy etc it's a track record (in the last 6 years) of taking out debt you can't or won't pay back, and ignoring it.

Show him the budget, make sure he understands your financial situation and how you feel about it, and tell him there really is no money for a stag do, unless his mates take him to the pub for a pint. Because as a father of 3, paying the bills and providing for the kids come first. If a row ensues, cancel the wedding and save on solicitors for the divorce.

Blossomdeary · 22/03/2017 22:15

This is all so ridiculous.

Just get on with the important job of being parents - scrap the wedding (which you clearly cannot afford), and do not even think about this irresponsible idea of a stag night.

You are parents - you have serious responsibilities - this is all nonsense. I cannot imagine why you want to marry this infantile man.

Original poster
catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 22:16

He does work, we both do.

Not ignoring any questions but what do you do then, stop the wedding, actually break up?! I feel actually ridiculous for never thinking of it all before, I just thought well as he can't take out a loan for example, I would be the one to do it. God knows when it became the norm. Money is the most contentious issue in our house, so I avoid it, which I'm waking up to the fact has been the wrong decision.

I feel like I need a disclaimer on the top - I'm actually an intelligent woman! This is a mess clearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
catcatcatcat · 22/03/2017 22:18

Also, lots of women - and men - make bad choices. Thanks to those giving advice & answers in a relatively kind way. I get this is AIBU but I don't want to feel now any more shit than I already do. I am a responsible parent and my DC come first, obviously.

OP posts:
ragz134 · 22/03/2017 22:21

As previous posters have said, not only is the stag do completely out of the question, so is getting in debt for a wedding. My wedding cost about £200. Because we were skint. It didn't even occur to me to get into debt for it, we did it because we wanted to be married then and that was all we could afford.
Do you deal with all the finances? Does he understand your monthly budget? If not, you need to sit down together and work it out, give him more responsibilty for financial things so he understands the value of money.

MangoSplit · 22/03/2017 22:21

What do you do? You have a very serious conversation with him about money, and about why in particular he seems to believe that you should pay for his stag do. You come up with a budget that involves paying off your debts rather than adding to them and you both stick to it. If he fails to do either of these things, that's when you stop the wedding and break up with him.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 22:24

'Not ignoring any questions but what do you do then, stop the wedding, actually break up?! '

You stop the wedding as it is stands, yes. NO more spending. You may lose deposits but it's not as bad as more debt for it. And you tell him: I'm not getting into any more debt. If you want to marry, we have to do it at the Registry Office with just family, no stag or hen do's. And no 'if you save for it', he saves anything and it needs to go towards paying down the debt, not on a fucking wedding! You've got 3 kids and a mortgage, why on Earth does he want a big wedding? He needs to grow the fuck up.

You have to stop racking up debt before you wind up in serious trouble.

DragonFire99 · 22/03/2017 22:26

No way. If you want get married, go to a register office.

You don't need to spend loads of money.

Equally, your dh should not be spending money he does not have on a stag do! Ridiculous. He can go to his local like everyone used to do.

CoolCarrie · 22/03/2017 22:27

Put your children first now then and put a stop to you enabling his behaviour regarding money and debt.
The comments may be harsh, but you need to hear it, especially as you have posted about his behaviour before, and the comments posted then don't seem to have made a difference.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 22/03/2017 22:30

Clearly the lesson of a shot credit rating hasn't sunk in. You don't need to break up, but you must stop facilitating his spending.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 22/03/2017 22:31

We spent very little on our wedding, no hen do, no stag do. Still happy (debt free) after 19 years together.