Tell me about an affair you've had or know of where the man didn't leave their wife like they promised

[Dineoutone]

Need a reality check please.

It's not me having the affair - though you'll all think it is! I want to show my friend that what she is doing is wasting her life. She's 27 and he's 52 and promised he will leave his wife. They've been dating for a year and the current excuse is 'when you youngest goes to college.' (In 2 years). Yeah right.

This happened to my cousin. She was married too.

She and her OM agreed they would both leave their spouses to be together.

My cousin left her DH first. Then the OM got cold feet and decided to stay with his DW.

My cousin has been single ever since.

I know of quite a few, but the saddest is a one where the OW, spent 19 years being a mistress and when she finally thought he was leaving, he said he couldn't. His wife would get half the pension, his DC would hate him and his wife wasn't a bad person.

The DC were grown up, so no child support was involved.

She committed suicide, because after spending that long as a mistress and telling everyone he loved her and would leave, they were sulfates etc, I believe the shame and heartbreak were too much to bear.

He didn't even bother to go to her funeral.

A total waste of the life of a beautiful person.

Whatcolourisbest - did you end it? And at what point? Did you ever speak again and how do you know they are still together?

No, he did, repeatedly. I think I needed him psychologically much more than he needed me, so I was devastated every time. He would always come back though, so I only had to wait a while. The way it worked was he would end it, full of deepest regret and sorrow, and I would try to stay away. I would then make contact to try and touch base only, and he would push it further than just email/phone contact. Then we'd go full circle again. I can't believe I behaved this way, looking back now. It just isn't who I am, or at least who I thought I was. But evidently it IS who I am (back then) because it was my behaviour at that time. I just felt abandoned and unable to function, so was desperate to hear from him again. I can't even remember his reasons and excuses each time, I suspect it's partly because I blocked it out one one level, otherwise I couldn't have gone along with it. Ironically I didn't even want to be his OW at all, just wanted to keep the close bond. Not that it's ok, but I felt if we didn't do anything physical it would be somehow more honourable. Like I said, I was a complete fool and I wish I could turn the clocks back and do the honourable thing. In the end, he ended it (like he always did), only this time I made no effort to try and keep a friendship on any level. I think the penny finally dropped that it would be impossible and if he was intending to stay with her (which it was beginning to look like) then I needed to stay away forever to give them a chance to build their relationship and hope for any future back. We never spoke again because I never reached out again, and I know they're still together because one of their family members told me, and I have seen on Facebook and twitter that they're - on the surface of it at least - ok again. That at least absolves some of my guilt because if they hadn't made it I would have (rightly) blamed myself for my part in that.

But they never just leave without a woman waiting.

You really can't say never, without knowing every man who has left his wife.

My DB, is one who did leave without anyone to go to.

SandyY2K The scumbag didn't even attend her funeral?! What an utter piece of shit!! And what an utter total waste of a life for a woman with loads to give. Its all very eye-opening. Seems for every sucessful case there are 10 that end in either bitterness, anger or tragedy. Either way, one thing is for certain: Someone absolutely WILL get hurt. To start an affair is to eventually cause hurt to either oneself, or someone - or even everyone else involved.

Where did you get the strength to go no contact whatcolour? Genuine question. I have a friend who is pregnant and recently dumped by a man in a ltr, after more than 6 years of being 'together' Same crap. Wife is worst woman on earth, no longer sleeping together, his child was a result of a one-off blah blah blah. She believes, because he appears trustworthy and she wants to believe. Since she announced she was continuing with the pregnancy, against his wishes, he hasnow gone no contact at all. Does not give her time of day! Not one phonecall. But despite this, I know, I absolutely know, if he turns up after she's given birth, it will start up again. She just cannot say no. She loves him too much. So where did this strength come from? Because I'm truly in awe and I'd love to tell her anything that would wake her up. She's like sleeping beauty, except its the prince that's put her under.

Whatcolourisbest

That continued contact when the physical affair ends, is an emotional affair.

I think OW try and kid themselves to that it's just a friendship.

