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Original poster

Tell me about an affair you've had or know of where the man didn't leave their wife like they promised

181 replies

Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:33

Need a reality check please.

It's not me having the affair - though you'll all think it is! I want to show my friend that what she is doing is wasting her life. She's 27 and he's 52 and promised he will leave his wife. They've been dating for a year and the current excuse is 'when you youngest goes to college.' (In 2 years). Yeah right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:34
  • when the youngest goes to college
OP posts:
Wingsofdesire · 27/02/2017 20:38

There are countless examples of the man not leaving his wife. There are countless examples of him keeping a secret lover and doing everything and anything to ensure that the family is not affected. Ever.

Happybunny19 · 27/02/2017 20:39

Assuming a 27 year old isn't involved with a man of 52 because of his youthful charm, have you reminded her that he'll be significantly worse off financially once he's split the family assets and halved his pension to his long-suffering wife, if he ever actually leaves (which is highly doubtful).

Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:39

Examples are what I want please!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:41

Happy, yes I've said all this. He has three kids and although he has a good job, he's never going to be able to give her much while he's paying for three sets of university fees! I've been through it all and she's adamant that it's the real deal. It's such a shame because she's really gorgeous and kind and before she met him she was so happy, so she's rarely happy in a content way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:41

*now she is rarely happy

Stupid autocorrect

OP posts:
Gabilan · 27/02/2017 20:42

Say for the sake of argument that in 2 years time he leaves his wife. Your friend will then have a relationship with a man who she knows is capable of breaking his vows to any partner. Will she trust him?

That might be a more successful tack if she's still in the "no, he will leave, I know he will, he really loves me" denial stage.

Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:42

Gabilan - she genuinely thinks he is 'the one.' And so does he by all accounts...

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justbeinreal · 27/02/2017 20:43

My partner had an affair, although not a younger woman, we were all a similar age. He had told her all of those things, that we weren't together, didn't have sex, it was over etc.

When I found out he told her to her face that she was nothing but a bit of fun on the side and he would do anything to stay with me.

It was awful all round and had been incredibly hard and he was so in the wrong and treated her awfully.

But to answer your question, we are still together and Ow is history...

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/02/2017 20:43

He will leave his wife on the twelfth of never.

Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:43

Apparently he says his wife and him have never got on and only stay together for the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 20:45

Wow justbeinreal, I can so believe it!

People who want to leave, leave. End of.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/02/2017 20:47

They never got on - but had sex as they had dc. .
Or is her name Mary?

Obsidian77 · 27/02/2017 20:47

I'm sad for your friend (though obviously sadder for the betrayed wife and kids). I never understand why the OW would fall for such obvious bolllocks. What difference would the youngest kid going to college make? Who would put up with being strung along like this?
In my experience, it's pointless you trying to tell her. She'll have to come to the realisation on her own terms, the realisation that she has wasted her youth on a crap, worthless cheat who can't even deal honestly with the mess he's made. You can have a look for "The Script" on relationship threads and there are plenty of links to external websites.

SarahSlaughter · 27/02/2017 20:48

Two women I know waited years for cheating men to leave their wives.

In both cases the women are single and have missed their chance to have kids. They are not happy women.

In both cases the man is still with his wife.

I know another case where the man did leave his wife but only after more than 10 years. The adult children hate their father (with good reason) and he has no relationship with them now or his grandchildren.

WannaBe · 27/02/2017 20:50

I know someone who was the OW for 40 years. Shock. They even had a child together.

He never left his wife, although iirc he never promised to, and it's true that their marriage was complicated.

But the saddest part is that this woman stayed the OW, had a child by him who he saw once a week, and because of her unwavering love for him she never had a real marriage or relationship or family where it was just them iyswim.

The reality here is that she isn't going to want to hear that he won't leave his wife, because she currently believes that he will.

But it might help to talk to her about how their relationship will be once he does. Because their relationship then is going to change radically. Presumably his kids are not much younger than her, so he is likely to find himself in a situation where they either refuse to accept her or refuse to have anything to do with him because of her, and does she want that on her conscience? Does she want to know that his friends and family won't want to know her because of who she is? Added to that the potential lack of trust given she knows that he's capable of cheating on a partner, and I would be telling her to make the most of the next two years because once he leaves his wife the relationship is going to take a nose-dive. Or alternatively to walk away now while she can still salvage some dignity. After all, if the relationship doesn't work out if he leaves his wife she will forever have to live with the realisation that she split up a family and all for nothing.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 20:51

She will learn the hard way. Stay out of it. She is too cockstruck to listen right now.

SallyVating · 27/02/2017 20:51

My ex fil had the same mistress for 30 years. Even after mil died he still didn't acknowledge her.

,

delilahbucket · 27/02/2017 20:52

My friend was with a married man for several years. There was always an excuse as to why he didn't leave. They didn't have kids either. In the end she gave up and split up with him despite him insisting she was his soul mate. He's still with the wife six years down the line.

DrScholl · 27/02/2017 20:52

Not all affairs ' go somewhere', or intend to, from what I have seen

Some people start them on that understanding and they go on for years

F1GI · 27/02/2017 20:59

Friend of a friend had an affair with a married man. Every time he was going to leave there was some other excuse. Affair started out when woman in twenties. By the time she was in her fifties he still had not left. THIRTY FUCKING YEARS!!!! No he didn't leave yet, what happened was she got ill and he couldn't be assed with that. So, no kids, ill in fifties alone all because of a lying cheating cunt.

Sorry but your friend's life is going to be filled with regret.

"He and his wife never got on..." I presume he proposed at gun point and was frogmarched down the aisle by big men and then forced to repeat vows under the threat of his tongue being torn out if he didn't. Er no, he fucking loved her the stupid cunt, he rewrote history to give himself permission to fuck someone else.

This man is a turd. An untrustworthy cheating lying cunt. If your friend refuses see that, perhaps she belongs with him. BTW a kid being at college doesn't mean they will think the cheating is OK Hmm

Original poster
Dineoutone · 27/02/2017 21:03

What's odd between them is that they email a LOT and he has detailed about his marriage. He obviously trusts her which I find crazy considering she is now getting so impatient with him.

Maybe he's stupid as well as a selfish liar!

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HerRoyalNotness · 27/02/2017 21:04

No experience or examples, but has she thought about a family? Does she really want to wait around for his much older man who has grown DC and most likely doesn't want any more? How long will she wait? Until it's too late? And is she happy to support him when he is retired.?

At his age they're not staying together for the kids, he's on the downhill slide, you'd think he would want to make the most of being happy now.

TempusEedjit · 27/02/2017 21:26

"Approximately 70 percent of couples who experience an affair in their marriage end up staying together and working it out, according to “Psychology Today” editor Hara Estroff Marano in “From Promise to Promiscuity.”

living.thebump.com/married-man-wants-leave-his-wife-14673.html

I can't remember where I heard this but I believe if someone leaves their spouse for OW/OM it's usually fairly early on into the relationship, like a few months.

tarheelbaby · 27/02/2017 21:29

Seriously?! We all know how this drama plays. Men don't leave. All the adages and truisms repeat this. 'Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free'. And to quote Jimmy Goldsmith, 'When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.'
Decent people don't cheat.
If you hook up with a married man enjoy it strictly on your terms. If he is unsatisfactory in any way, dump him. If he really is serious about you, he might leave her (how will you feel then?) but probably you will never hear from him again.
Reminding your friend of all this will probably not change her behaviour in any way. Brace yourself as necessary. How much time do you want to waste on her bad choice(s).