Tell me about an affair you've had or know of where the man didn't leave their wife like they promised

[Dineoutone]

Need a reality check please.

It's not me having the affair - though you'll all think it is! I want to show my friend that what she is doing is wasting her life. She's 27 and he's 52 and promised he will leave his wife. They've been dating for a year and the current excuse is 'when you youngest goes to college.' (In 2 years). Yeah right.

Ps I agree also on the whole weird "jealousy" thing, what was weird was that tMr wannabe cheater was very "off" with me when I briefly mentioned male friends or said I had a holiday fling ! ( so he could act like the office bike but it wasn't ok for SINGLE me to do so)

It's underlying sexism and control: big man gets pick of women fighting over him, women aren't allowed to have any options , when they're too old they get thrown over for younger model.

Fuck that shit.

Men never leave there wives. They want the security and comfort that a wife and long standing relationship brings but the mistress is always a bit of fun, excitement and escape. In my experience men, given the chance, would have both. They rarely leave there wives as it normally hits them financially and removes the safety net that they really desire.

I know this from experience of many years . im the wife not the mistress

This is a very true very tragic tale, have changed a few details including names as would otherwise be very outing.

Anne was a pretty, young, vicacious 17 year old who had work experience on a farm. She immediately fell in love with Fred who was the wealthy 25 year old farmer who was already engaged when they first met (to Bella also aged 25.)As she knew he was engaged, she did not want to sleep with him as she had a strong moral conscience.

Fred and Anne had an immediate 'connection' almost like a magnet. So they spent most of their days together. Ane was given a cottage on the land to live in as she was dedicated to her job and was very good at it. .

Bella hated Anne and knew Fred had the hots for Anne but because they were old, established farming families and had the wedding all organised she tried to stop Fred from speaking with her.

By all accounts Fred was a lovely, kind, but very weak man and unable to stand up for himself or others.

The wedding between Fred and Bella went ahead and Anne was distraught and was packing her bags to leave her home and the job she loved.

On his honeymoon Fred secretly rang Anne and told her he was sorry, he had no choice but to go ahead with the wedding but to make it up to her he would buy a farm for her so she could raise rare breed pigs (her dream)alongside her other farmwork if she promised to stay.

So she stayed, working on 'her' farm (never transferring the deeds to her though) and not paying her much.

Fast forward 10 years and Bella and Fred had 3 children and Anne was feeling broody. She did not want to have a child with him (he offered!) so she found a sperm donor and had her own child.

Anne is now depressed, 52 years old, in poor health, partly disabled (years of slave labour, no money to heat her cottage), no rights to the land, no claim to her cottage.

She is still hopelessly devoted to the farmer. It's as if she refuses to see him in a bad light because then her world would truly collapse.

Bella and her dc now want her out of the cottage and have written a contract trying to evict her and her dd.

Her dd is on a full bursary at a local independent school because the headmaster knew her situation and the farmer, and took pity on her so she is fortunate in that respect.

Anne can't/won't leave because then she would leave behind her lifetime's worth of work with this rare breed where she is well known in her field.

"I know this from experience of many years . im the wife not the mistress" but why do you stay?

A very good friend of ours was 'romanced' by a local businessman. Within two weeks he was suggesting marriage and how he and his wife lived separate lives etc etc etc. Took her out to dinner in his Ferrari. Texted her from a 'holiday' with wife and kids a picture of the hotel next door. ("I've booked a room here for a skiing holiday next year for us.") Told her they could go and live in his house in France.
She knew his Mum from years previously and had a chat with her that involved "Now you WILL be there for him when he leaves Pippa won't you?"
She bailed...eventually.
He still hasn't left his wife.
This was in 2012.

It's not that men never leave their wives, more that in the scenario presented by op the spiel that her friend is hearing is the kind of crap that is spouted by men who do not intend to.
I can't see why he would, really, he has his cosy life, established career, probably a nice house, grown-up kids. I bet he's done some mental calculations, figured out that if he did divorce he would take a massive financial hit. He doesn't want to be starting over with op's friend in a poky flat in an up-and-coming area. He could probably think of nothing worse than nappies and sleepless nights. He's bound to realise that his family and friends would think he was pathetic.
I agree with pp's who said if he wanted to leave his wife for OW he would already have done this. In the meantime he's enjoying shagging someone half his age who is fool enough to put her life on hold for him.

Well actually, I do know a man who left his wife when he had an affair (he had 2 older teenagers) and moved in with his OW and her DD (then 5 or 6). It helped that OW had her own house and own good job. About 7-8 years later they're still together no idea about his other family, but his friends (my mum was one) don't really speak to them.

I know of another man whose marriage was "almost over" he had a sort of affair but was in process of leaving his wife at same time, he's with the new wife and they have 3 DC together.