It goes round and round again and although men do indeed leave for the OW, the vast majority don't.

Especially when there's such an age gap, because despite the ego boost it gives to have a younger woman, the MM realises that she could easily leave him in a few years time for a younger man. Or that she'll want children and he doesn't.

I always say look at his actions and not his words. If he says he's leaving in 2 years, what steps is he taking towards that. If he was genuine and committed, he'd be discussing finances with her, he'd be speaking to a lawyer about what finances will look like for him in the event of a divorce.

If a younger women is happy to be an OW, the MM knows her morals aren't great... That doesn't bode well for him to when his sexual performance declines with age. He knows this type of woman won't have too much issue with having an affair.

This is what several older men in affairs have said to me. So ultimately, in spite of the passionate sex they have with the OW, it's not enough to leave the marriage.

*Not wife long-term-girlfriend. Not much difference in my opinion been together nearly 20 years apparently

I seem to be of an age where mid-life crises seem to be leading to quite a lot of affairs/near misses.

Of those where I feel I know enough about the circumstances, in only one has the DH voluntarily left his family (STBXW and teen DC) for the new woman. All the others who have left have been thrown out shortly after discovery. And a fair few have are working on it to see if anything worthwhile can be salvaged.

Since she announced she was continuing with the pregnancy, against his wishes, he hasnow gone no contact at all. Does not give her time of day! Not one phonecall.

Cecil Parkinson and Sara Keays.

He was a scumbag.

Does your friend want DC?

If so, even if this loser wants more DC and does leave his wife in 2 years (right), his age will make fertility problems (conceiving and having a healthy baby) likely: his fertility could well mean she will have to have intervention.

His DW will get share of his pension, assets etc whereas your friend might have to care for him if he's in poor health etc. Or leave.

It's also likely his adult DC will want nothing to do with her.

When I found out he told her to her face that she was nothing but a bit of fun on the side and he would do anything to stay with me

I think I could almost forgive my DH falling in love or having feelings with someone else - people can be weak and relationships often complicated but behaving like this would appall me

Not just betraying and humiliating his wife but being so vindictive and cruel to the woman he was prepared to risk me for. Grim grim grim

I have lost months of my life to OW. I had been entered into a race I was unaware of. Until I found evidence.

Six months on and I still cry most days. Not a day goes by when I don't think of it

I know they are both guilty but I cannot get my head around a woman who knowingly takes on another woman's man.

The damage done to an innocent life is HUGE. Why would you be friends with someone like that?

Yes I have been that women who had an affair

I was single he was in relationships, not married but living together with her children

I first meet him on my first day at work, his company was the contractor carrying out the big refurb m, he immediately pursued me, nothing physical happened between us at that point as I had just come out of s messy relationship and was pregnant and first I didn't know about her or the children, he then left where I was working as that phase of refurb was over but we kept in touch my text and he asked me to fly out to where he was working abroad to see him, and first I knew about her was when she called me when I was 8 months pregnant, I was shocked and told her I didn't know about her or her children and that other than texts nothing had happened.... I didn't hear anything from either of them again

I went back to work after maternity and he arrived again to start the next phase and again immediately he pursued me, he basically swept me off my feet and promised me the world, he told me he was leaving when XYZ had happened etc he even had me tracking down houses for him to rent in the area, I heard it all how unhappy he was, he didn't love her etc etc

Again she found out and contacted me as per his request I didn't tell her anything (she had evidence of what was going on) and again from that day he never spoke to me again, we had to carry on working together and he basically totally ignored my existence, he also then started to bring her into my work place for lunch, coffe, valentine night meal & room

And last I heard they are now engaged

I'm honestly not proud of what I done and it totally destroyed me, I should of run from the hills the second time he approached me after finding out about her but I didn't and looking back I think I was vulnerable and I truly loved that man

Now 18 months on I'm finally getting my life back on track but the experience has totally broke me, I've tried dating but I now just have no interest I can't see how any man will ever fit into mine and my children's life I guess you can say it's left me a little bitter

I would strongly advise your friend to walk away now before he totally ruins her

My friend did this with an old chap. He left his wife.
The whole thing ended 6 months later.
Once the excitement had gone of sneaking about they got sick of each other.
She lost the opportunity to have kids as they separated when when she was 43.
Sad all round. He is also back with he wife.
Divorces are expensive so I wouldn't underestimate how poor he will be if he does indeed leave his wife.

Why would you be friends with someone like that?

Fair enough question aquamarine2. In my friends case, we were friends before this wretched individual came into her life. She is actually a lovely, caring, person who wears her heart on her sleeve. When it all started, my friend had not long come out of an emotionally abusive relationship where she herself had been cheated on numerous times by a man she adored, and like you, she was devastated, a complete and utter mess. She cried almost everyday, was on anti-depressants. Her children suffered. But that was when Mr Magic Fantastic decided to pursue her, and he did, hard. He overcame all her initial objections. He had known her for years, was aware of the breakup and I'm convinced he deliberately chose to confess his 'undying love' at a time when he was unlikely to be strongly rejected due to her vulnerability - not that that makes her blameless, I told her what could go wrong, but she simply parroted his lies, which she truly believed. It was harder for her to be sceptical of his bull, because of the prior friendship. You know how everyone's says relationships based on friendships are the best? Well she chose to go with that and ignore the already established girlfriend bit which he downplayed (no sex, just friends, frigid wife, non-bed sharing, relationship of convenience, financial ties, sake of child la la la la)

And he showered her with affection. She blossomed, stopped being miserable, so I stopped saying anything. But gradually as the years passed and he stayed with the girlfriend, it became a relationship with swings of highs and lows, each swing getting progressively higher and lower each time.

He has messed with her mind. She's like a puppet on a string. I can't leave her, she's on the edge and will be a mess if things don't resolve themselves - by that I mean if he doesn't return to her.

He has made 2 women in his life miserable. I see him walking around, totally unaffected by it all. I could smash his face in.

Experience has shown me that women can be very stupid when it comes to matters of the heart and it is almost always the women who hurt the most in these situations. The other woman who waits and waits and wastes her life or the wife who finds out. Meanwhile the man chases the sex and when he is bored with that he runs back to his wife or she throws him out, he begs for forgiveness and she takes him back or if she sticks to her guns, he has a fall back anyway!

It's a messy business and women should be more careful when it comes to love and think with their head rather than their heart!

Yeah, it's all the stupid women who are doing it wrong ...

Whatever you do in this situation, as a woman or man who's been cheated on, you are fucked. You throw them out, you are heartless and should have tried harder and are a sheep following the LTB bitches on Mumsnet and it's your own fault if you end up miserable and destitute. You take them back, you are an idiot who doesn't want to accept the truth and are asking to be cheated on again.

Oh, and of course if you have an affair with a married man or woman, it is entirely your fault for turning their head, poor malleable lambs.

I do think that women who fall for the "he's going to leave his wife in two years/when the kids leave home/once the turnip harvest has been done," line are stupid, and less deserving of sympathy when he doesn't. They're not victims, they know what they're doing. And while I probably wouldn't end a friendship with someone who was having an affair with a married man/woman I certainly wouldn't be wanting to hear how wonderful they were and how they were just waiting for the situation to be right before they could obliterate everyone's lives and live happily ever after.

I'm not sure why that is being applied to the wives though, although I do wonder why some women put up with men who have multiple affairs or go back to the same OW multiple times. I certainly don't think that LTB should be the standard response, but there is surely some middle ground between that and staying to be treated like a mug?

I actually feel sorry for your friend, but this is going to be a painful lesson, and I doubt you or us on this thread can prevent the pain coming down the barrel at her.

And I say this as the "wronged" wife. I am still with my husband after a 15-month separation and about £10,000 of individual (both) and couples counselling. We really are strong now, but we are humbled (though I think kinder) adults, and I will always carry around the bruises, and he will always carry around the shame.