For me personally I couldn't ever trust someone who left their wife as I'd panic they would do it to me too.

I'll tell you the advice my mother gave me and I've never seen it fail.

Women leave when they are unhappy. Men leave when they have someone else to go to.

I've never ever met or heard about a man leaving without having someone else to go to. Having said that. I don't think they all do leave. If they are going to to it's usually early on or when they are caught and throw out.

But they never just leave without a woman waiting.

I said men often don't leave because in the stories I know, they mostly didn't. But of course this is no scientific study. Just a load of anecdotes.

I know one who detached from his wife because she had an abortion against his wishes. They already had two DC. He went to work in another country and met a woman who wanted a child and they got together and had a baby and although his wife then followed him, he stayed with the second woman. But that was unusual.

Each set of circumstances is different, but I was thinking recently about men and infidelity, and realised that almost every man I know has been unfaithful (as in friends, family, etc.).

One had an affair and then wife wouldn't have him, so he left and set up with OW as had no choice. But then ... one had multiple affairs whilst with wife but never left her and she doesn't know. Another has occasional flings and again wife doesn't know. I know three who have wife and life in one country, and a complete domestic set-up with OW in other country where they work. I knew of one with a wife and 6 kids in one city and another wife and 6 kids in London. One who had an affair and wife never knew and now he wants to have an ongoing OW who is aware and will have the affair but expect nothing more. One who kept an OW in London for 35 years while returning every night to Kent to the family. And more.

I do think the pattern I've seen is that pretty much all the men I know have been unfaithful at one time or another. Even the ones I'd never ever have imagined would have. Ever. But although in the cases of them having an already fractured marriage they may leave, mostly they favour the double-life scenario, if they can work it. The OW is all about freedom and excitement and being a sexy guy. The wife and family are about status and security and comfort and someone who will never say no - who will always love you. It's about having a home, and the wife sometimes turns into a surrogate mother in the sense of being the female that will always accept you. And once he has that, he's more likely to look outside for excitement, and for affirmation of his virility.

I can't say I like it. Personally I'd prefer one of the few who actually get it - that investing in one cool relationship is absolutely the gold standard. Better than anything else.

I have 3 examples of younger woman/older man affairs:

1. Years ago I worked with a very attractive woman in her late twenties who was living with a man in his forties during the week while he worked in the nearest city. At weekends he went home to his wife and kids. After several years his mistress got fed up and ended the affair. The selfish man bought her a diamond ring and 'won' her back. She had a child with him a few years later but he still hadn't left his wife.

1. Someone I know had an affair in her twenties with a man twice her age. She found all the creeping around very exciting until his wife found out and told her that she was the latest in a long line of mistresses. He became quite nasty when she ended the affair and she moved to a different area for a while to get away from him.

1. My neighbour's husband had an affair for several years. His wife found out, told him the marriage was over and he moved straight in with his mistress. The couple had a bitter divorce and his children didn't speak to him for several years. He did end up marrying his mistress but his ex was awarded most of the equity in the house and half his pension. His mistress will have to support him financially once he retires.

Op, tell your friend that affairs NEVER have a fairytale ending (unless she actually enjoys people hating her!)

Some men clearly do leave their wives for OW, but those that do don't usually hang around for years first. If they want to leave, they do, not make continual excuses to drag it out. If your friend's middle aged lover intended to leave his wife for her, he'd have already done it by now.

... and as for advice or whatever for the OP's friend - omg. Don't be the OW. It's a horrible, degrading position and it's just bad karma. Whatever you say to yourself, you're still doing someone else wrong. Just don't go there. Have more respect for yourself and others.

Agree with you, Silent - the OW is alway hated by someone, and it never ends nicely. It's always tainted somehow.

The OW may be the one at candlelit dinners and with the phone pinging with steamy texts and the longing goodbyes, stolen moments and flush in her cheeks, but ... she's also the one sitting at home on her own each night, while the guy has his arms wrapped around his wife, kissing her forehead and loving her. To be honest, it's a hideous scenario for both women, but the OW is really always on the outside, and if he does leave his wife for her, that's a hell of a lot of loading at the start of their life together - to be better than the wife.

On the idea of do men leave? Yes. Some do.But the ones like the OP mentions won't.

If a man wants to leave and be with the OW he would. If hes stringing her along for ages he's not=Cake and eat it men.

Plus, in real life its obvious if somebody has left their wife. From what i see if somebody has cheated and they wife has forgiven then that dirty laundry is rarely aired in public. So Mumsnet is probably a reasonably representative view

I waited 6 months but was told that they we separated, hadn't had sex in years but living together and the house was on the market. It was...but swiftly taken off again as she became pregnant

I was 27, he was 35 so not a huge gap but I was so in love, so in awe of him and believed many other lies. They did later divorce and he remarried someone very different to me and his ex.