A couple weeks ago on a ski slope when all was feeling right with the world something occurred to me that let me release a lot of my negative feelings towards the 20 years younger OW involved in my case. Suddenly it occurred to me that she could be a fantastic person or a terrible person or anything in between, but my husband's relationship with her had just about nothing to do with her. It was mostly about him (classic midlife crisis, some childhood things that he'd never come to terms with, entitlement issues, work unhappiness/stress, immaturity), some about us (I'd made his life so easy, I made it easy for him to devalue me and us) and some about the family dynamic (a difficult relationship with one DC in particular).

The real devastating realisation for a relatively young OW involved in the midlife crisis scenario is that all that soulmates bollocks, "the one" talk and passionate sex isn't actually real for him. He may genuinely think it's love at the moment (or tell himself that to justify his horrendous behaviour), but it is escape from his life and himself. His real will almost certainly remain with his actual family, the wife he has lived with for 20+ years and his children. His actual life is just about never with the one who is young enough to be his child.

The thing is that your friend isn't going to realise this until she's much older, probably married with children, and has seen the people around her experience this again and again. It is a cliche for the ages. And there is a reason: A much older man ends up with a younger mistress, yes, based on attraction, but also because an older woman can smell the absolute bullshit from a mile off.

It's worth remembering that not all women who are in an OW situation are weeping into their pillows, ruining their lives and pining for the man to leave his wife.

I know at least two (both very attractive and high powered single women) who have no interest in getting married and appear to regard affairs with married men as a lifestyle choice.

They (in different ways) each say they get the best of life - they have the romantic dinners, hot sex and get spoiled but don't have to put up with lunch with his mother, doing his washing, raising the kids. A married man who doesn't want to leave his wife for them is ideal. They are both commitment phobes in different ways so it fits with their need to avoid a risk of a real commitment.

Every situation is different and different people behave differently.

SewMeARiver
Where did you get the strength to go no contact whatcolour? Genuine question.
I think it had repeated too many times and I had felt increasingly uncomfortable (rightly so) with the whole affair. I had begun to finally mistrust what I was being told (i.e.; that they were in fact over) and it just took a very long time to realise that I was going to have to live the rest of my life without him. If he had been single I would have wanted to keep in contact tact but he wasn't and clearly their relationship wasn't over like he said. I've always been a believer that people vote with their feet, but it took me a lot time to twig that it's pointless waiting and hoping for the feet to get voting when they never will.

My next relationship after him was a (single) sensible doctor in the special services and he believed I'd somehow been groomed. I didn't see that, since I was an adult, but he referred to the massive age difference and mismatched intentions. Looking back now, I can see his point.

I guess your friend will have to run her course of waiting. It's a bit like an abusive relationship, everyone has their limit and no one knows when that time has come until it actually comes.

Dontknowwhatcomesnext everything you say is 100% correct. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you staying with him and seeing the situation the way you do. He's a very lucky man. I'm really interested in what you said about making his life too easy, so much so that he can easily devalue you. How does that work, and what do you now do differently to remedy that?

I do think that women who fall for the "he's going to leave his wife in two years/when the kids leave home/once the turnip harvest has been done," line are stupid, and less deserving of sympathy when he doesn't. They're not victims, they know what they're doing.

Sadly I agree. I have been through sexual abuse as a young child, mental/emotional abuse all through my childhood from a group of external adults connected to my family, bullying from just one person who stopped anyone else befriending me all through school, for fear she'd turn on them, divorce because the H couldn't choose between me and another woman, life-changing medical diagnosis leading to disability, etc etc. Of all my life traumas by the age of 29, this loss of 'connection' was the one that hit me the hardest. But yet I deserve no sympathy for any of it. Stupidly, I hasten to add, it hit me the hardest because the connection was an emotional illusion and wasn't real at all. I really do feel bad about myself for letting myself get carried away with it all. I placed my needs above his wife's, and I had no right to do that. It suited me to believe his lies about how their marriage was over and how horrible to him she was, because it made it easier to somehow justify to myself that I was prepared to be hanging in there waiting for him to be free. Which is no justification at all. Like I said, I wish with all my bones that I could undo my choices and I feel ashamed of having become the sort of person I always looked down on.