Even if he does leave his wife their relationship together will never have started on an equal footing and his responsibilities will remain and she will have to compromise beyond what is fair.

It works out for some people but their beginning will always be soured.

will try to keep this short and in order of events i was the OW but didnt know
long distance relationship met through a dating agency
me in yorkshire him in cheshire
he told me
he caught his ex in bed with another man
had been seperated 3 months when i met him
she had let herself go
didnt do the housework
he was working as a security guard
moved to yorkshire in with me
i found out bit by bit
him and his ex were still together she found out about me and kicked him out
he hadnt worked for year due to a disability called fibromyalgia
by then he and i were together so i got over this as he was now technically single
8 years down the line he did the same thing to me
his OW had the cheek to phone me and ask if i was divorcing him and when i told her what the real person was like and told her what he had said about his ex the silence on the other end of the phone told me that he had probably spouted the same lies to her as he had to me
he and she moved in together but it didnt last
im now totally happy with someone who i trust
as far as i know he lives on his own and his relationship with his kids is fractured

I was the wife. OH had the affair. I found out when I discovered the email he sent OW saying how exciting life with her would be, how his marriage was all but over, he wanted to leave but was worried about the impact on DD. I knew things weren't great between us, and suspected he was seeing someone for sex, but hadn't expected to read that his bags were half packed!

Advice I got on another forum at the time was that it was standard spiel men give to the OW and not to read too much into it. Sure enough, whilst he had had an affair, he did not want to leave and just wanted things between us to get better i.e. more sex. The affair was the bit of excitement, the single life (that actually he wouldn't get to live because he'd still have a daughter to take care of).

OW got very upset when told it was over, she honestly thought he was on the verge of setting up home with her. She kept trying to get in touch with him 'just for a chat, can't we stay friends' until I told him to make it clear to her there was to be no contact or he could get the fuck out. He's still here 5 years later.

And those of you wondering why I didn't kick his sorry arse out, there are days when I ask myself that too. But I decided for the sake of DD I had to give our marriage another chance, really try to make things better.

I am not proud to say I was that girl 15 years ago. I was 29 and met a 51 man. He was just friends for about a year, during which time we emailed a lot, which drew us closer; to me it was just close friendship, but to him it was much more. By the time I realised it, I felt stuck and didn't want to lose my best friend. He was my soulmate and I felt completely comfortable with him. I had never experienced that in all my life, but I wasn't keen on having an affair at all. He persuaded me they had marital problems for many years and were only together for the children and financially couldn't afford to part. He told me they were just biding time until they divorced.

I knew I should have walked, but I didn't want to let go of him, he had helped me through some really dark stuff and I felt I still needed him. So I turned a blind eye to his obvious lies and made myself believe them. Such a fool. I am so ashamed I behaved this way as I have always been so anti-the 'other woman'.

People told me if they haven't left in a year they ever will. Apparently it's a saying. I thought he would be the exception to the rule because he was my soulmate and we were so close. It's scary how artificially close a predominately online relationship can be. I trusted that his relationship was dead and he would leave, because I didn't want to exist without our closeness. But I was wrong. Their bond was not over and I had been used by an old man, probably in midlife crisis, who just wanted a few kicks. I think he may have thought he loved me, but not the right way. It was mostly lust and infatuation. At the time it felt like a closeness that was beautiful but now I see it for what it was. Me a needy girl, hanging on to something I desperately wanted to be reality, and him, dealing with his midlife crisis.

He's still with her now and I have respect for her staying with him, but not so much the other way round. He promised me the world but he wouldn't leave after that first year, and always had a good excuse. So I think the saying is true. Your friend has dated this man for over a year. He's not going to leave. She needs to move on somehow, because eventually he will. They always do.

Whatcolourisbest - did you end it? And at what point? Did you ever speak again and how do you know they are still together?

me in yorkshire him in cheshire

An actual Cheshire Scumbag!

"Men given the chance would have both"

Not all men would as some are very devoted to their families but there will be lots that would. All the blokes in my office married for many years bemoan their dull lives and poor sex
Lives. It's quite an eye opener listening to it. I have been hit on my drunken married men at works do's plenty of times.

For those posters saying men never leave their wives - the evidence is all around you. A good proportion of the threads on this forum are about just that scenario! Some of those posting on those threads were OW themselves and say they are now happy. Much as we all love to believe in Karma it really does not exist

Cause 1: not throwing away years of marriage on a mid life crisis 2: why should I put myself in financial difficulty when I don't have to ? If this relationship is to end it will end it when im good and ready and in a situation to walk away 3: He confessed and dumped her in front of me 4: I love him and want to work on my marriage and the most important one of all 5: no one else's business or not for anyone to judge me or my reasons. my life so up to me what I do but I will not now or even be called a mistress. I am many things but a home wrecker is not one of them